It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

Aha I agree. It's only been a few days when I originally posted in which I didn't have intention to end it, but to improve communication.

I haven't seen him since and txts have been very limited to ponder over what to do. The messages on here have been insightful, opening my eyes to things I might have missed. I have been agreeing with a lot of the posters in which says it all really..

Says what though? Why are you expending so much pondering and thinking time on what is clearly the wrong relationship for you? There’s really no point in asking for advice if hundreds of women are telling you the same thing, but you’re still trying to find another angle. If you want to stay with this man, just go ahead and stop talking about it. We’ll see you back in a few months when it’s all gone to shit.

I mean, they might have premature ejaculation or not last as long without coming the first time, (IDK how this relates to OP's issue at all) but then it gets it out of their system so they can go for longer next time round. I think this is a problem /technique for relatively younger guys though- after a certain age the average guy wouldn't have it in him.

Believe me, having a bloke come too fast is annoying as well.

I would much much much prefer a two minute wonder over someone who abrades me and gives me cystitis. PIV does nothing for me but make me ill.

As Elvis said "a little less conversation, a little more action!".

Look - totally up to you what to do. But it seems to a few pp's that you're either not listening or enjoy the drama. As I think I said a couple of pages back, it's totally down to you.

We've all tried to improve communication with men, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... but one thing I have learned from communication with men, especially those with issues, is that, there's no magic wand or quick fix for problems. There are no men on white horses to save us! And sometimes we really are blind to the issues and the men, due to lust/chemistry/likability etc!

@PinkPanther98 I’ve been following along out of curiosity, but - genuinely - felt unable to lurk any longer. Please stop making excuses for this guy.

I’ve been married for nearly 16 years now and it isn’t normal for a bloke to pound away for hours without ejaculating or stopping. If my DH goes on for longer than, say, ten minutes, it’s because he’s too stressed to ejaculate. At this point, he either decides he’s tired and it’s not happening (he’s less gym athletic than your guy).

Or, alternatively, I decide it’s not happening. As I’m highly likely to be autistic (I have two autistic DS), I don’t beat about the bush. I literally say something like, “this isn’t happening, is it? I’m getting sore. Should we stop now? Are you stressed/okay/sick?”

There is no way on this good Earth that I would let a guy carry out a full cardiovascular workout on me for hours where, never mind friction burns, I got an actual UTI afterwards. What was this dude doing during his multi-hour gym routine? It certainly wasn’t staring lovingly into your eyes to note your intensity of passion.

As I say, I have an inappropriately neurodivergent sense-of-humour and, if it was me, I’d have unable to resist piping up with, “Are you quite finished? Should I bring a book?” One of my DM’s work colleagues apparently did used to read a book during sex (this was a few decades ago now when women’s sexual pleasure was less expected) but, as we’re in the modern era, I’d have opted for a tablet instead and used the opportunity to catch up with a multi-part series on Netflix…

Oh yeah, and the ‘bringing an overnight bag’ and ‘ignoring his kids over half term’ is a combination of super-creepy and super-bad news. Good men don’t move in with you (even temporarily) without asking, and good dads like kids.

Heck , harsh again. If she was having difficulties in assessing how she felt about the potentially coercive sex then she is hardly going to snap into instant action in her own defence .
She has had a complete turn around in a few days during which she hasn't seen him . She is a cerebral, sensitive woman finding her way and she is definitely listening to advice.

@Londonwriter he got her to do all the work, so I don't suppose she'd have been able to focus on much else during her hours long workout, especially as he kept on repositioning her for better viewing...

I read your OP a few days ago and I have to say it made me feel both ill and angry on your behalf. You've had a really bad time with this guy, please don't beat yourself up for going along with it because he completely wrong-footed you with his 'gentleman' act. I hope you are being kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

It's absolutely your call but I for one would be so delighted if you sent him a message to tell him you will not be seeing him again and to tell him exactly why: that he is completely useless in bed. This is the thing that idiots like him just can't bear to hear. They like to think they are sex gods but the fact is they are crap at it.

I feel disturbed by OP’s responses too. I hope she gets therapy for her issues which include dissociation and detachment from her own experience as well as poor boundaries and an inability to recognize danger.

It seems as if he's cooling things off of his own accord anyway, OP, if he hasn't really been texting you as before or making plans to see you.

Some men see sex as the end goal, so now he's had that he might be done with you.
It would be no bad thing, if so.

Agree, very disturbing after all the advice given here.

If I ever have sex again, I'm stealing your tactics.

I dated a bloke whose wife, when they were still together, would say 'hurry up, I want to get to Woolworths before they shut.' He never lasted more than a few minutes anyway.

OP: I'm kind of intrigued over these positions that your bf wants that are such hard work for you but not for him?

I can see if you're on top, but it sounds like more than just that. I'm clearly very dull with the sex I have as it's either on top, missionary or doggy - mainly missionary- with subtle variants on these... oh and there's easy slow sex with both lying down next to each other, but we can never properly "getting going" in that position.

I don't really understand the appeal of getting into awkward contorted positions - it massively takes away from the pleasure!

Communication, communication and more communication.
Have a chat outside the bedroom. If the relationship is good. Talk of it is worth saving. If he is imature then you got a good clear understanding of what's life would be like intimacy wise.

@porridgeisbae I have had a terrible day today. I've come upstairs to lie on my bed and scroll through mumsnet to get away from everything and reading your post has made me laugh out loud, so thank you!

I've been sat on this and I still feel super uncomfortable about it all.

Poor communication on my side or not, going to pound town for hours feels disrespectful and I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave. He tried to get as much as he could from it, and if I didn't eventually put a stop to it, I reckon he would have gone on all night. Clearly there wasn't much regard for my feelings in this.

So I'm taking the advice of the many many women on here and will send him a text. This is not what I am looking for in a partner.

Shagging all night- I would never bother for that long but some see it as goals.

Definitely bin him though OP. Well done for deciding.

Please report back when you've done it.

I wonder if you are in some ways vulnerable, op?
I feel like you have been targeted by a predator.
You shouldn't let him ever get back in your home.
I hope you have someone in real life that can help you stand up to him, if necessary?

Jesus.
No.
OP knows what he’s like intimacy wise.

Well done OP.

I would keep the text simple then block so you can’t get some repulsive reply back.

He’ll likely be expecting it. I wouldn’t bother trying to explain. He knows full well.
💐x

I've always been a passive person , and setting boundaries is new to me (I can only think it is partly to do with my upbringing). I don't know why I seem to put the feelings of others over my own, but I'm determined to take something from this in being stronger to implement what I need.

Great, so have you sent the text?