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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

349 replies

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 12:55

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

OP posts:
LouOver · 16/02/2024 20:31

Throw him back OP he's shown exactly who he is.

Wishing the best for your family and that your dad continues to improve. Don't let your scum of an ex use that as an excuse of 'see its all ok'.

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 21:10

Amazingly we've been sent home to rest for the night as my Dad is stable. He's still in critical care but we at least have a moment to breathe after the past few days.

Ex boyfriends blocked emails just seem to move to my spam folder and I occasionally need to check that (as it's also my work email). I should have deleted them without reading but of course I didn't. He said he's going to explain things better when everything calms down.

The shock of the past few days has me emotionally warn out I think. I can't bring myself to hate him (yet).

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 16/02/2024 21:30

I’m glad your dad is doing ok and you’ve been sent to rest. If you’ve anything like a nytol or nightnurse perhaps consider taking it so your head can stop thinking.

He’s so full of himself. You don’t need his crappy explanation. He massively let you down when you needed him. That’s all there is to it. Nothing else he has to say matters. He’s a disgrace.

My dad was in hospital for weeks before he died, and we were called in the night quite a few times. My husband insisted on being there every time. He sat with me and my dad for days when he was put on end of life care. And I’ll adore him forever because of it. That’s what you deserve. That’s what someone that loves you and cares for you does.

JCLV · 16/02/2024 21:33

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 21:10

Amazingly we've been sent home to rest for the night as my Dad is stable. He's still in critical care but we at least have a moment to breathe after the past few days.

Ex boyfriends blocked emails just seem to move to my spam folder and I occasionally need to check that (as it's also my work email). I should have deleted them without reading but of course I didn't. He said he's going to explain things better when everything calms down.

The shock of the past few days has me emotionally warn out I think. I can't bring myself to hate him (yet).

He sounds immature. He’s not been there for you even though you were for him. He won’t ever change. You be are better off without him. Well done for blocking him.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 16/02/2024 22:00

He’ll explain things? There’s really no excuse or explanation. The only positive is that you may have the opportunity to dump his sorry arse! You know you said about timing, couldn’t he wait? I reckon he panicked. He thought if he didn’t do it now, he’d be trapped, because he wouldn’t feel comfortable breaking up with you if your Dad had passed away and he’d have to wait. Either way, he’s a knob!
I’m glad your Dad has stabilised. This period is so tough, (been there, got the t-shirt). I hope you get some more sleep tonight 💐

pixiesaresmall · 16/02/2024 22:02

I'd see this as a gift from your dad. Helping you see what's not for you.
Have a really good rest and don't listen to your ex flip flopping between it's over to I'll talk to you.
Get a nice sleep OP x

crumpet · 16/02/2024 22:05

LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 21:10

Amazingly we've been sent home to rest for the night as my Dad is stable. He's still in critical care but we at least have a moment to breathe after the past few days.

Ex boyfriends blocked emails just seem to move to my spam folder and I occasionally need to check that (as it's also my work email). I should have deleted them without reading but of course I didn't. He said he's going to explain things better when everything calms down.

The shock of the past few days has me emotionally warn out I think. I can't bring myself to hate him (yet).

You don’t need to hate him. You don’t need to waste any energy doing that. Just note what he has done, how he has behaved and move on from there.

you don’t need to hear any explanation from him. His reasons are not relevant

Notonthestairs · 16/02/2024 22:10

What you need to take from this is that at a time of crisis he'll put himself first.

A good relationship is the same as a good friendship - you know when to give and when to take. Sometimes your own worries needs to come second, know that there will be space for them eventually.

Get some rest & then just focus on the people closest to you Flowers

Notonthestairs · 16/02/2024 22:11

Sorry that wasn't very clear - he should know that his worries come second to yours right now. x

Original poster
LavenderFlowers · 16/02/2024 22:50

I just want to say Mumsnet has really managed to make a bad day a little brighter. Thank you for the loveliness.

Telling strangers on the internet felt less scary than having to tell my loved ones (for now).

