Finance wants me to sleep with another man

[Melly1991]

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

Shame he didn't listen the previous 5ys that he's being going in about it then.

Seeing as he's now giving OP the cold shoulder it appears as though he hasn't really 'listened' rather he's told the OP what he thinks she wants to hear.

Because she’s not being clear. I’ve no idea why. She needs to say to him no never, but he keeps asking and she’s like um I’m not a hundred percent so it’s a no for now.

Well no, she isn't being clear but anyone isn't an idiot would see that she doesn't want to do it

So why’s she not telling him. Why does she keep hinting she might. As that’s what she’s doing.

So he's a sex pest and now he's sulking because you said no?
That'd give me the ick for sure.
If he carries on you may want to consider whether you really have a future together as you arent compatable and he sounds like a sulky creep to me

In all honesty, I think you should end this relationship.

You are not sexually compatible if he is really into swinging and you are not interested.

And the way he won't let it drop even though you have said no is very concerning. Like it's coercive and boarding abusive.

He would better off finding a partner who is into swinging and you would be better off with someone who respects you.

Do you really want to be with this man, Op? Let alone commit to marrying him?

The very fact he wants you to sleep with other men would be enough for most people to see he isn't serious about a committed relationship, that he sees you as a body to be enjoyed, that his sexual kicks are more important than monogamy (and see that will go both ways).

You know he thinks about swinging, about him sleeping with other women. You know that won't disappear? It will likely always be there. How will you trust that he isn't acting on those desires? Or thinking of it?

When you have problems and challenges (say you're ill, or you have small children, or you're both super busy with life and you stop communicating so well) - will you trust him?

But more than all of that, it's his lack of respect for your feelings, and his sulking. Sulking for any reason is a red flag. At best it's immature and stifles proper, honest conversation. At worst it's a form of abuse. A way to punish you for not doing what he wants. A way to train you to agree with him and never argue, because it isn't worth the silent treatment. I would never marry a sulker.

And the fact he's sulking because - gasp - his fiance doesn't want to sleep with other men.....

I don't believe this man will make you happy.

For your own physical health if nothing else, @Melly1991 whether you leave him or not (you should), you need to establish whether or not he’s been acting on any of his fetishes, whether he’s been going to a sex club, seeing another woman/man or even just voyeurism. And if you decide not to leave yet you must stop this ‘not 100%’ nonsense and say NO.

13 years is a long time for him not to have been involved in the alternative sex scene he’s so clearly obsessed with, could it be the fact of your engagement that has made him try to involve you because either he will call it off if he can’t drag you into it, or it would be harder for him to hide from you once you’re his wife?

If your MN handle is anything to go by, you’ve been with him since you were 19 or 20 years of age. I understand that this may be the reason you are scared of change, but you really must get aome real life support and prepare for this relationship to end.

I’m done, I wish you well, OP.

Not sure this is as straightforward as it seems. Perhaps he gets a thrill from sending you the messages...maybe he wouldn't actually DO it??

There is clearly more to it. Thr op tells us she’s in two minds. Thats right there at the start of her op. She then tells us she’s never actually said no to him

and two days ago she did say no, for the first time, but even then she said it was only as she wasn’t 100 percent sure. It was basically a no for now.

so why the hell has she been entertaining this for so many years. Why is she refusing to rule it out for good, why is she keeping him going.

There is clearly much more to this, including her own motivation in why she’s behaving this way.

Absolutely. What's with all the not 100% yes/no bollocks? Either OP says YES or NO. If she doesn't state clearly she's not doing it he will see it as an invitation to keep pestering.

I had the same scenario with my ex. It's an attempt at control which will not end there even if you do not go through with it. He will move on to other methods of exerting his control over you. You are worth more than this. Dump him now.

Clearly not. She’s the one keeping him hanging on. She’s the one not ruling it out; she’s the one keeping him dangling. And she’s doing it deliberately. No way round it. She’s not been giving him a straight no deliberately and she’s keeping him thinking she might.

My interpretation is the OP is a frog in a boiling pan of years of co-ercive and emotionally manipulative behaviour.

