Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm sorry OP, that is awful . But he was going to pull this shit the first time things got tough, and now you know that and as painful as it is, better now than later.

You're at such a time of high emotion, it's probably hard to process everything. Is he still attempting to contact you? You'll be tempted to believe his words, but they're just words

I’m very sorry OP. This man only loves himself and he’s shown himself to be the selfish arsehole he always was. Thank goodness you’re not married or have kids. Imagine how he’d deal with any serious crisis- presumably in a similar fashion by leaving you to deal with it on your own.

This is a lucky escape. It’s crap timing but it’s shown he is not the man for you. Don’t have him back or he will hurt you again, probably worse further down the road. God forbid you face a bereavement, but he would not be sticking around for any of that unpleasantness, you can count on it. You’d be facing the loss of a loved one and him suddenly walking out on you as well. Don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you more.

You’ve shown him you were there for him when he needed you, he’s not done the same, so ditch him. Pack his bags and show him the door. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a horrible time and this loser has made it all the worse for you. But don’t add to that yourself by allowing him to be even more damaging to you in the future. He’s emotionally immature, self absorbed and cold. You deserve better x

Apologies for delay replying. Things are much brighter in the hospital now, they've reduced the life support and we can all relax a little now 💖

@ChimneySweepLiverpool we last spoke on Wednesday. He said he was sending me an email that would explain his feelings in a way that I would understand, but he was finding it hard to write. That never arrived! He's asking for hospital updates too, but I'm not replying.

I'm feeling pretty sensitive today, think I'm just processing the shock of last week and I'm trying to focus on all the positives 🌺

What a dick. I mean most people would be there for anyone let alone a partner

My work colleague drove me home when I found out a relative had died, arranged for my car to be dropped back, made me a cup of tea, did a flower delivery and even offered to drive me to the funeral. It's basic kindness

I’m glad to hear that update about your dad, I imagine u will be processing all of that for a while bless u x

He's a human being, and what's happening in your life is too much for him to handle..especially since things may be happening in his life too. He has to ultimately focus on his own mental health and over all well being ..especially if he is currently or has dealt with depression in the past..he doesn't want to spiral or be dragged down, especially if things are going well in his life.

His feelings are valid. Ending a relationship is valid...it doesn't matter the "timing". Him venting to his friends is valid. He has been there for you the best to his abilities and capabilities..currently.

I know that you're going through a lot, but it is unfair of you to not consider his feelings and mental health. I know that you vent often to him, but often people don't want to hear about depressing things...especially if these things are brought up frequently.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well in your life. He isn't crappy just because he can't deal, and perhaps he is also thinking of you, and may have decided it would be best for you to focus on your family.

You can't frequently trauma dump, expect someone to experience the same emotions as you, rely on them emotionally, and then get angry when they act coldly and distance themselves from you because they can't cope.. It won't produce a good outcome.

If you need to vent, perhaps enrolling in a support group, and therapy would be beneficial and helpful.

The relationship ending was for the best, even if you can't see it right now.

To be clear I never vented to him, he was with me when I got the call and he drove me to the hospital. Yes, I cried (as anyone would) but I didn't vent. He has no history of depression or issues so I'm not sure why that has been mentioned. I have never 'trauma dumped' to anyone.

I work in the mental health services and have a good understanding of mental health issues and am really thrown by this comment. I have been there for him through many things and this is the first time in our relationship I have been upset over a life issue with him (apart from an occasional bad day at work over a glass of wine).

Ummm, you did read that the OPs dad is in hospital and he was so seriously ill at one point that the family were called up to say goodbye?

I don't think OP really needs to think about how her bf feels, she has enough on her plate and he should have been there for her as she was for him.

However I do agree with you that this break up is for the best even though it's not the best timing.

OP I'm pleased to hear that your dad is doing better. Try not to let posters upset you, there's always going to be one.

Blimey!

