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Original poster

It's all good... until we go up to bed!

523 replies

PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 18:56

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 19:57

TomatoketchupfromMandS · 17/02/2024 19:14

I can’t see this getting any better for you OP, like you say it’s the early days & you’re already wondering how to avoid intimacy with him. It sounds like my worst nightmare having to have sex for hours & being posed in different positions! I know it’s easier said than done but I’d be looking for an exit strategy.

Right, I was wondering what was wrong with me, thinking this is something I should like! Not quite sure the desire to have it for such a prolonged time. It puts you off something you otherwise would and should find pleasurable.

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 17/02/2024 19:59

He sounds awful OP I hope your okay

AuContraire · 17/02/2024 20:01

Sex with this man is never going to be respectful and about your pleasure OP.

Honestly, walk away. Why on earth do you think you should go back for more with a man who on your very first night in bed together made you feel violated? Your overriding feeling when remembering sex with him is to shudder.

This is all sorts of wrong, you are worth more than this. Value yourself more than you clearly do.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:01

Mistymist · 17/02/2024 19:12

Just end it. It doesn't sound good at all. I was in a similar position a long time ago and I felt used and disgusted at myself. Even now when I think about it, I feel sick. I promised myself I would never let someone use me ever again.

Yeah that's exactly how I've been feeling, can't quite shake it off. I'm sat here this evening being like I need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/02/2024 20:02

I mean honestly, OP, it’s quite sick behaviour. It’s not at all normal or healthy. I’d be creeped out.

Caribbeaanqueen · 17/02/2024 20:04

Sounds as though you felt objectified which as unromantic as you can get. I would definitely move this one on.

MyLeftKnee · 17/02/2024 20:04

Perhaps because he's older than you he's trying to prove himself a bit? I had a BF like this, he was so keen to show me his tricks he missed the fact I wasn't actually that into it.
You'll have to tell him, if it gets no better then dump. Bad sex this early on that doesn't get better after talking about it, is just a sign that the relationship will fail eventually.

cannaecookrisotto · 17/02/2024 20:05

My DH knows he has about 15 minutes of penetration max before I start getting dry desert minge.

We focus more on foreplay so by the time we get to DTD he's on the verge anyway. Nothing worse than being jackhammered for hours, I'd have to call a halt to it and tell him to take it into the bathroom and sort himself out.

Either have the discussion, or get rid.

You could be diplomatic about it, just say after so long you start getting dry and it hurts.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:06

AuContraire · 17/02/2024 20:01

Sex with this man is never going to be respectful and about your pleasure OP.

Honestly, walk away. Why on earth do you think you should go back for more with a man who on your very first night in bed together made you feel violated? Your overriding feeling when remembering sex with him is to shudder.

This is all sorts of wrong, you are worth more than this. Value yourself more than you clearly do.

I think I'm at that feeling now, already avoiding intimacy because I don't want it to be like that!

I just thought if I opened up a conversation, we would know the boundaries for next time..

OP posts:
TwoWithCurls · 17/02/2024 20:09

JamSandle · 17/02/2024 19:09

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. Sounds like another young man whose had his brain pickled by porn.

Exactly what I was thinking. Can't actually enjoy real sex, so trying his best to make it like the porn he gets off to.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:10

cannaecookrisotto · 17/02/2024 20:05

My DH knows he has about 15 minutes of penetration max before I start getting dry desert minge.

We focus more on foreplay so by the time we get to DTD he's on the verge anyway. Nothing worse than being jackhammered for hours, I'd have to call a halt to it and tell him to take it into the bathroom and sort himself out.

Either have the discussion, or get rid.

You could be diplomatic about it, just say after so long you start getting dry and it hurts.

I'm glad you mentioned the 15 mins because in previous relationships I've always mentioned my 20 minute mark 😂 it's because it's a brand new relationship and so we haven't had these discussions. I really wasn't expecting this. I said something along those lines but not til hours later.. not quite sure why I pushed myself for so long!

