It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

I think you are on the verge of entering into another abusive relationship. I really do.
Get rid, don't try to talk about it, just get rid.
Have you done The Freedom Programme, if not I think you should.
Once you've got rid of him.

Admittedly this made me face my vulnerabilities. I was in a position I didn't expect from him and I'm left facing something that I'm trying to make better somehow.

I liked to have thought despite being young I had a few experiences under my belt but it's only shown me how much I need to assert my boundaries and simply didn't know how and so trying to do so now. Also a bit frustrating how I feel I am trying to educate a 35yr old man on this!

You don’t need to educate him OP.
He knows and doesn’t care.
Please listen to those of us who are telling you this.

Yep, text dump then block. Trust me, this one deserves it. 'I'm going to leave things here. Last night showed we are incompatible and was not enjoyable for me. All the best'. Just factual, nothing he can turn on you or deny.

I take it you mean he took all that time without coming and having a break? When you are young and in a new relationship then a couple of hours occasionally might be fun - but it should entail two or three sessions with a snooze or a chat or glass of fizz in between. Hours of non-stop action would make anyone's fanjo curl up and die........

Agree with PPs that he has a problem. Whether it's porn or just that he can't quite get there, that's not your problem and you really don't want to be part of it. (After many years of marriage I'm comfortably in the 15 minutes bracket, thank you.....😀).

If you can't discuss it - and make it clear that he is weird and you're not into that - then I think you need to move on..... Sorry.

Why arent you having honest and open conversations about sex? If you can't do that or talk about anything important, then you're not compatible.

Sadly, this 👆

I wouldn't think about it much, just finish it. He won't listen anyway.

This gave me the creeps tbh.

This in spades

10000% this.

I'm not naive when it comes to sex, but I am unsure on what "pornstar poses" are.

I was struggling a little to understand your issue with duration until you said you only came once. Yeah, get it now.

You're 25, so relatively young. You need to take more control in sex. If you're in a position you don't like, move. I don't allow people to be lazy, they participate actively or I'm out of there.

Lessons I've learnt:

• if the sex is bad, don't go back. There's no point. Finding your rhythm with a new partner is fine, but boring and unfulfilling shouldn't be repeated.
• Find positions that work for you and actively get there. Don't wait for him to choose.
• try new things you're comfortable with. If you don't enjoy them change position. You don't have to stay there.

That's not going to change what's happened. But it'll happen again if you don't look out for yourself.

I set boundaries way before sex. It can tell you a lot about what they'll be like in bed. Your guy already demonstrated that he doesn't ask - he just packed his overnight bag and assumed he'd be staying.

Another vote for straightforward dumping and probably mentioning that you're not sexually compatible- for his and his future dates benefits! If he's otherwise nice then hopefully he'll learn for his next lucky lady and if he's really totally selfish then at least he'll move on from you.
Remember this for your next dates too- don't get into bed with anyone until you're definitely comfortable enough to tell him what you want or to say if you don't like it.

I dont think she came once - I think he did a few moments of something which, had he persisted MIGHT have made her come, but he didnt give it more than a few seconds

ŴTF are you doing at your age with a man a decade older who can't fuck? Move on, it shouldn't be thus convoluted in your 20s

I have always tried to work on things first

There are things you work on. Say he's into morning sex and you like evening sex. Say the angle is a little off. There's small adjustments and things that take some time to perfect. All great.

He's a completely shit lay who didn't bother to spend any time on your pleasure except when it facilitating him getting what he wanted. The man has no pride in his craft FFS. There a great story about The Rock and DJ Khaled. Quote below:

After The Rootot^ tweeted out a link to a recently resurfaced 2015 interview with DJ Khaledd in which the equally hard-working producer revealed that he doesn’t perform oral sex on his wife even though he expects her to because he’s “the king” and there are “different rules for men” Johnson had a little something to say about Khaled’s work ethic.
The Rampage star tweeted out, “Ahem.. clears throat as a man, I take great pride in mastering ALL performances. This is probably a little TMI.. I will now quietly excuse myself from this fun thread.”
The Rock is the version of men you want to look for. "Great pride" note. Not phoning in sex to get his needs met.

Men lurking on here... Be The Rock.

My DP was similar at first. He would last forever and show off with different position's. He also wanted to play with me lots and just generally caress me whilst watching tv. suppose honeymoon period.

but it really annoyed me. I just wanted to watch tv without something sexual going on all the time. Have sex that didn’t last forever etc. We got on and his personality was great. Sex was also a bit slow paced as if he went faster it ended for him. He always wanted to make sure I was satisfied. But long sex just made me numb.

i had a chat and he said he was enjoying it and wanted it to last longer. We now have good sec that lasts enough time for both of us. But I suppose we gitvto know each other.

Well it seems to me that at some stage during this event you were raped.

Hi OP, I’m so glad you have shared this here as all the advice that has come through is so important. I am older now, but have been in similar situations during my early twenties. Now that I’m in a real, long-term relationship with a good man, I look back with despair at some of the situations I accepted and thought were ok back then - but mostly I look back with anger at men who take advantage of young women in this way.

Please know that this man is not the one for you, otherwise this whole conversation would simply not be happening. Please don’t give him any ‘chances’ or try to fix this - this is not what the beginning of a good relationship looks like. You should be having fun and feeling cared for - NEVER EVER feeling used and confused. Please trust yourself and your own feelings, and move on from this relationship. I’m rooting for you!!

Oh my gosh, this guy actually sounds scary. Please don't see him again. You can do so much better.

Why do you have to open a convo? Just text him and tell him it's not going to work for you, then block.

this

This.

I wouldn't bother having a conversation with him.

He wasn't bothered to ask you what you liked before re-enacting porn with you

I would never want that man to touch me again.

totally, totally agree. OP should not go back with this wanker (ha ha!).

The very start of a relationship, from the first minute you are intimate, should be about respecting each other and finding out what each other like.

This isn’t something to be worked on. Don’t spend another minute with this guy, he is selfish and disrespectful and he’s already dented your self esteem. You’ve been blindsided by a colossal lack of manners and respect, don’t be hard on yourself, this wasn’t your fault.

Don't let him in the house ever again. Seriously. Text him and tell him it just isn't working for you and then don't open the door if he comes over anyway. Have a friend come over if you think he will react badly. His behavior is so bold I worry for you.