It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

He's not a pet project for you to fix. He's a fucked up guy who watches too much porn and has no respect for his sexual partners, you are merely an accessory to his pleasure. There is nothing whatsoever that you can do to make this better and the fact you're wringing your hands this soon into a relationship is a red flag parade.

You're worth better - now all you need to do is believe it yourself.

I think you're probably not compatible but it's worth talking to him about it before you cut it off completely. Although tbh those actions would make me run a mile.

How long have you been together? That sounds a bit full on for a new relationship.

You're wasting your time trying to talk to him imo OP, he needs completely retraining and I couldn't be arsed with that level of work just to get a decent shag tbh.

Did you want him to stay?
Did he ask you was it okay or did he make all the decisions and you kind of shuffled along with it.

Some people can be very controlling and manipulative in a really 'nice' way.

Hahah you're right a wankster is not in it 😂 so much so soon!

He makes you feel used because he has used you. No need for drawn out conversations, tell him that you’re not compatible and end it.

Omg OP I’ve been there, but too young to articulate it so rolled with it. I’m probably too inarticulate still but I’d know damn well to never be underneath such a fuckwit again. I bet he’ll be mortified to find out women don’t like being literally pounded until sparks fly, please update us once you’ve made him aware. I’m interested to know if wankers like this can take criticism?

Dump him please. Do not bother trying to change him or adapt yourself to him. He is a failure as a man. He will fail you as well if you persist in seeing him. I suspect he does not have the capacity to change, Even when he is acting like the 'gentleman I suspect he is acting a part.
Do not allow him in again.

THIS IS NOT A COMMUNICATION ISSUE.

Sorry to shout. But calling this a communication issue makes it seem like if you just found the magic words he’d change. Why doesn’t he have to find the magic words so sex with him is pleasurable and not traumatizing?

You can’t talk someone into treating you well. They either know how to do it or they aren’t going to do it.

I actually raised this with a friend because he took time off to "help me out" but this wasn't agreed (I was literally just looking for a new car!). He seems to come over, it gets late and then he goes to his car and gets his overnight bag (so he's already preplanned this!)

Yeah I have been trying to keep my eyes open to this but also didn't know if it was my own mind looking into things too much!

@PinkPanther98 just read your latest update. That's really weird! Please get out of this relationship.

OP I'm really proud of you for recognising that this made you uncomfortable and for explaining it so well to us. Don't feel bad that you couldn't say it in the moment. I had a similar experience but stayed with him for years and years, we lived together etc, he would have said I was happy. But it was always in the back of my mind. I think I thought I was supposed to enjoy it. I really resent all that stolen sleep, sleeping in too long the next day. At some point I started saying 'no' and then didn't stop!

I was very clear with my boundaries in my next relationship.

Don't give him the benefit of thinking it's just because he's going mad after being married for so long, she probably got sick of his shit too, and he's telling himself how uncool she was and now he's got some willing younger woman. Tell him like it is!

I think I need shouting at 😂

I just have in my head that if I don't communicate it, he won't know.

I didn't want to use the word traumatising but I'm here feeling like it!

It's like how can you treat someone so well and as soon as the bedroom time hits, it all goes out of the window!

Yuck, find someone your age. Not an older bloke using you like a sex toy
What a gross man he is!

I actually raised this with a friend because he took time off to "help me out" but this wasn't agreed (I was literally just looking for a new car!). He seems to come over, it gets late and then he goes to his car and gets his overnight bag (so he's already preplanned this!)

That not okay, if you haven't agreed it beforehand.

Go out and find a man who's more interested in finding out how to make you cum and in listening to you.

Have to join the chorus of voices saying please bin this man! Allow him no further access to you. No more popping out to get his horrible overnight bag!!

Enjoy your own space and work out the wording of your dumping text. You can do this. Hold your head high.

Ugh, I could tell just by your first few posts.