This is not a healthy relationship - they don’t communicate well as a couple. Boundary setting and respect is low.

And after 13 years, it’s time to jump out.

lol. He’s the one who is being manipulated. She keeps not ruling it out. She’s manipulating him, not vice Versa. If she wanted this to stop shed tell him clear.

My point is, why doesn’t she feel she can say a clear no?

Look at the silent treatment response.

Thank you I was with mine from 15 (he was 18) until early 30s we got married after 14 yrs I think it was. I guess it never seemed odd cos I didn't have experience of what was normal. I just hope OP gets out of it ASAP the money doesn't matter cos sooner or later under 5 yrs for me she will wise up and split anyway and not marrying is cheaper than marrying and divorcing especially as now kids in middle of it xx

yeah i agree with this. Janetime does have a point in that Op should’ve said no clearly, but I suspect that she was fearing this response which is why she kept leaving it a bit open ended. It’s a bit sad what some women feel they need to do to “hold on” to their men and I wonder if this is a pattern with OP’s partner? Does he usually get his way and when he doesn’t does he give the silent treatment?

I always say a great way to test someone’s character is to say no to them. Are they still your best friend / spouse / partner/supportive boss etc once you say no? Or is the relationship predicated on you always giving way?

I’ve managed to weed out a lot of men of bad character in the early stages of dating by doing this.

It's trauma bonding OP is scared of being without this person cos when it's good it's great and like me it's been the whole of her adult life. Fear of what others think if broken off etc and fear of that person not being there anymore. Mine was a massive sulker also. Crazy ex he hadn't broken up with but told me he had. I go to dump him he dumps her. No wonder she's acting crazy is it really. Fast forward 19 years and all that nagging and stuff he gets a new model cos I was a Mum and honestly my priorities lay with my kid not his whims he sulked I didn't care so ge found a girl who understands him ( a younger more naive girl a decade or so younger than me). Tells her he's finished his wife and left his child he hasn't she finds out goes to dump him. He then dumps his wife and kid and I become the "crazy ex". 5
years on and the joy I have since he left and became somdone else's sex pest is palpable. Ps his crazy ex contacted me before we Wed and warned me I'd be stupid to marry him. I didn't listen cos she was crazy.... Fact she wasn't crazy ...I was stupid.

The OP hasn't been unequivocal about saying "no" to this; there could well be reasons to this but I suspect that she wants to say no but can't bring herself to in case she loses the relationship. From that it seems that one thing is patently clear: the communication and respect in this relationship is woefully lacking.
I'd be asking if I really wanted to be bound in marriage to this guy....

Nailed it she is trying to keep the peace with a master manipulator by saying she will consider she's staved him off without all the walking on eggshells she's hoping he will relent he won't. And tell you now NO does not mean No to these men. It means more manipulation required. More sulking more making her wonder what she's done wrong and being stonewalled when she asks outright. It's a horrible existence to have. And honestly OP work on your own self esteem that he's spent the last 13 yrs depleting and you will see yourself you are worth so much more than this sweetheart. You aren't manipulating him. Totally see you. Speak to someone who runs a healthy relationships course ASAP. Once you have that education you will see it clear as day. I wish they'd teach in schools it's so bloody important xx

Agree - this sort of thing starts with education in our schools. Could not agree more.... x

As a woman who has been exactly where the OP is, I can confirm. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. It wears you down, you lose your confidence and self esteem. It’s torture and you are scared of the next episode. That’s why she feels she can’t say no.

"Ps his crazy ex contacted me before we Wed and warned me I'd be stupid to marry him. I didn't listen cos she was crazy.... Fact she wasn't crazy ...I was stupid."

You never do, though, do you. In my case (many years ago), not a relationship but a friendship, with someone whom I thought was so funny, charming and exciting to be with. I was warned by someone who knew him well, "One day he will turn around, and stab you in the back". Of course, I didn't listen, just thought he was bitter or something. And of course, he was right. But as I said, people don't listen to what they don't want to hear. 🤷‍♀️