Finance wants me to sleep with another man

[Melly1991]

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

I don't see anything wrong with him asking or telling you that this is a fantasy he has.

The big problem here is that you've said no, you're not comfortable and you don't want to do it and he's persisting and trying to wear your boundaries down to serve himself. That is the red flag for me.

Either he drops it and doesn't mention it again and respects your right to say no or he continues to show that he doesn't respect your boundaries. Personally I'd be telling him its not happening and he's not to bring it up again and if he did continue then I'd tell him I'm rethinking things as he clearly wants something you can't provide and he is disrespecting you by refusing you accept that you've said no

Ask him if he is a Cuckold? If he says that he is, and you are not into trying it, make it clear that it's not going to happen. EVER!!!!!!! Do not do something that your not into.

My DP is a Cuckold, and there is nothing wrong with that for us, but only because we are BOTH onto it.

I have friends where he found a woman for them to have a threesome. The two women in question are now married but the ExH is not best pleased to put it mildly. But it always makes me smile.

Why would you want to be with a cuckold who wants to see you with another man when that is not something you are willing to do.

Why are you still with him he will keep pressuring you to fulfil his sick fantasy.

Oh God OP.....how can you even think about marrying him??? He is banking on wearing you down....eventually.

This man is going to end up traumatising you.

So your answer was no. You don’t feel comfortable with the idea. It’s not something that you want. He is still relentlessly asking you again and again. Even if you go ahead with this it’s still quite clearly a no but he’s pushed you to the point of doing it. I would be really upfront with him and ask does he want to stay in a relationship with you if you won’t change your mind? If he wasn’t being pushy Would you actual consider it? Or is it because you feel pressure to do it? I honestly don’t think an open relationship would even work between you anyway because a lot of it is based on honouring boundaries and trust. To which he isn’t respecting yours.

The time for thinking about this relationship as marriage potential would be gone for me.

A huge red flag and his behaviour is more likely to escalate in a marriage, this type of conversation will put him on pause until after the contract is signed.

@Melly1991 sorry but I wouldn’t be with someone like this, never mind considering marrying them. You clearly would only be doing this to please him and it’s makes for uncomfortable reading to be honest. This is clearly something he can’t get out of his system, so why don’t you just let him find someone who wants an open relationship and you find someone who genuinely loves / respects you.

Is he already filming you, without your knowledge, then rewatching as his own private porn show and/or sharing with others online?

It sounds like your boundaries need work, to have gone along with this conversation for years, presumably to keep him happy/not lose him. Pestering is coercion, and it is never acceptable. It worries me that your No was not immediate and clear and resolute, all those years ago.

Not being able to talk directly to each other about wants and needs and consent, especially after so long together, it's a huge red flag to me.

Your relationship isn't nearly as healthy or positive as you think it is, and definitely not something to progress to marriage (or kids).

Will someone please explain why there appears to be invented and alternative terms for pervert that endeavours to make society believe watching your loved one having sex is normal.

That’s because to some people it is normal

my friends are swingers that’s normal to them or would you call them rampant perverts

Well…… There are also lots of words for vanilla types aren’t’ there.

Boring.

Dull.

Prude.

Each to their own and all that. Live and let live I say.

Right, had the chat. And I'm not 100% so that means a no. He said that's fine. However, ive had the cold shoulder all evening. Apparently it's e'me'

Sorry realised last message doesn't make sense. I've said to him I wasn't 100% on the idea and to me that's enough of a no. And we would likely regret it in years to come. Hes said to me that's fine and he's left it. And since I've had the cold shoulder a bit all night

OP he’s already putting pressure on you with his cold shoulder disapproval. This relationship is toxic for you. He doesn’t care about your full consent. That’s disgusting.

He’s clearly not fine OP … this is subtle abuse and I hope you are ok. And well done for saying No.

So pestering you didn’t work so now he’s trying emotional manipulation…

Please see the red flags this man is waving in your face.

He is going to push and push, in however many ways he can trying to make you snap and agree to something you will bitterly regret.

He wants to fuck other women. He’ll likely do that without your agreement anyway (well, he’ll at least try).

And if he can grind you down by emotionally bullying you until you give in and have sex with another man he will, despite the fact he will know you don’t want it, love it and wank over it. Because that wank is the most important thing to him.

You’re worth more than being coerced into something you don’t want to do.

This.

So he's changed tact from badgering you to emotional blackmail.

OP I am so sorry he is treating you so badly, this is not a reassuring response to you stating your boundaries. Anything short of loving reassurance that this request would never be made again and an apology for repeatedly pushing your boundaries when you were uncomfortable would be the absokute end of it for me (although asking again and again after the first no would really be the end). He is still trying to fucking grind you down in the hope you'll relent to "save" your relationship. Xx

Vanilla 🤣 there's absolutely nothing dull in monogamous sex. I can vouch for it being the total opposite. The love and trust involved between 2 people who are into each other enough to have no need or desire to go elsewhere for sexual satisfaction says it all.

If he loves you he won't want you to sleep with another man. To keep trying to push this on you is coercion. Tell him no and if he raises it again you will be breaking up with him. If he wants to screw around tell him to find another woman who won't mind, and that you won't tolerate it.

Did you ever watch that channel 4 show about swinging where couples go on a retreat to live out their fantasies? It's mostly a car crash because fantasies and reality are worlds apart. Worth a watch IMO. It might be funny to watch it together.

Anyway, if you're not decided 100% either way, you don't have to jump straight in to a full swap! You could go to a sex club together on the understanding that no one is doing anything other than looking and see how you feel. I do think that swinging/open relationships/cheating are far more common than people let on.

His attitude stinks though, sulking is so deeply unattractive.

So he's changed tactic from 'wear her down by harping on about it all the time' to 'wear her down by giving her the cold shoulder'.

What a prince.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. How is your housing fixed? Are you renting, own jointly, own separately? Because you really should be considering your future. A future that does not include this abusive arsewipe.

The Op shouldn’t go anywhere near a swingers club with a man who’ll use emotionally abusive tactics to try and get his way.

The only thing she should be doing is running away.

OP, this poster is spot on. Please take on board what she's saying.