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Original poster

Finance wants me to sleep with another man

424 replies

Melly1991 · 22/02/2024 21:12

Title says it all really. Could do with some advice on this. It’s been going on for years. He has never been able to drop it.

I honestly am in two minds. He has said try it and see if we like it, and we can do it again. If not we never have to do it again. Why should I sacrifice something like this for him? He even mentioned introducing another couple a few times, that’s one thing I could never see him with another woman. I’ve said this a few times but he still mentions it sometimes but he has agreed for me to be with a man first and he is desperate to watch in the same room.

I don’t know whether I should go through with this unless I am 100%? Should he not be worshiping my body for himself and not someone else? We have been together 13 years but our sex life has honestly been amazing, I’ve never had any concerns. We are getting married early next year.

It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish he would drop it but he won’t and to be honest I’m concerned now we don’t have the same sex drive anymore/ want the same things?

OP posts:
BurntOutWitch · 23/02/2024 12:15

How much porn does he watch? This reads to my like a porn induced obsession.

scoobysnaxx · 23/02/2024 12:19

It's pretty sickening that he won't stop asking you.

He is not listening.

If you eventually said yes, he would think you're fine with it. Completely oblivious to the fact that he has manipulated you and pressured you. This either won't occur to
Him or even if it does it wouldn't bother him as long as he can get off on his kink.

Disgusting man.

Anameisaname · 23/02/2024 12:25

Melly1991 · 23/02/2024 11:44

@abouttogetlynched I did mention it and said I'm not doing it, he said that's fine. Until he will bring it up again so I will see and update on here if it's bought up again

You do need to have a conversation about sex though and fantasies and making sure that he is OK with this bring something that will never happen for him

Better to do now than post marriage

WildFlowerBees · 23/02/2024 12:26

This will be a topic of your marriage going forward. Do not marry him. This will go tits up in the not too distant future.

Elderflower14 · 23/02/2024 12:27

Pumpkinini · 23/02/2024 11:52

I think your fiancé needs to be no longer one.

My thoughts exactly!!!

SlightlyJaded · 23/02/2024 12:30

OP - this will not be sorted in one exchange where you say 'No' and he says 'Ok' and then wait for it to rear it's head again.

You really do need to press pause on your relationship and plans until you are CONFIDENT that he will never bring it up again and NEVER make you, or your sex life, feel 'less than'.

And I honestly don't know if that's possible. This is obviously a fantasy that has tipped into being something he wants to do to the point of obsession. He has repeatedly hassled you to try it, and, given his history of mentioning other couples, it does feel like a slippery slope into him being allowed to explore other fantasies and partners.

In your gut, you know that isn't for you. So be true to yourself and ask yourself whether you can be in a marriage where you are either a) pressured into doing something you don't want or b) made to feel 'not enough'.

Because I think those might be the only options. It's shit, but unless you can have a conversation (or a number of conversations) where you get to a point where HE MAKES YOU feel completely assured and confident - then I can't see an option 3.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/02/2024 12:31

DontWasteMyTime · 22/02/2024 21:18

I wouldn't marry a bloke who kept wanting me to have sex with someone else.

Indeed. Is he also looking for the go-ahead to sleep with other women here?

This ha disaster written all over it.

Rachel757677 · 23/02/2024 12:36

Eight times out of ten a cuckold sort of relationship will only work if it is the woman who is dominant and the man is submissive. It works best if the man is sexually inadequate in some way. Maybe he has a low libido, is impotent, has a small penis, or has premature ejjaculation issues. The woman becomes sexually frustrated and because the man is submissive he enjoys her going with another more sexually capable man. This is how it works for my partner and I.

What the OP describes will not work. Her partner is trying to top from the bottom.

Shabooboogaloo · 23/02/2024 12:46

Have him read this thread! The F is he thinking?
DonNOT do anything that you don’t want to try for YOUR pleasure.
I wouldn’t stay with my DP if this was how they behaved after I repeatedly said no but I do understand why leaving someone after 13 years could be daunting.

Is this the only red flag tho? Other than this he’s lovely and not controlling and not addicted to porn?

Shabooboogaloo · 23/02/2024 12:48

Are you sure he’s not going to ask for this as a wedding ‘present’ or for a birthday etc in the future?
You really need to think about why you want to marry him. It’s not the fact he has this fantasy, but the fact that he is trying to coerce you and will not let it drop.

Pataya · 23/02/2024 12:51

She'll still marry him then post more stuff about him.

Moosegooseontheloose · 23/02/2024 12:53

I’d dump him.