OP, I’m going to be really blunt here. You’ve just met him. This isn’t a relationship. He’s not serious about you. He has two motives here: 1) to have someone to use as a sex doll and 2) to rub in his ex-wife’s face that he’s sleeping with someone younger. He has blatantly shown that he has zero respect for you, doesn’t care about your feelings or pleasure, and he knows damn well that what he wants crosses the line (hence the “leaving you alone” comment).

Do you really think this is how he would treat a woman that he was interested in pursuing a serious relationship with? No. Of course not.

So why do you keep responding as if you want to continue letting this man use you? You know you’re worth way more than him, don’t you?

This. And youre very young. You have options. Many, many options. Find your voice and dump this one.

You poor thing. Dump him he sounds awful.

What worries me the most is that you clearly started this thread completely unsure if you were being unreasonable or not. You were worried that explaining that you didn't find sex with him enjoyable meant that you were a selfish person who wasn't being kind or considerate.

My impression after everything you have posted is that you are actually quite vulnerable.

You have been brainwashed into thinking you have to be cool and understanding about how you are treated during sex. That there is something wrong with you if you do not enjoy - what you don't actually enjoy. That you should go along with that sort of sex because it must be normal if others apparently do it (this is a particular vulnerability of Gen Z and the fear of being different and standing out.)

You have also been brainwashed into thinking that you just need to somehow find the right words to explain to a man that he should treat you with respect and that the fact that you could not find those words or dare to say them means that it is all your fault...

You also do not seem to be able to tell a man that you do not want him to stay with you for a few days just because he decides he wants to. Did you also feel that you must go along with this despite knowing that you didn't want it?

Can I suggest that at the very least you do The Freedom Programme? You can do it online.

And please, keep using this board! It is the best way to untangle this sort of spaghetti head!

I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. It will help you understand the type of person your bf is. He is a predator. He targeted you and he herds you in the direction he wants you to go. This is why he can seem so nice some of the time (while he is herding you upstairs) then he gets down to his real business which is breaching your boundaries and forcing you to have sex you don’t want.

Get.Out.Now.

The safest place to be is out of this relationship. Treat it like a tiger: just turn snd run. You can always catch your breath snd reevaluate later, from a safe distance.

The reason you feel so bad is that he dehumanised you just in the same way that a rapist dehumanises a victim. I know that sounds like really strong language but this is actually what's happened. This is why you are so upset and confused.

This isn't a normal man who is just a bit lazy in bed. This isn't a normal man who is just a bit selfish in bed. He was positioning you as though you were a plastic doll. At that point you didn't exist for him as a woman. You were an object

I'm really sorry to talk so harshly to you but it's really important you understand what happened and don't go back to him.

There is no way he was doing anything to impress you or to give you a good time. All you existed for, just like the plastic doll, was to be receptacle, so that he could do whatever he wanted.

I think men like this are dangerous. I don't mean they're going to jump out at you from down and Alley or anything like that, but they will absolutely fuck with your mind.

I think it's really really important that you end it with him and tell him why but put it in message form rather than speaking to him. On no account would I see him face-to-face. If he has your keys, then get the locks changed. If you have any of his things then post them back to him.

Don't fuck this man again. Don't send him a gentle winky text or try and change him. He is old enough to know that is not acceptable sexual behaviour, banging away for hours and putting your partner in all sorts of positions without being sure they're really into it which he wasnt because it was the first time. Then 'I'll leave you alone tonight' like he's some big stud animal? Dickhead. This is one of the threads I've read that's made me want to grab the OP the most and persuade them to end their relationship. I really feel that if you broach this he may react badly and put it on you so I would let him know that you don't want to see him again due to his selfish sexual behaviour making you extremely uncomfortable. I've had enough crap short flings with men who have turned out to be idiots just to walk away. You sound gentle and sweet and need someone who won't take advantage of that. Honestly, the right man won't leave you feeling like this.

And yes, as above I meant to say this isn't a normal slightly awkward or lacklustre first time. He was totally out of order and didn't give a shit about you.