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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

349 replies

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 12:55

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

OP posts:
polkadot24 · 16/02/2024 13:25

It sounds like he's not centre of attention and thrown his toys out of the pram because he can't control you. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

You need to focus on you and your family atm, I hope your dad gets better. Take care of yourself..

LightSwerve · 16/02/2024 13:27

He's an absolute 100% shit.

I know it is hard but let him go and never take him back.

Focus on your dad and yourself Flowers

PutMyFootIn · 16/02/2024 13:29

It's really sad that you can't count on him when your going through a tough time. Really, what's the point in having a " loved one", if they don't actually love you?

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2024 13:30

Focus on your dad and your family.

I've been there. It's hard and you need all your strength for this.

Whatever his reasons, he's free to make that choice. At least now you know he's not someone you can rely on in times of need.

Datafan55 · 16/02/2024 13:32

Really shitty timing.... Do your best to 'park it' so you can focus on your dad.

Climbingwallsnotmountains · 16/02/2024 13:38

Whatever his reasons, he's free to make that choice. At least now you know he's not someone you can rely on in times of need.
This. It's appalling timing and doesn't say much for his character but you can't make people behave decently. They either want to or they don't.
You'll be grieving for your dad soon (and I'm really sorry, that's crap at any time) so maybe see it as an opportunity to grieve for your lost relationship too; kick him into touch and focus on your family. Better to have one huge lot of grief now than to be making steps through losing your dad and then be flung back to the start because of a useless man. And with any luck you'll not notice the loss of boyfriend so much because you'll be rightly focused on your dad.

Cafuddle · 16/02/2024 13:47

I would block him for now. Concentrate on your Dad. Have you got a friend you could talk to? He is showing you he can’t cope in a crisis. You probably normally put him first? He is not liking the change in dynamic. He knows he will have to support you. I think sadly he is showing you his true colours at a really sad time for you. Lean on those that care for you. Sending love.

Gloriosaford · 16/02/2024 13:51

I'm so sorry this is awful for you 😔
Please please block him and drop him, he's spineless reprehensible a spoiled selfish brat of a person. Please don't let him lovebomb his way back into your life.

BranchGold · 16/02/2024 13:54

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I’d find his behaviour truly unforgivable. That he wants to make this exact moment in your life all about him.

You deserve a much better man, don’t listen to any of his backtracking.

Andthereyougo · 16/02/2024 13:57

He’s a spineless, self centred shit. It’s harsh, but better to see the true him now rather than wasting more time on him.
I’m sorry about your dad, lean on the rest of your family and help each other along.

Gloriosaford · 16/02/2024 14:00

OP,
This person views you as a resource and he thinks he can treat you just he pleases. He knows that you are a kind giving person & he feels entitled to get those benefits from you but give nothing in return.
Kicking you while you are down like this is designed to break you down so that you are easier to pick up again when he wants to benefit from the things that you offered before.
He will know that you will be vulnerable for a while because of what's happening and he will likely do everything he can to exploit this vulnerability, he won't want to waste the time and effort that he has invested in you if he thinks he can get more out of you.
Don't let him back.

Spencer0220 · 16/02/2024 14:01

Once everything at the hospital is over,

Leave him. Don't let him come crawling back.

If he can't be with you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best.

I wish you and your family all the best xx

Fannyfiggs · 16/02/2024 14:05

Wow, what a king.

Block him and don't look back.

I know it's not as easy as that but you must. He's not a good person and as a PP said he's not pleased because he's not the centre of attention.

Block online and in real life.

AdoraBell · 16/02/2024 14:08

Well it’s good that he’s shown his true colours now and not in 20 years.

I’m sorry about your dad’s illness. As pp said, lean on your family right now and then block the waste of space.

ClawedButler · 16/02/2024 14:09

Well the trash took itself out there, didn't it.

Focus on yourself and your family now. You don't need this man child hanging about and making you feel worse. And I suspect he's messaging in a desperate attempt to not be "the bad guy", not because he's suddenly worked out how to be a half-decent human being.

Like you said, you're not kids. If you were teenagers, fair enough. But long-term partner in your 30s behaving as if he WAS a teenager - you just don't need it, do you.

Flowers for you, it must be so tough.

Dontbeme · 16/02/2024 14:12

OP can you stay with family, or can a friend stay at yours overnight so you're not alone if that call comes during the night? I have done this for a friend and would do it again, I wouldn't want anyone to be alone in these circumstances. Sending love to you and your family.

As for this bloke, block and don't look back, he's not the one for you.

Catlord · 16/02/2024 14:27

Christ, he's shown his colours hasn't he. However, as a PP says , I think it's actually doing you a favour to get this out of the way now rather than have the expectation of his support in your grief and suddenly lose it. I think he did the right thing not spending the night but he could have come over for support as a friend after you'd been there for him so much in similar circumstances.

I would block him. I don't think there's anything left to say. Yes he has every right to end the relationship but my goodness, the timing. And he's still messaging you. Wow.

Picklestop · 16/02/2024 14:28

It hurts now but in time you will be relieved that he revealed his true colours when he did. If he doesn’t have your back now he never will. Focus on your family now.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 14:51

Thanks for the well wishes for my family, things are looking a little more hopeful today but we have no idea what's ahead.

I think he is playing the 'good guy' today, saying he's there as a friend. I've blocked his number and he sent me an email. Could he not have sucked it up, stayed with me through this and ended it when life was calmer. Maybe that thought is just because of current high emotions.

I have told one friend but I don't have the energy to tell others right now.

OP posts:
DepartureLounge · 16/02/2024 15:01

How awful for you. Concentrate on your dad and your family, and if you possibly can block him out enough that when you look back on this time it's not him and his horrible behaviour that you remember.

Flowers
ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2024 15:11

As shit as it is, you’ve just dodged a bullet 💐

MammaTo · 16/02/2024 15:14

polkadot24 · 16/02/2024 13:25

It sounds like he's not centre of attention and thrown his toys out of the pram because he can't control you. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

You need to focus on you and your family atm, I hope your dad gets better. Take care of yourself..

100% first reply nails it.

InAPickle12345 · 16/02/2024 15:18

What an absolute cunt. No other word for him.

He could have picked any other time to do this, but he picks now. And to end it over the phone when you're with your Dad in the hospital. It just beggars belief.

Please don't ever, ever take this prick back. He's a nasty piece of work that should be completely cut out of your life.

I'm so sorry about your Dad, glad to hear things are looking a bit better today. Be sure to mind yourself, while you're trying to mind everyone else, this much be such a touch time x

Epidote · 16/02/2024 15:27

Agree with PP, your ex boyfriend is a selfish twat that now is not the starter, the main and the desert he need to make it about himself leaving you because is having a bad time.

Grenola · 16/02/2024 15:29

I know it prob doesn’t feel like, but he has done u a favour. He has given you the biggest display of what a shit person he is, showing u why u do not want to be with him. If u are missing him or sad over him, just remember the person he is. U can’t possibly really love someone that would treat u like this.

ive fell out of love before and stuck around because that person needed me. It’s simple, it’s being human and caring for someone close to u.

focus on your dad for now, loving yourself as much as u can. Maybe tell your siblings if u can. Get it out in the open so u can see thier reaction as that will also affirm to u with a shit he is. Cut him off.

im sorry your going thru this now… it will feel u mange same but I promise u that u will get thru this, all of this, x

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