He wants to sleep with other women with your blessing.
If you don’t agree, he’ll do it anyway, behind your back, some time in the future when you think it’s all done and dusted.

krustykittens · 23/02/2024 12:54

Honestly, OP, if this is an obsession for him, it sounds like he wants a relationship and a lifestyle that you do not. You need to have really serious conversation about your lives together and your relationship going forward, because if this is what he really wants, he needs to find a partner who is happy with this from the outset. Sorry. x

Onceuponaheartache · 23/02/2024 12:56

Sorry @Melly1991 but throw him back.

Why the hell have you stayed with someone who is pressuring you to do something you don't want to do.

A no once should be the end of it.

PansyPolly · 23/02/2024 13:09

Rachel757677 · 23/02/2024 12:36

Eight times out of ten a cuckold sort of relationship will only work if it is the woman who is dominant and the man is submissive. It works best if the man is sexually inadequate in some way. Maybe he has a low libido, is impotent, has a small penis, or has premature ejjaculation issues. The woman becomes sexually frustrated and because the man is submissive he enjoys her going with another more sexually capable man. This is how it works for my partner and I.

What the OP describes will not work. Her partner is trying to top from the bottom.

This is one way it can work, but not the only way.

mummymeister · 23/02/2024 13:12

So you sleep with another man and that fulfills that fantasy for him. then what, whats next do you think? sleep with a woman, go to an orgy, do something really uncomfortable, dodgy. Once you do one thing its going to escalate. he then feels he has power and control over you in this area. the sex might be amazing but if you dont want to fulfill his fantasies then you are incompatible because he isnt ever going to stop asking or ramping up the requests and you are always going to feel uncomfortable.

Rachel757677 · 23/02/2024 13:24

PansyPolly · 23/02/2024 13:09

This is one way it can work, but not the only way.

Show quote history

No, it is not the only way, it can work lots of way., but I do think the circumstances I describe allow a cuckold relationship to flourish best.

PansyPolly · 23/02/2024 13:29

I disagree; my experience has been with a well endowed guy with a good libido and no erection/ejaculation who just liked the psychological aspect, and it worked very well.

Glad your way worked for you, though.

VampireWeekday · 23/02/2024 13:30

My worry would be that he doesn't seem to care at all about what you actually want. Any men pressuring you to sleep with someone you don't want to, or enter into a sex act you don't want, for their own gratification rather than yours is a massive red flag. Sex should be about mutually enjoyable things - I would not want to be with someone who wanted me to do something I didn't want to do.

Rachel757677 · 23/02/2024 13:32

PansyPolly · 23/02/2024 13:29

I disagree; my experience has been with a well endowed guy with a good libido and no erection/ejaculation who just liked the psychological aspect, and it worked very well.

Glad your way worked for you, though.

I do think the psychological aspect is crucial.

In truth, I love my cuckold relationship.

Seablue9 · 23/02/2024 13:39

Rachel757677 · 23/02/2024 12:36

Eight times out of ten a cuckold sort of relationship will only work if it is the woman who is dominant and the man is submissive. It works best if the man is sexually inadequate in some way. Maybe he has a low libido, is impotent, has a small penis, or has premature ejjaculation issues. The woman becomes sexually frustrated and because the man is submissive he enjoys her going with another more sexually capable man. This is how it works for my partner and I.

What the OP describes will not work. Her partner is trying to top from the bottom.

With respect this is a totally different situation.

Diamondcurtains · 23/02/2024 13:42

Fuck no!!! Run now 😡

Linnyh · 23/02/2024 13:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SlightlyJaded · 23/02/2024 13:52

@Seablue9 "With respect this is a totally different situation."

Er... yes - that's exactly the point @Rachel757677 is making. It's completely different and therefore, in her view, not likely to work.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2024 13:58

"It’s to a point he won’t stop asking me, he won’t ask me to my face and he gets awkward when we talk about it directly but he will talk about it over text (not phone call). He will text me when I’m downstairs and he’s upstairs in bed waiting for me. He will also text me when he’s at work to see my response."

I find this aspect of his bullying behaviour raising questions in my mind. He pressures you BY TEXT. Which means he has a record of his trying to wear you down, and a record of your responses. Face-to-face or phone-call, no record is created - and he actively avoids this. No, he channels his demands via a method that creates a record.

It's possible he uses these text exchanges as wank fodder. The question(s) in my mind is - is it wank fodder for anyone other than him? Plus, my thoughts are being drawn into revenge porn, where intimate photos are held over someone's head (as blackmail) post-breakup, or uploaded onto Pornhub or similar. These are not photos, these are text exchanges - but as with photos how happy would you be for your words to be made public?

The fact that he "won’t ask me to my face" or even talk to you about this over the phone is really fucking odd. Hell, if he only communicated with you by text about what's for dinner tonight and never face-to-face or phone, that would be really fucking odd too. To only communicate about a sexual practice he's trying to bully you into is not only odd, but deeply suspicious to me.

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