She thought her father was dying

If you can't rely on your partner to support you in those circumstances then when would you be able to rely on them?

?? She supported him through his dad's heart attack and recovery. He could have at least done this decently.

I assumed that poster was a friend of the OP's exboyfriend or the ex himself.

@TheRealKatnissEverdeen agreed

I think the above commenter has made similar posts on other threads too. Some people just want to be controversial.

Hope you're doing OK OP. You'll find someone lovely in time but I bet he's going to try come back first. Don't let him

Help me channel all of your anger PP's and tell me how to stop caring about him.

Now that things have calmed in hospital a little, I'm finding myself wondering about him.

I've read through our messages from last week when he ended it to try make myself think 'what a twat'.

Give yourself time. When XH and I split, I started writing a list of all the awful things he said and did..I got to over 60! You won’t flip straight to rage. That’s okay. You’re conserving some energy for the family stuff you’re dealing with. Just keep saying ‘He’s a twat’ until you fully embrace it!

If you forgive this be prepared for him to let you down again and he will of that you can be certain.

He won’t write to you, because there simply aren’t any excuses that can justify his appalling behaviour.

I know it’s hard and you have to do things in your own time, but the sooner you can bring yourself to completely cut yourself off from this arsehole of a man, and stop putting yourself through this, the sooner you will begin to heal.

I was sort of saying the same thing although hopefully more tactfully and without putting any blame on the OP! My point was that the timing was terrible but if the boyfriend had genuinely come to the realisation that he didn't want to be in a relationship with the OP then I don't think it would be possible or fair of him to pretend to the OP that he was being a supportive boyfriend while knowing it wasn't genuine. Anything he said or did would be a lie. I don't think it would be ok if, for example, he shared a bed with the OP whilst knowing he was going to break up with her.

I doubt the boyfriend suddenly thought about breaking up with the OP the day he broke up with her. He has probably been thinking about it for a little while.

I have not said this to be controversial. If I were the OP I would naturally be extremely upset but I would prefer him to break up with me immediately he knew that he wanted to rather than hanging around. Iyswim

I'm surprised so many posters think he should stay around tbh.

@ImRen I don't think he should be with the OP if he no longer wants a relationship. But I think time and place have an impact here. Perhaps provide some comfort, which doesn't have to be physical and wait a moment for a space in the OP's immediate emotional state.
There's no great time but perhaps he could have waited a bit until the immediate panic was over.

It's possible that he's providing support to the best of his abilities. Just because someone can't offer the exact support you desire doesn't mean they don't care. Relationships aren't entitlements, and anyone can choose to end them.

Everyone has their own struggles and mental health to prioritize. Support, regardless of its degree, is a gift, not an obligation. Simply being there, listening, or sending well wishes can still be supportive.

People vary in their capabilities, and not everyone can meet your expectations. He may genuinely care but needs to prioritize his own well-being. It's okay for someone to struggle with providing support; it doesn't make them a bad person.

Thank you, I agree he is free to leave whenever he would like but I didn't love how he made me drag it out of him after he started acting differently to me while in that situation. That's the bit that has hurt me more.

I blocked his whatsapps but he sent me a text messages this evening (I never use them so I didn't think of that). He says he has very low confidence for helping me during this time, that because he doesn't have a close family he's not equipped to help others and that he finds himself envious of my close friends/family. He said he knows it makes him 'less of a man' and he doesn't deserve me but he hopes i don't hate him.

He’s not equipped to help others? Don’t you just say ‘what can I do to help’

@LavenderFlowers at least he got one thing right!! he knows it makes him "less of a man"!!!!!!! do not respond to any form of communication from him! you are letting him into your head!

He sent almost an essay of random words, including saying 'I thought you'd want me to stop working while this was happening and I felt massive pressure from that. Maybe it's all in my head though'. It is all in his head, I wasn't concentrating on that at all.

He also said ' I actually do want to sort myself out, and be a better person for me, and for you.' I'm so confused.