It's all good... until we go up to bed!

[PinkPanther98]

Hello all,

This is an intimate one but I'm looking for advice on the best way to approach this!

I'm in a new relationship. Mostly he's a gentleman, but the other night when we “went to bed” I really felt used.. what he expected, and for how long for (it was literally hours)!

I really struggle in the moment how to be like hurry the f up 😂 That on top of him wanting me to do most of the work, it got to the point where it wasn't enjoyable for me.

He got the idea how the next night he promised to leave me alone. But I don't want it to have to be all or nothing.

I know he's probably just a man trying to make the most of it, but I feel it's actually taking the mick of how excessive it is not respecting my time or body.

The other thing is now it made me feel.. putting me in “pornstar poses” which I just feel so exposed, and simply doing things I don't like. I guess I like things a certain way but I just ran with it…partly because I don't know how to communicate it, and also don't want to be deemed as lazy/boring/one sided !

I think it wouldn't have been as bad if again he didn't expect it for so long.. then I wouldn't have minded too much to do what he likes to please him for a bit. I like being treated like a lady and I really didn't feel like one! I would go as far as to say I feel a bit violated but that's on me for being at a lost on what to say 😬 please help!

I have found myself at the point of avoiding starting anything to not be put in this position again. It's a shame when outside of sex, we seem to have a good relationship on the whole.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and your advice will be appreciated 😊 x

The more you post about him, the more my stomach turns.

You’re 25, please don’t waste another second of your youth on a man who regards you as nothing more than a series of holes.

Right, so what I'm getting from what you say is that you think by discussion you can magically turn him into the lover you want, and get him to respect you. Sorry to say he's so far removed from reality that I really doubt any discussion is warrented here. It's a newish relationship, he's trampled boundaries from the start, so just dump him. You can just say its not for you, and you can do it in a text. Enough of the ' I'll talk to him', stuff that, he's a creep, end of!

It's a Sat eve / night, why isn't he seeing YOU tonight ?

Who is he seeing tonight ?

Didn''t you have work on Thurs / Fri ? / didn't he have work on Thurs / Fri ?

Had his bag ready in the car did he !

Thank you for this. Brought a tear to my eye. It is confusing because you're thinking you're supposed to like this, almost tricking your own mind. And you do you start to resent them but also yourself for allowing it to happen.

I'm ready to say no and set those boundaries.. again it's how I say it. It's something that I admit is new to me.

Yeah just because I'm younger doesn't mean we're much different!

You need the get rid straight away OP.

Not in person, with a short text.
‘This isn’t going to work out for me. I wish you well.’ Then block. He will know why. No need to explain. You don’t owe him niceness or a face to face meeting.

To summarise, he charmed you and then got you into bed and was vile. Shocked and vulnerable with a man you don’t really know, you froze and went with it. He invited himself to stay with you for days.

He’s truly appalling OP.
Please cut him out of your life. If there’s any possibility he has a key to your place get the lock changed.

I’m sorry this happened. Do not give him the possibility of doing it again.

💐

He's got his kids tonight, probs only reason why he's not here!

He took the time off work. I work part time so I was free too.

The bag thing got me too!

I'm with the others, please dump him. I wouldn't see him again in person. I think this one deserves a text dump. I'd be quite clear with him, so he knows there's no talking you round. "I've decided to end things between us. We're not sexually compatible. Good luck in all your future endeavours", and BLOCK.

Hello lovely. This was a brave post and I think it probably resonates with a lot of women who are pleasers.
I read your post and went...yep...yep...done that, been there,,,,But I am older and wiser and feel able to say to you that this is allowing yourself to be used and abused and disrespected.
My god how i have hated the Pornstar poses that men have come to expect from watching porn.
Why are we women so scared of hurting mens sexual ego telling them they are getting it so wrong?
Take back your dignity, OWN your own body and tell him you dont like his brand of intimacy, dont be afraid to tell him you felt humiliated by his demands and thats its not your flavour,if he doesnt like it move along.

I think I can guess why he's separated.

Also he's punching above his weight with a 25 yr old (as a mid 30s man with kids).

You don't have to put up with either the terrible sex or the baggage at 25.

ffs ! he has children as well !!!

do you really need that added bonus to your relationship ?!!! at 25 !!!

Course he's older and has kids 🙄 You sound quite vulnerable to me too OP, he has probably noticed this too hence the boundary stomping he's currently doing (booking days off, overnight bag, the behaviour in bed).
Please, do not see him again. Your future will be miserable with this man in it. I am 100% guaranteeing that.

That's the thing I question if he knows. A few comments makes me think he does, but we haven't had that open convo yet.

You summarised pretty well tbh! Thankfully no key!

I'm wary it will happen again and that's why I thought being honest with him would change that. Of course finishing things before we get too deep would guarantee that 😬

Aside from the objectifying, porn sick, possibly Viagra fuelled, shit sex ..... If the relationship got serious, you're automatically a step mother - which is haaard, and any kids you have with him get a reduced pot of resources cause he's already paying for kids from a previous relationship (and child maintenance is the tip of the iceberg).

