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Original poster

It's all good... until we go up to bed!

523 replies

PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 18:56

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 19:03

Just dump him. If the sex is this awful and selfish now its not going to get any better.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:06

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 19:03

Just dump him. If the sex is this awful and selfish now its not going to get any better.

Right. This should be the I can't keep my hands off him stage... Not the other way round!

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 17/02/2024 19:07

this sounds terrible! also if you can’t talk to him about how it makes you feel, it’s not a good omen.

JamSandle · 17/02/2024 19:09

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. Sounds like another young man whose had his brain pickled by porn.

Isthisexpected · 17/02/2024 19:10

The point is you don't feel comfortable enough to speak up and he isn't attuned enough to read the room or raise a conversation about preferences etc so it all seems wrong to me. I'd move on.

Mistymist · 17/02/2024 19:12

Just end it. It doesn't sound good at all. I was in a similar position a long time ago and I felt used and disgusted at myself. Even now when I think about it, I feel sick. I promised myself I would never let someone use me ever again.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:12

Fleetheart · 17/02/2024 19:07

this sounds terrible! also if you can’t talk to him about how it makes you feel, it’s not a good omen.

I know, I need to open up this convo! Just not quite sure how to go about it.
I can't expect him to know but also on the other hand I would expect a boyfriend to not completely take advantage of the situation

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 17/02/2024 19:12

@PinkPanther98

You deserve a lot better you mentioned you feel used violated
like a plastic blow up sex doll from Adult shop

This is definitely not the way any guy should make you feel,
this is massive red flag Banner waving strongly in the wind,

I strongly suggest even exploring therapy to see why you accept put up with this kind of behaviour in this relationship,

Is this a pattern 🤔 in relantships i wonder?

this is hell of lot more than intimacy and sexual incompatible...

TomatoketchupfromMandS · 17/02/2024 19:14

I can’t see this getting any better for you OP, like you say it’s the early days & you’re already wondering how to avoid intimacy with him. It sounds like my worst nightmare having to have sex for hours & being posed in different positions! I know it’s easier said than done but I’d be looking for an exit strategy.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:15

JamSandle · 17/02/2024 19:09

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. Sounds like another young man whose had his brain pickled by porn.

Definitely seems as if it is influenced by porn! He's 35 so it shouldn't all be new to him, but he had been married a long time, so I think he's found me and is letting loose a bit.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 17/02/2024 19:16

Could you suggest talking but via messages first? So broach the subject and let him have a heads up so it’s not as awkward?

positives first- I really enjoy x and y with you however a and b makes me feel…. And I would like….

pecanpie101 · 17/02/2024 19:16

This sounds awful op. I'm sorry he's made you feel like this.

Having a conversation about it is a good start. Does t sound like your that compatable though

DGPP · 17/02/2024 19:20

I wouldn’t even have the conversation, I’d just bin him. If he asks why, say the sex made you feel like he was trying to reenact porn and that’s not your thing. Next!

Ulysees · 17/02/2024 19:24

DGPP · 17/02/2024 19:20

I wouldn’t even have the conversation, I’d just bin him. If he asks why, say the sex made you feel like he was trying to reenact porn and that’s not your thing. Next!

This ^

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:24

fourelementary · 17/02/2024 19:16

Could you suggest talking but via messages first? So broach the subject and let him have a heads up so it’s not as awkward?

positives first- I really enjoy x and y with you however a and b makes me feel…. And I would like….

Yes I didn't know if it was an in person conversation but it can be really awkward to approach. I think the txt thing is a good idea. The whole next day I was with him and wanted to say something but didn't know how!

Like I could go about it in a flirty way (" I like this with you, but maybe not for hours tho 😉") but I also don't want to brush over something that has obviously had an effect on me either

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 17/02/2024 19:26

I dated someone last year a bit like this, though I guess I didn’t feel violated as such and did enjoy it, but I’ve never had sex with someone who lasted so long. Like this guy I’d say it’s down to the porn use. The guy I was seeing was a big porn user and probably why he lasted so long, death grip (especially when drinking, in the morning it wasn’t actually as long). Same re positions, all his moves screamed porn. I didn’t mind as it was fun and exciting but god I couldn’t have done more than the couple of months it lasted. He did ask me though if I had anything I didn’t want to do etc, so was a little more respectful.

RipleyGreen · 17/02/2024 19:27

I’m wondering if you’re much younger than him, do you not have the confidence to tell him this isn’t on? But I’d be surprised if the situation changed meaningfully even if do talk to him, sadly.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:32

cerisepanther73 · 17/02/2024 19:12

@PinkPanther98

You deserve a lot better you mentioned you feel used violated
like a plastic blow up sex doll from Adult shop

This is definitely not the way any guy should make you feel,
this is massive red flag Banner waving strongly in the wind,

I strongly suggest even exploring therapy to see why you accept put up with this kind of behaviour in this relationship,

Is this a pattern 🤔 in relantships i wonder?

this is hell of lot more than intimacy and sexual incompatible...

Yeah I am looking inwards to be like what can I do to change the situation, or why am I like this! I found it frustrating myself that I couldn't communicate my needs. It was as if I almost went into shut down mode and now trying to rectify it to stop it happening again.

As for a pattern, my first relationship was an abusive one and it set me off on the wrong foot. But other relationships were fine and didn't cross any boundaries where I needed to address.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 17/02/2024 19:35

"I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say "

No, it absolutely is not 'on you'.
Look up the freeze response and see if that rings a bell.

Well he's not stopping to ask is he?
He's ploughing ahead, taking whatever he can get for himself and not giving two shits how you are feeling.
That's the reality.

A man can be very 'nice' to you and a 'gentleman' when he thinks that later that night he'll be getting 3 hours of flipping you about in the bed like a blow up doll.

Just dump him now, get out of this situation now.

Gladespade · 17/02/2024 19:37

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 19:03

Just dump him. If the sex is this awful and selfish now its not going to get any better.

Yes, first reply has it right. He’s selfish and crap in bed. Probably thinks he’s good because it goes on so long, but actually doesn’t care about your comfort or pleasure.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:38

RipleyGreen · 17/02/2024 19:27

I’m wondering if you’re much younger than him, do you not have the confidence to tell him this isn’t on? But I’d be surprised if the situation changed meaningfully even if do talk to him, sadly.

Perhaps you're right. He's 10 years older than me. I need to learn to assert my boundary, which isn't something I have done. So I'm trying to work out how to do this effectively

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:41

Gladespade · 17/02/2024 19:37

Yes, first reply has it right. He’s selfish and crap in bed. Probably thinks he’s good because it goes on so long, but actually doesn’t care about your comfort or pleasure.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I don't understand why he thinks it's a good thing to go on for so long. Even afterwards he has said he can still carry on.. and I'm like why. Just takes the fun out of it.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 17/02/2024 19:45

I don't mind a man feeling like he's starring in a porn show if he's focussing on my pleasure, and I'm okay with pointing out that he is not allowed to put his hand round my throat under any circumstances, and no, i can't stay in that position, because my hips can't take it, and please can he adjust that angle so he's not bashing my cervix quite so hard? But if they don't listen, they can piss off.

Likewise, I try to listen to feedback about what really works for him, what pressure and speed he likes, because everyone is different, and what worked in one relationship might not be as good in this one, but something else might cause fireworks.

But if you can't have those conversations, you need to step back and stop having sex with him. It can be easier to do this by text rather than a face to face chat, but you need to be able to communicate one way or another.

Mollyplop999 · 17/02/2024 19:46

If you don't feel comfortable speaking to him about sex then you certainly shouldn't ve doing it with him. It's not going to work, dump him, you deserve better.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/02/2024 19:51

This is as bad as it gets. I feel worn down on your behalf. He’s no gentleman. He’s been pornhubbed to death (which also explains the hours of sex as hard labour). When did sex become all about performance and nothing about feeling? Just have a good ol’ fashioned howling orgasm! What happened to that simplicity? Now you and your bleached asshole have to get into position and look the part of some exploited girl woman he wanks to while looking at his phone on the shitter. That’s pretty much a summary of men these days. ‘Wax it like a little girl’s’. They want this. Ask them why this has become normalised. Why do we comply with porn’s (and the men addicted to it) standards? And the men who demand this obviously haven’t looked in a mirror for ages. Porn has ruined everything. It really has.
Anyway, I digress. He’s a luxury assclown. You’ve done your time. It’s shit, OP. There’s nothing you can do to turn this gulag into Disneyland.