Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

Really sorry to hear of your update op
As for your ex stay strong hes a selfish idiot and hopefully ashamed of his behaviour

Talking about throwing himself in the river isn’t just throwing a spotlight on his self-absorption at this most difficult time though, it’s also a (veiled?) threat at suicide bc of how this situation has made him feel and putting unforgivable pressure on OP to make him feel better. He deserves to feel guilty, he was an utter arsehole. Does he want you to take him back OP or just tell him he’s not an utter arsehole do you think?

I'm so sorry. All love to you and your family.

He's even making this about him. It's classic narcissist behaviour.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-expect-when-you-break-up-with-a-narcissist

I was thinking he sounds like he has narcissistic traits too. It’s you who has struggled and your Dad who has died but it’s all about him! What a self-absorbed arsehole! Now he has his stuff you don’t ever need to have contact with him again. Please block him on every way possible and ignore anything that can’t be blocked. Any response will only reinforce his behaviour. If you ignore him, he’ll move on to the next woman (victim) quick smart (I was with my XH for 15 years and he moved on within 3 weeks of us splitting). Congratulations on breaking free.

As the bereaved person YOU are the one who is deserving of sympathy. He can't tolerate you being the focus of attention, he is only happy when HE is the focus of attention and so has to portray himself as the victim, the one who deserves sympathy and attention. That's why he follows his impulse to make suicide threats etc.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad @LavenderFlowers . Look after yourself and your family, it sounds like you have good friends around you to support you, it’s a really hard time for you all.

your ex boyfriend: selfish selfish selfish. Unbelievable! You would not believe a person could behave so vilely at such a sad time for you. Pulling all his tricks to make you feel sorry for him! Selfish!!!!!

I can relate to @SammyScrounge and her comments on what a decent human being would do; when my DM died (many years ago) my ex actually came round to the house (admittedly it had been an reasonably amicable "calling it a day") to check up on me , offering sympathy and practical help. When somebody is bereaved, the focus should be on them and their needs.
My sympathies for your loss; I hope that you have true friends and real support around you. It was a harsh way to find out that your BF was such a straw man, but as time passes, I hope you will be able to remember your DF and smile at the happy memories.
Ironically, it may be that, because you were raised by a good, decent parent to be kind and decent yourself, you were too inclined to see the best in somebody else who clearly has less compassion and empathy.

Sorry for your losses @twoshedsjackson @HollyKnight @SammyScrounge 🌷

I went to bed feeling pretty awful about our interaction and wondering if I had been unfair to him. He made me feel unfair and I'm thankful that people on here can balance for that to me.

He asked how I was and then launched into how upset he has been, how he's been worried about me every second, how it was like a 'psychosis' that made him leave me and he wants to throw himself in the river (to be clear I'm not actually worried about this or I would get him help). Anytime he would ask how I had been, he would burst into tears with his feelings before I could even speak

I haven't even met him and I despise him with the whole of my soul. All MEMEMEMEMEME with him, isn't it?

Psychosis in this context,is that a bye word for selfish prick.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad x

Every time you post about your ex, he sounds worse each time. You definitely aren't being too harsh on him - he's selfish to the core.
Honestly the best thing you could do for yourself is cut all contact - don't give him the oxygen of attention.

Seconded

I'm so sorry he's putting you in a bad headspace during this time. Let him go and your Dad would be surely be proud that you are away from this man x

Oh ffs - even your dad's passing - and he is trying to make it all about him and how he feels... This bloke has massive central character syndrome.

I'm so sorry for your loss,

leave this man in your rearview mirror.

I'm so sorry for your loss @LavenderFlowers

Thank you all.

I would love to say I am being strong but the attached parts of me want to reach out to him. No point pretending i'm full of hatred yet. Him having such an upset reaction the other night threw me. (I won't be reaching out, just acknowledging it!)

It's okay to have those feelings OP, he was a big part of your life that is now missing, especially hard when you're grieving.

Luckily, he's shown himself for what he is. When you get those feelings, imagine you hadn't broken up, and so obviously expected some support from him. And then imagine how that would go, based on his track record and that dramatic conversation the other day where he made it all about his feelings. That's all I'm going to say.

It’s a long journey tho, and it’s not just a break up for u it’s grief too and that’s a lot on u to process. So don’t put pressure to feel a certain way yet. U are fully allowed to miss him and feel sorry for him. He’s been the victim all the time so it’s normal to feel pity for him and want to help him.

the only thing u have to do, is remain no contact as much as u can. That way each day u will be a bit ahead x

I am so sorry to read that your dad has now passed.

Your ex really is a piece of work. Please don’t let him reel you back in. You can’t rely on this guy. It’s all about him. He doesn’t know how to love, not properly.

You don’t need to hate him OP.
Indifference is what you’re after.
You’ll get there.
💐

Yeah, seeing him so vulnerable was hard and I have a lot of empathy. But I keep reminding myself he should have been able to control his own emotions enough to help/listen to me.

@LavenderFlowers if this was happening to a friend, would you want her to be with a man like him? Or would you think she deserved so much more in a life partner?
He isnt vulnerable - he isn't the one who has just lost a parent and been abandoned by the person who should have been there to support. The person who was vulnerable and needing support was you. And even now, all he's concerned with is how he is affected. He really is an utterly selfish prick and totally undeserving of any feeling on your part.

It's hard to just stop loving or caring, but every time you feel yourself softening, think about how you would feel or what you would advise, if this was happening to a friend. You really do deserve so much better than him.

I came back to read this tonight hoping you had left him, thank god!!! You and your boys will be so much better off without him. Good for you and keep strong x

It's understandable - your emotions must be so raw right now, plus you've been used to playing the supportive role in the relationship.
Just remember lovely, he's upset for himself, not for you. His behaviour throughout this devastating time for you really has been appalling. I can't get away with 'I still have to go to Prague' being one of his first statements, never mind all of the other unforgivably selfish shit he pulled.
You truly deserve so much better. Look after yourself and your mum, please don't let him take advantage of your grief to snake his way back in x

https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-to-do-if-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

This link may help OP or have a search for yourself. Threatening to self harm/commit suicide when in an argument can be a sign of emotional abuse. He's trying to manipulate you to seeing him as a victim. He probably believes he actually is a victim in this situation but that is not for you to worry about. Be strong