Why take all that on and have less money for your kids/family when you could find a guy closer to your age without kids

Young (green) women think separated/divorced men with kids are equally valid to men who aren't; it's a total fallacy. It's ok/equal if you also have kids from a previous relationship; if not, it's a shitty deal for you and any kids.

@PinkPanther98 in any of the time was he actually focused on your pleasure at all or just going at it to try and get himself off? I can’t believe he was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn’t read your body language. Honestly it doesn’t sound good and I don’t think it will get better, he’s already put you in a position where you feel uncomfortable. I have had times where I have been doing stuff for hours and the time flew by because he was focused on my pleasure and mine on his and didn’t want it to stop, however I get the feeling he couldn’t give two shits about your pleasure and feelings.

I think as soon as I mention the sexual compatibility, he will know. I started this post just trying to make him aware to change things in future and surprised at how many say to end it. I can see why, I have always tried to work on things first.. but perhaps this is where I am going wrong!

Yeah if he could read my body language, he didn't adhere to it 😕 just felt like it was a mission to go on as long as he could. I don't get why he would think women would like this, if he had any consideration at all.

Looking back, it wasn't about my pleasure at all. "you do it babe" means I was doing it and not getting anything from it!

They had been married a long time, so I'm still wondering what really happened! He said she was controlling, but I've got nothing to go on whether it's true or not.

That's why I thought he was pushing his luck (& boundaries) in the bedroom with the mindset of being with a 25yr old 🙄

I'm wary it will happen again and that's why I thought being honest with him would change that.

It will change nothing. He knows what he is and what he did. He liked it. He liked doing that to you and -this is the bit that you need to admit to yourself - he liked that you didn't like it. He even told you so when he so graciously gave you a night off. This is who he truly is.

You are a nice person who thinks that if you could only explain it all to him he would have a revelation and be a changed and contrite man for the rest of his life.

If you do your careful (and no doubt kind, thoughtful and encouraging his good points) explanation and end up staying with him, he will simply resume boiling the frog more slowly this time. You will enter a cycle where he will act the perfect boyfriend for a while, and then he will start putting pressure on you sexually again and you will feel guilty and be so desperate to get back to the perfect boyfriend thing you will go along with it. Because that is who he is. He has SHOWN you who he is and you are not listening.

Gosh it seems to be sounding worse the more I go on 😬

I didn't seem to mind the kids part but sometimes I think I'm too understanding.. like we all have a life before a new relationship and (perhaps naively) thinking that makes you more mature !

OP there is nothing for you in this relationship. Don’t waste your time trying to ‘fix’ him. He 100% knows the sex was not what you wanted and that you didn’t enjoy it.

Every minute spent with him is another minute where you aren’t free to find someone who loves and respects you.
💐

So this. Get out now. Don't do what I did and marry him. I never knew any different and thought it was normal.

Kindly OP, where you’re going wrong in this case is thinking that there is a relationship and a future here. There isn’t. He has no intentions of that, regardless of what he may claim in order to get you into bed. As most people have pointed out, he is just using you.

You’re wondering why he thinks women like this. He knows damn well women don’t like this. He doesn’t care. He’s just looking for someone that will tolerate being dehumanized for his gratification. Currently it’s you. Next it will be someone else. The actual person doesn’t matter to him. He only cares about fulfilling his own sexual wants.

You’re also thinking he was deliberately prolonging things. In all likelihood he isn’t capable of ejaculating in a reasonable amount of time anymore. When men spend too much time wanking, they actually desensitize their penises and make it harder for themselves to finish.

You are coming across as far too emotionally invested already when everything you describe sounds like a man having a casual post-divorce fling to boost his ego. That’s why everyone is saying to protect yourself and block him.

Send him a text saying I'm afraid I don't want to see you anymore. Please don't try to contact me. Just a hint, next time you are in bed with a woman try thinking about what she might want rather than treating her like a blowup doll that you can move into any position you want. It might be a good idea to give up the porn too.

he is nasty, honestly, really really nasty.

Sex can go on for a long time, but really, its only when both people are really into it and really both getting pleasure from it. And it tends to be several shots, not some old boy banging away in his own private fantasy, with no thought as to who he is banging.

The best sex is not like that at all. The best sex, the 'cant keep your hands off each other' sex is slow exploratory sex. With kissing. And touching. And discovering what feels good. Getting all the nerves tingling. Discovering erogenous zones in places youd never expect. And moments of speed, but because you both want or need it. And you cant keep your hands off each other and spend weekends in bed, because its so damn good for both of you.

This was so far from that. Your body knows, your body has told you the truth, and trust that voice, because that voice is telling you that yes, he did use you. And whatever reasons he might give, none of them excuse that. He had no right to treat you that way, and no right to barely give a nod to how you felt. If he doesnt know then its not your job to teach him or tell him, and if he did, well then he is just a pig.

Cracking!