It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

😂😂Agree there's something odd about her responses, almost just enjoying the attention and repeating the same things over and over.

Sadly this is the misconception of a lot of younger women with older men. The women believe they’ve bagged a catch bc ‘an older more mature man has shown an interest- they must really respect me, despite me being younger and have to think I’m equally mature’ etc

NAAAAAH!!!

It’s bc they have a younger body, are generally less confident in a relationship with an older guy, and like you, are eager to please them in the bedroom to keep up ‘their end’ or do what’s expected of them to justify being ‘chosen’.

You are being used. He must have thought he won the lottery when a single 25 year old showed any interest and let him fulfil his sexual fantasies that his wife was well and truly sick of, without a word - it shows a massive lack of disrespect to you OP.

And the presumption you’d be happy with him staying over for several days - overnight bag packed and ready to go and taking days off work when you hadn’t actually invited him - that was clearly him manipulating you - ‘helping out’?? What a shitty position to put you in! As if you could have said no without being put in a very awkward situation by him.

He would have factored this in - which is taking advantage (a clear example of the unequal dynamic of your relationship - him banking on you being too shy to say no)

OR he is so thoughtless and arrogant that he didn’t even question whether you’d be happy with this situation - he assumed you would be bc it’s a massive treat for him to be fucking a 25 year old any which he wants over several days 🤮 wouldn’t occur to him you’d be less than keen. Or he wouldn’t care anyway probably.

Unless this was a one off to get it out of his system - which is unacceptable - but you may want to give him another chance - yeah, bin.

Just unnecessarily critical of OP.

It just shows his total lack of respect for you OP. He may be nice when you’re not in bed but he’s treating you like a sex toy, not a human being.

Not really - RTFT. I don’t know how long we’re supposed to draw out this conversation. Her responses start like they sound considered, but ultimately take the advice and take action, or stop prolonging the drama.

Sorry for typos, was just so pissed off when writing my post. Should have been ‘lack of respect’ not disrespect and ‘any which way he wants’ etc.

Basically there’s a large power imbalance to these types of relationships whereby the woman usually feels lucky to have been selected to be the gf of the older guy as they assume it means they are respected and considered an equal, when it’s usually (not always) more of a physical tick sheet they are fulfilling. It really annoys me that women feel grateful to be chosen by these men and act accordingly, agreeing to all sorts of degrading behaviour when it’s win-win for the men and THEY are the ones who are punching above their weight and should be feeling unbelievably lucky.

Don’t waste your youth on him, OP. Choose someone without the baggage who respects you and wants you for you, not your body.

RTFT ? Don't know what this is ?
Yes OK but I feel it's the interest / fascination shown in the thread which is continuing the drama tbh.
Anyway, take care .

Shagging all night- I would never bother for that long but some see it as goals.

I'm very fond of sleep.

I agreed to a morning date. 😉

Read the full thread*

Needlessly harsh. She's just being polite by acknowledging everyone. It's the same people-pleasing instinct that left her vulnerable to this situation in the first place.

Actually this has gone on for days, since Saturday evening,
I guess it was Saturday morning when he left her home.

So having had lots of replies on her post by Sunday am, and read them / replied to them, she should have sent him the Goodbye text on Sunday morning.
Sunday evening at the very latest as she was out with friends on Sunday ?

Instead she updates him on her car progress etc.

However it's now Weds evening, and it doesn't appear he is asking for another date, maybe he got what he wanted and isn't bothered any more / isn't interested in her anymore.

Having now left it so long to dump him it could now look like she has realised he is moving on and her dumping him is just sour grapes.

And if she does text him, dumping him and explaining that the sex was shit for her, as it's 5+ days later it has lost it's effect as will look that it's taken her 5+ days to decide the sex was shit.

Op have you sent that text yet?

Yes, it’s horrible isn’t it? Op is reacting as many people would who have had their expectations shattered. She was probably building this relationship up in her mind because he seemed to be treating her so well. He deceived her and now she knows a who he really is. That takes a bit of getting used to. I am like op I have to talk talk talk until I come to understand what is really going on; listen to different opinions before I work out what to do. So all the salacious mumsnetters who want her to make instant decisions while they gobble down their popcorn are going to be disappointed. Good for you, op. Do whatever you feel you need to in your own good time.

I do think after the long marriage he's using this to try and get all his Christmases come at once!

Nah, he will have pulled similar shit with his wife too. It will be no coincidence that he left her with newborn twins. Never have I felt such relief for someone I have never met. I hope her and her children are well. I suspect they are just fine.

I totally get why OP is taking her time. I've done it (albeit older) in a similar situation or with a man I really liked. But it's like tearing a plaster off a bad cut, the longer you leave it the harder it gets.

And OP seems to think that this man is a quick fix, it can be sorted when the chances of that... at her age... are a million to one. But I get that she doesn't want to be too hasty in ending things. I really wish I was more proactive in the past in certain relationships though rather than letting them drag on or thinking I could fix them.

Excellent explanation of the need some people have to ruminate before fully taking everything in and processing. Often highly sensitive people

Ruminate or mentionitis.

This is true. Possibly better to wait until he comes back, and he will come back at some stage for more. Then say it.

@PinkPanther98 a few posters lately becoming quite critical because you haven’t immediately jumped and LTB. Quite usual fur MN unfortunately

Reading your posts, it feels to me like you’ve been quite used to put everyone else needs above yours. You are used to be the peace keeper/the one who smooth things over. I know, I’ve been there too.

It’s a hard feeling to shake so I’m not surprised it’s taking you a few days to get your head around it.
Having said that, I’d send the text now. Just tell him it’s not working out for you.

You don’t need to explain. You don’t need to manage to make him see your pov (some people would say they are actually trauma response).
You certainly don’t need to ‘have an effect’ on him with your text.
The only thing you need from that text is to end things and send him his way. That’s it.

Dont make things over complicated. Don’t take responsibility when it’s not yours (eg make him see the light/understand).
Just do the one thing that is important - putting yourself first.

Not familiar with mentionitis but guessing it means something like enjoying a lot of 'mentioning' for its own sake .
If that's the case then definitely, ruminating.

Have you dumped this selfish user yet?

Terrific advice

Leave him he sounds like he is selfish and does not respect your boundaries.