It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

Yup. Wants a girlfriend and a pornstar.
Making me think he has been warped by porn and it's either what he needs or what he thinks should be done 🙄

He sounds horribly selfish and to be honest if it's taking him so long to come he's probably desensitised to real sex because he watches too much porn. He sounds grim. Get rid already.

That's exactly what it feels like. He gets what he wants and I'm in a position I'm unsure how to navigate 😕
I definitely need to approach this. I'm annoyed at myself that I couldn't do so at the time. Want to get together what needs to be said and hopefully he'll take this on board. If not then I know what to do!

It sounds as though he's on a diet of pornography and Viagra.

This.

TMI but did you actually cum? Did he in any way make sure you were having a good time? Did he check in with you? Doesn't sound like it.

I'd lose my shit over this completely op. I can't believe you're thinking of sending a vague wishy-washy text with language like 'maybe' and a wink emoji. You should be feeling angry and communicating clearly or better yet ending things. It's unacceptable. Time to raise your bar. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Yeah I didn't know if he was purposely trying to hold back to make the experience last longer.. but this was just next level! Or if he actually can't because he is used to the glorified version online! Massive turn off for sure.

I was thinking that about the viagra too, and obviously the porn. But also... not your problem, he's a 45 year old man if he doesn't know how to communicate when it comes to having enjoyable sex then it's not for you to try and unpick that

I know internally I am. I don't know why I am struggling to be so upfront with him. It's my first night alone so giving myself the chance to word something to him. I'm in shock with it all and working out the best way to go about it.

You ARE being violated. I’m sorry. Limit the damage to yourself, and end it.

End this horrible relationship immediately. That would be my advice.

Don't overthink it, just finish the relationship - it is no longer working for YOU

you say you are 10 years younger than him and he is 35, so you are 25 - you have years and years and years ahead of you, do you really want to be with him any longer if this is what your sex life is like now?!!!

The world is your oyster right now, so many suitable men out there that will treat you properly inside and outside of bed.

Finnish the relationship.

Yea barely. Like he only did something for a few seconds either to get me into it or maybe because he thinks that's what you're supposed to do.
It's ironic how I was worried about being "selfish" so did as he wanted, but looking back he was the more selfish one in bed.

Don’t try to deal with this in a flirty way, he won’t get it. If you want things to improve you are just going to have to say it. It’s WAY easier at 47 than it was at 25. It’s also easier to say what you like than what you don’t. I prefer to cuddle up to have difficult conversations but others prefer to do it whilst walking or driving.

I want to talk to you about last night. Some of the stuff we did was great. I really enjoyed it when you xxx. But I wasn’t entirely comfortable with some of the positions we were in and I find if sex goes on too long then I get sore. In future I’d really love it if we could spend a bit more time doing X and then maybe have sex in positions A,B or C. I’d be happy to try other things in future but we don’t have to do it all in one night, there’s plenty of chances for us to explore as our relationship goes on.

If that doesn’t cause immediate improvement then ditch his arse.

How about.

Look I'm sorry I'd like to have said this face to face but the sex Friday night was really not my thing at all. It is a great shame because I really think you are lovely but hours of fantasy porn sex is really not my thing.
Honestly very few actual real women want hours of penetration and to spend hours pleasing you with very little in return.
I hope you understand and this is just communication issue. But if you are looking for a porn gf I'm not the one.

@Seaweed42 is correct: the behavior you are exhibiting (the inability to speak up) and the attempt to keep him happy all the time by being compliant and deferential ate trauma responses: Freezing and Fawning. Dump him and find someone who lets you feel safe.

Definitely just dump him now if sex with him leaves you disturbed and violated. Just tell him you're not compatible, I wouldn't go into detail.

Gosh OP....Don't see him again! He sounds vile!
You need to dump him not letting yourself being put in all sorts of positions for his own pleasure and acting out probably what he's seen on his screen, yuk! I'd leave him to it!

Wtf, my lovely little mate, dump this pornwankster asap. You have a strong and purposeful life ahead of you. Wankster does not figure in it.

What do you mean it’s your first night alone?

Urgh- it’s porn that does this. And ignorance/ lack of experience.

at best, he’s under the illusion that women love men grinding them for hours 🙄

but sounds like he’s just re- enacting porn scenes for his wank bank. Sounds like he’s got a bucket list and screwing a 25 year old is on it.

get rid. At 25, he should know better!

35 but yeah I'm currently pinning it on myself and working on my communication skills.. but actually he isn't doing it either because whilst he's getting what he wants, why would he 🤷‍♀️ not what I want in a partner when they should be caring about how you feel in it all too.

Tell him it's shark week.. If he makes excuses not to see you he isn't genuine..

Mate.

Dump him.

Don’t bother with twisting yourself into knots trying to work out how to make him behave decently. He’s treated you very poorly and you have every right to finish things because you are incompatible.

How do you think you’ll be able to communicate about this to make it alright? Nothing you can say will change your memories of feeling used and violated by him the very first time you were together. You will never fully trust him in bed together again. Even in the extremely unlikely event that he will change, you will always remember how unpleasant he can be.
Dont waste any more time- dump and move on.

He's stayed at mine since Wednesday, so have been with him constantly. Haven't had that alone time to really think. He took a few days off work so it's been pretty full on day & night.