OP posts:
Windmill34 · 17/02/2024 20:11

Get rid, probably reason his ex wife got rid of him( not that he’s going to tell you)
I couldn’t think of anything more off putting, knowing it was going to be sooo long winded and to ask to to go into different positions that you yourself are not happy about doing

your young, don’t be influenced by an over sexed, porn influenced prick

Beamur · 17/02/2024 20:12

This sounds pretty awful OP.
He sounds horribly selfish and you sound very uncomfortable. Not a great start to a relationship.
If you can't talk about sex with a partner, you shouldn't be having sex. You've done nothing wrong and whilst you should approach this tactfully, if you feel more like avoiding him or trying to make light of it, I'd suggest these are both red flags.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:15

MyLeftKnee · 17/02/2024 20:04

Perhaps because he's older than you he's trying to prove himself a bit? I had a BF like this, he was so keen to show me his tricks he missed the fact I wasn't actually that into it.
You'll have to tell him, if it gets no better then dump. Bad sex this early on that doesn't get better after talking about it, is just a sign that the relationship will fail eventually.

Yes maybe! I think he's letting himself get carried away.. new younger woman and all that! Like what's wrong with the simple stuff 😂
I definitely need to tell him. He got the idea eventually, hence the "I'll leave you alone tonight" comment but I just want to make it clear. Like you say, it's not going to last long if I don't want to have sex with my own boyfriend!

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:21

Caribbeaanqueen · 17/02/2024 20:04

Sounds as though you felt objectified which as unromantic as you can get. I would definitely move this one on.

Yes that's a really good way of putting it. Was a bit of a shock to the system when outside of the bedroom, he is full of romantic gestures.. I expected it to follow on, but as soon as the opportunity arose, another side came out.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:24

Alwaystired2023 · 17/02/2024 19:59

He sounds awful OP I hope your okay

Thank you. First night on my own so trying to process it all and work out what to do moving forward!

OP posts:
Dontlookatmelikethat · 17/02/2024 20:26

Good god...several hours?!...oof 😮

I couldn't bear it. I'd be bored to death of it if nothing else. No matter how polite I was, he'd be taking up my valuable sleeping time and I wouldn't tolerate that!

Deebee90 · 17/02/2024 20:27

You have different sex styles and for that it’s ok to split, however next time you sleep with someone make sure you’re able to tell them to stop etc when you aren’t enjoying it.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:27

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/02/2024 20:02

I mean honestly, OP, it’s quite sick behaviour. It’s not at all normal or healthy. I’d be creeped out.

Yeah I am pretty taken aback by it all to be honest. Like I need to speak to him about it but why does he even think it's okay in the first place!

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 17/02/2024 20:30

It sounds as though he's on a diet of pornography and Viagra.

One thing you can tell about those who are addicted to porn, they are all really really lazy in bed.

I wouldn't go through that again. It sounds absolutely horrendous. You feel used because you have been used. Honestly, I would just go home tonight and leave him alone to his hand.

neilyoungismyhero · 17/02/2024 20:31

Sounds like he's on the little blue pills to me and taking full advantage of it.
He's treated you like a whore bin him.

Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:31

Deebee90 · 17/02/2024 20:27

You have different sex styles and for that it’s ok to split, however next time you sleep with someone make sure you’re able to tell them to stop etc when you aren’t enjoying it.

Of course! Like I didn't want to be selfish so did what he asked but it gets to a point where I feel how long should I adere to this haha
I think my problem is knowing how to say it in the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:33

neilyoungismyhero · 17/02/2024 20:31

Sounds like he's on the little blue pills to me and taking full advantage of it.
He's treated you like a whore bin him.

I didn't think of that, but would make sense considering.
Unfortunately that's how I ended up feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:43

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/02/2024 20:30

It sounds as though he's on a diet of pornography and Viagra.

One thing you can tell about those who are addicted to porn, they are all really really lazy in bed.

I wouldn't go through that again. It sounds absolutely horrendous. You feel used because you have been used. Honestly, I would just go home tonight and leave him alone to his hand.

It really is sounding like it! It's like they get you into bed and expect you to do it all. How do they expect women to go back with experiences like this?!

Yes left him alone tonight and can finally get my thoughts together about the whole thing 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPanther98 · 17/02/2024 20:45

Dontlookatmelikethat · 17/02/2024 20:26

Good god...several hours?!...oof 😮

I couldn't bear it. I'd be bored to death of it if nothing else. No matter how polite I was, he'd be taking up my valuable sleeping time and I wouldn't tolerate that!

Haha yes. Sacrificing my sleep for his satisfaction is something I don't want to do again!

OP posts: