Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

What you're being subjected to is a narcissistic tactic known as hoovering:

https://www.healthline.com/health/hoovering#takeaway

If I was in your position and he threatened suicide to me, I'd tell him to crack on. He'll stop threatening it when he knows it isn't affecting you - he's not genuinely suicidal, he's just manipulative and wants you back in your box, where your function is to service his needs. He's throwing the most emotive thing he can think of at you.

I'm very sorry for your loss op. I'm sorry your ex behaved so appallingly at a time when you needed him most. Stay strong xx

Those links are really helpful, thanks so much 💕

I have to remind myself I am not being unreasonable and if any friend had said that after the death of my loved one, I'd be horrified. I am planning to seek counselling in the near future too!

His antics, selfishness and dramatics are all about him. At a time where you would be expected to be mourning and supporting your mum and others he's making it all about him. If at any point you are tempted to forgive him remind yourself of that.

It can be hard to accept that things are over but you need to remind yourself of just what an arsehole he's being.

Please please do seek counselling. You may be able to access mental health support via your GP, or via Cruse:

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

And there is counselling also available to help move on from a bad relationship

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/when-abusive-relationships-end-a-complex-grief

Thank you @JFDIYOLO for that link.

Today feels pretty sad. My first full day back at work in a while. Bereavement while missing ex is rough, it's hitting me today as while I would be in work I'd normally be hearing from ex. It's like now I have to start getting past the break up as I am no longer in the hospital every day. (Hopefully this makes sense to people, not trying to self pity)

It makes perfect sense.

You need to start building new habits to get over the breakup. If you would normally call him on your break, go for a walk around the block. If you would see him after work, go for a coffee either on your own or with a friend.

But I agree with JFDI, counselling is the way forward for ways to deal with the grief of losing your dad.

Does your employer have an employee assistance programme? If in place, EAPs can offer a lot of support especially with the double whammy of bereavement and the realisation of the truth about your ex.

They offer six counselling sessions @JFDIYOLO. Not sure if it's great but I've applied anyway.

Every little bit of me wants to reach out to him today, to make sense of everything and check he is ok. I'm going to assume this is just part of the recovery and just be kind to myself.

Focus OP - remember what happened when you needed reaching out to and checking you were ok? Remember that?

OP I have a lot of sympathy for you as I was in a very similar situation after the hospitalisation and death of my DM, with a very similar man, (I did comment towards the start of this thread). I completely get the need to reach out and 'make sense' of such appalling behaviour. If we can understand it then maybe we can rationalise it in some way and make it less objectively awful. And your ex (much like my ex) can 100% meet that need and give you reams of reasons to pick over and ponder. Navel gazing is their speciality after all and we're the empathetic, emotional support humans who've always listened, sympathised and generally propped them up. It honestly doesn't occur to them that their abandonment of us means we will stop being that.

I'm two years down the line now and with hindsight - and absolutely zero feelings for him - I can't tell you how much I regret letting him indulge himself in explanations. I feel I betrayed myself by letting him do that, by even having a conversation with him, when breaking up with me when I needed him the most had already told me EVERYTHING about who he is and how little he valued me.

Entertaining the idea that there could be a good reason for it - that maybe there was even a way back for us - was just me showing him how little I valued myself. I learnt the hard way that some people are just selfish and self-centred, no matter how much empathy we show them, that's who they are. Whatever 'the reason' for it, bad childhood, whatever, it doesn't change the objective fact that they're not good for us and any relationship with them will always be completely one-sided. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that @littleburn and I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I'm glad for you that you're now two years past listening to your ex.

I had my first counselling session this evening and he opened my eyes to how awful I have been treated and how my ex clearly has issues that I cannot/should not fix.

Well done OP on taking the first step into counselling ❤

Did this thread disappear and come back or did I imagine it?

Maybe just due to me updating due to the passing of my Dad @Sceptical123. Not sure apart from that

Sorry @LavenderFlowers i must be going a bit mad, was convinced I read this post was closed - I must have crossed threads, so to speak.

Again, I’d like to offer you my sincere condolences at the passing of your dad, I’m so sorry. I hope you are being supported and are as alright as you can be in the circumstances. X

I am glad that the counselling session has helped. If you need further therapy, I understand from posters comments on other threads that you can now self refer through your gp. Or if this guy you’re talking to is really good and you can afford to pay for yourself, it might be a worthwhile investment in your future to continue seeing him, if needed.

I’m pleased it was useful. He is correct and glad u could hear it from a professional you trust.

first step in moving forward for u xx

Good to hear you have a counsellor @LavenderFlowers it’s good to have a third party to talk to. It’s good to have someone uninvolved to talk it all through with.
good luck with the next few weeks and stay strong and get some distance and perspective on the events while your dad was in hospital. A chapter is closed and now the next one begins.

So pleased for you feeling able to take control over what happened to you and to be able to get the professional help and support you need

Hope you're doing ok OP. This thread has been on my mind 💐

Wow I hope the counsellor is helping you understand you deserve so much more. If he does force his way into your presence again and talk stupid shit about ‘me me me throw myself into a river’ you say coldly ‘if you do, I hope the people who love you are lucky enough to be in relationships that will support them through that, I know from very recent experience it’s very difficult to lose a loved one and having had an unsupportive truly god awful partner makes it much harder.’ And leave.

Thanks for checking in.

My head is very up and down. I constantly wonder did I treat him badly/coldly to make him leave me during that time. My counsellor is going to work with me to resolve that (I hope!!).