Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

He's just trying to make himself feel better and to make you not think so badly of him. That is why he said to not hate him. It's shitty to say 'just wait there while I sort myself out please'. I think he only wants a partner who fit into his life

He sounds like a headwrecker tbh.

Surely he could have taken a few days off work to support you but he wasn't even willing to do that. Rather than being able to look inwards about what a dick he knew he was being, he decided to blame you because he knows society expects him to do the decent thing at the right time for people he's supposed to love. The circumstances required him to step up and look out for someone other than himself for once. And he's realised he can't do that. Because he hasn't actually got the conscience that moral people have.

He's shown you the relationship has no future because he has no moral fibre whatsoever and only cares about himself.

He's fucking with you now. Do not let him mess with your head with his bullshit.

I would tell him to definitely sort himself out for him and him alone as you don't have the headspace to wait for him to be 'a better person'.

I'm angry on your behalf!!!

He's probably panicking realising what he lost.

It sounds like he's playing the victim. 'Oh my family are like this so I can't help' but if that's the case a responsible adult would go to therapy/sort themselves out. Don't let him back in your mind for even a second. Silence is stronger now.

What a lame excuse for being selfish and not bothering to reciprocate after you helped him with his fathers heart attack, was that it? Sorry while ago since I read it.

I’ve just been reading an article about the high percentage of men who cheat after their wives become mothers. They blame them for prioritising their own children. They are jealous that the focus has been shifted from them and resent their own kids. This is him OP. It sounds like he resents your poor dad for becoming gravely ill for goodness sake! Do you honestly think this idiots behaviour will improve the more pressure and responsibilities are laid on him during the course of your relationship? God forbid you get ill OP bc he will not be putting you first. He will tell you he can’t handle being in a hospital as it brings back painful memories and he needs to look after his mental health and can’t handle seeing you like that bc it makes him feel shit about himself etc. Just don’t even go there.

Please please please save yourself and your future children, if you have any, the heartache and misery this twat will bring. He will not be there for any of you. The only person he will ever really love or care about is himself. Always.

Narrow escape OP, be grateful.

Not saying you’re wrong but he was happy to accept OP’s support when he needed it in a similar situation.

It’s not about him and it sounds like he is trying to make it that way. This situation is about you and your family. He sounds like he needs to be the centre of your focus. Maybe his jealousy stems further. I would run op tbh. Hope you’re doing ok.

I’m sorry about your dad OP 💐.

But honestly, you’ve now seen what OH is like when you need support. If you stay with him he will be the same every time you need him. Don’t try to fix him. He should have been your rock instead he made it all about him.

That you have found out now before moving in together or getting married or having children is a blessing.

LTB and don’t look back.

Focus on family and friends.

He’s made it all about him and how he’s feeling. Astoundingly cheek of the man.
It sounds like his relationship with you is about you being the strong one, at the first sign that you might need a bit of support for once he bailed.
Not worth your effort in trying to make the relationship work, he’ll never be there for you if you need him at anytime in the future.

What a waste of space. How can you ever trust someone like that again? You'd spend the whole time worrying about something going wrong because you know he'll be out of there.

All relationships are easy when things are good, but the true strength of a relationship is in how you handle it when things are bad.

He also said ' I actually do want to sort myself out, and be a better person for me, and for you.' I'm so confused.

"Yes Darren. You can start by leaving me the hell alone and never contacting me again. Now fuck off."

All he cares about is himself. And his thinking process of you wanting him to stop working etc is just weird. Don't take him back as a man like him will run again when life is challenging.
You cannot count on him, relay on him, he doesn't have your back. And those things really matter.

He's shown you who he is.

My god he's exhausting op
Don't give him the head space

@LavenderFlowers

How's your Dad doing now?

you're not going to want to hear this at the moment, but I'll say it anyway.

He's shown you he hasn't got your back. His 'reasons' are just attempted excuses. He's making it your doing (you'd expect him not to work or go to Portugal (?), whatever nonsense he was going on about re family) He can't cope.

you are in a place where you want to accept all this & you you also want to hear his 'in depth' reason. There isn't one, he's just not good enough.

Stop feeling like he's just dumped you & that it's about YOU, it's not, it's about him being inadequate, self centred and a twat (he is even if you can't yet admit it)

I know 2 years feels significant, but out of your lifetime, it's really not.

Dont waste time stuck in this 'working it out' & just move on! It's a big regret of mine not just moving on!!

take care of your Dad, your family and YOU.

move on 💕

Ignore twat ex-boyfriend. If you did get back together it would be mere months before his behaviour was downplayed to Not That Bad and yours upgraded to Actually Quite Unreasonably Demanding. Been there. Don't do it!

My Dad has been transferred hospitals for emergency surgery. He's not yet strong enough for the surgery but they're trying everything possible for him.

My ex texted my Mum a lovely message this morning about how is he thinking of us and asking can he do anything. Felt like quite the head fuck.

Please try not to let this horrible idiot have anymore from you .
Would you have treated him this way ? no is the normal person answer.
He's getting into your head and messing with you .Block him from everything after telling him to stop contacting you or your family .
Fingers crossed for your dad and I hope you and your family find peace in the time you have left together. That's the important thing

He couldn't get to you, so is now trying to manipulate your mother to get at you. Does this make things clearer for you OP, that he is 100% a wankbag and you should not spend a moment more thinking about him, his feelings or what he needs or wants. I am angry for you.

I hope your mum ignored it.

I'd have everyone block him. He's trying to get them on his side like flying monkeys. It's creepy.

Your ex BF is not quite right with his MH, but that is not a cue for you to try to understand and fix him which might be a temptation for some. Hopefully you know that it would be down to him to seek professional help for any chance of improvement.
I'm not quite buying the 'don't have much family so I'm no use and may as well end it excuse' and it's a problem if he acts on stupid ideas in his head without identifying they are stupid and seeking clarification. No matter who you are, unless you are deeply self-serving, you wouldn't dump anyone in those circumstances.
He now doesn't like that he's out of the loop, not being informed, so it's continuing to be about him. To the point he's trying to go through your own mother to get the latest.
Times like these, people offer their support because they care, with the expectation that there won't be any immediate benefit for them. But he jumped to how it would impact on him. Maybe after your family crisis is over, you'll look back on how he's been and you'll see signs that his lovely BF behaviour till now has been transactional and done for his own ends. Now is not the time to have to analyse him, or think of him but he's forcing you to be distracted by is needs. A stern, but polite " don't contact my family or friends for further information at this time please", might be in order, then block his sms, any SM hes on and don't read his rambling emails until you have the headspace for it. He deserves to be out of the loop for the choices he's made.

Reply - 'Mate, when you're in a hole, stop digging. And making it ALL about you, as well.'

He’s a totally self centred nutter! I hope your mum thinks he’s awful.

He's a total head fuck. I'd give him a wide berth. Glad your Dad is over the worst

He has chosen the one time when you need him most, to leave you

No one in the right mind would do something like that to someone, like yourself who is under so much strain with your Fathers' illness.

He's a selfish prick, and if your family are angry when the time comes for them to find out what he has done then I don't blame them.

You need to be the strong one, OP. Not making excuses as he may be getting triggered but that is no excuse.