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 16/02/2024 23:24

There's no good explanation; it's all about him, in reality.

Opentooffers · 16/02/2024 23:44

Good for him that he will explain. I don't think it's necessary for you to hear him out, and to do so would be risking him just saying a load of stuff that he doesn't like about you, so he can get things off his chest and feel better at your expense.
You don't need to hear his excuses, you've enough on your plate. All you need to know is that when the chips were down, he shipped out. Whatever his excuses, it shows this was never going to be a serious fundamental long-term deep relationship, so just best to draw a line.
Situations like this on life are good for showing us who around us are there for us, he's not, never would of been, your dear DF has helped you find this out sooner about him, but it would have always been there.
Keep him blocked on everything, never reply - will annoy him more, and is what he deserves.

Northernsouloldies · 16/02/2024 23:51

Glad to hear your dad has stabilised, now for boyo he's shown you his true colours in times of crisis you support your partner to the hilt this is not a man you could ever depend on.... Get rid.

Lighteningstrikes · 16/02/2024 23:56

Don’t let him try and explain himself to you. Nothing will justify his disgusting behaviour.

It would only serve to make him feel better about being a first class cu*t and for you it be more hurt and adding insult to injury.

adultingforever · 17/02/2024 00:51

He may try to explain, but he cannot justify his behaviour

herbygarden · 17/02/2024 01:52

Really glad your Dad has improved, everything crossed. So sorry about your boyfriend, I don't think I could come back from this. When you needed him the most he added to your stress and sadness. Sorry OP :(

Fetaa · 17/02/2024 02:06

Poor dad and poor you!

It’s very telling that he was cold just when you needed him to step up. At least you know now, it’s better then finding out further down the line.

coxesorangepippin · 17/02/2024 02:11

Explain what??

He's shown his true colors

Actions speak louder than words

coxesorangepippin · 17/02/2024 02:17

He'll try to crawl back and explain his childish actions

You'll call him out on it

He'll say you're being cold and unkind, why are you being so horrible??

You say to him 'don't you have to leave for Prague??'

And see the back of him

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 17/02/2024 10:57

Intended to only comment on your dad and to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through as the other posters have said everything else I would have.

However, I know you're worn out and emotional but please find your anger. I'm getting a small sense you want to hear him out and let him make excuses for his appalling and unforgivable behaviour.

There are times I've wanted to kill my STBXH. His family have been plagued with illness but I can always always find time for kindness and empathy in those moments.

Don't engage with him at all. He's a piece of shit.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Catlord · 17/02/2024 14:19

When what calms down?! The upset he has caused or sorry to say it but if your dad no longer requires your support? I would reply once, to say 'please stop contacting me. I have blocked you elsewhere as I no longer wish to hear from you. I respect your decision to end the relationship and would like to leave things here. Kindly respect my wishes in return and leave me alone now. No further explanation is required'.

There is no excuse. As I say, if he needed to end the relationship he should have done it decisively and cleanly then either left you alone or agreed immediately to be there as a friend with clear boundaries. Not this.

Can the friend you have told let anyone else know so you have a bit more support without having to have the same conversation?

PurpleBugz · 17/02/2024 14:29

He's selfish. You are better off without him. I would bet he will come crawling back once you get yourself together again. My ex fucked off when I was unwell and needed support now he thinks he can come swanning back in as I have time to give him again. Jog on mate. Relationships should be give and take some men just want to take

catlovingdoctor · 17/02/2024 14:30

"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them".

I'm sorry 🙁

mamacorn1 · 17/02/2024 14:36

Bag up his stuff and block his number. Let his family members collect his stuff or drop it at theirs. Then Focus on
your father OP , you can grieve for the relationship later. Sadly you have found out the true nature of your boyfriend at your most vulnerable time, but often this is the case unfortunately.
sending you hugs OP.

Olika · 17/02/2024 14:56

I am glad to hear your dad is stable. Regarding your ex bf just keep ignoring him. You don't do anything with a man like him. I wouldn't be interested in his explanations now or later as he chose to run away the first moment life is challenging and he is not the centre of your attention.

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