Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

When my Dad first went into hospital last week he was kind, drove me around, got me food. This was last week.

After a few days he was cold and I had to drag it out of him by text what was going on. I rang him when I had time to confront him and he admitted he had been speaking to his friend about how he couldn't do this anymore.

We weren't having issues before this. I've mainly just been at the hospital so we haven't had time for an argument or anything he could blame for his behaviour.

And I'm sure in time I will realise what you're all saying about him doing me a favour but I'm not there right now!

He seems like a big man-baby who will be bugger all use when life get hard (as it inevitably does at times).

In time you will look back and see it was a lucky escape.

In the meantime I hope your dad is ok and think about telling your family - they would probably want to know and support you.

If he can cope with being your friend right now why did he need to dump you?

I’m trying to think in what way a boyfriend would behave differently to a friend in this very situation. Is he going to feel less compassionate and less willing to be supportive as a friend?

That doesn’t make sense to me unless what he really means is a casual friend who will sympathise at a distance and perhaps resume fun times when you’re feeling happier again.

Shallow little creep

It is really low that he couldn't stay with you for one night even just as moral support. Sometimes it is scary how men can just switch off and go into selfish mode. I don't even mean selfish as in cruel necessarily, I just mean thinking solely about themselves. I'm sure it hurts since you could never imagine doing the same to him, even if things between you aren't perfect. But remember - in a year's time you won't hurt as much and he will be just a 'blah' memory. Try and borrow that nonchalance from your future self to get through the next few days and make every last minute with your dad count. X

So sorry OP. He’s absolutely shown his true colours though, it’s not about him and he’s out.
You need to think about yourself, imagine if you marry this man and at some point in the future are unwell, god forbid your children unwell, could he deal with that?
stay strong with this and so so sorry about your dad. X

I’m m sure you must be absolutely reeling and dreadfully upset. But this guy has totally shown you who he is - a selfish, cold, callous bastard that doesn’t deserve any more of your time. I’m not usually one for blocking, but in this case absolutely. But I would also message him and tell him how shocked you are at his cold, self centred behaviour and tell him that you want no further contact from him as a boyfriend, friend or any other form. Tell him you will never forgive him for this behaviour and don’t need anything from him ever again. Then block him. I’d usually say hold your tongue and keep the upper hand/your dignity, but this guy is a special kind of twunt who needs someone to tell him.

I know it’s hard, but focus on your family. Spend as much time with them as possible and try to avoid thinking about this.

He's absolutely awful person. My ex was like this - happy to accept my emotional practical and financial help during his sad times but left me as soon as I needed support (when pregnant with his child!)

My advice is - tell your best friends what's happening and ask if any of them can sleep over with you. Someone will I'm sure. If you can at all, forget about him and focus on your dad and deal with the boyfriend and the feelings about him later.

I'm so sorry about your dad xxx

Tell everyone!

I'm so annoyed with him (and in don't even know who he is) he wants to be a friend now but couldn't be there when you actually asked him to be, and is ignoring your boundaries by circumventing your block on communications to try and be the good guy.

Thing is, this doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. He's made that clear not only in his message but his delivery. Fine to end things if you absolutely must but if it's a time like this and you can't wait then you at least need to be bloody decisive, tactful and clean, not piddle around wanting to be totally out one minute then vying for their attention the next trying to salvage their image of you. Now is about you, your dad and your family.

He will never be the person you want/need/ thought he was. It won't feel like it now but you are better off without him.

I'm so sorry for your situation with your dad. I hope you and your family are a comfort to each other in such sad and difficult times 🌷

Boyfriends/girlfriends have made no commitment, they are free to go when they please. It's obviously upsetting for you, but if your boyfriend felt uncomfortable, he had every right to end things. That's why marriage is such a biggie (aside from the financial lock in); you are officially committing to not being a spineless weasel when things go arse up.
Really good luck with everything. You'll meet someone more deserving of you when you least expect it.

He’s a shit. Better that you know now rather than being strung along. You don’t want someone staying with you out of pity.

beat wishes for you and your family.

I’m so sorry lovely. He is showing you who he really is - please, please listen to it.

Focus on the people who matter right now. He doesn't.

His reasons, his behaviour, his timing - he's a total shit & you are well rid.

@LavenderFlowers we are all angry at him on your behalf!!!!! what a nasty snivelling shit he is! Can you block his emails too??? you would do well to never speak to him ever again because he is always going to want attention and he does not like it if he isnt getting that attention!!! I hope your dad improves soon x

Thank you. I will tell more people eventually but I don't have siblings and it doesn't seem the time to tell my Mum, Uncle etc. I will tell friends but I think I'm still a little in shock (probably denial).

He has to travel for work a lot and he's due to go to Prague next week. I realised one of the first things he said when this all happened was 'I still have to go to Prague'. I didn't think much of it at the time. He works for himself so maybe he panicked he couldn't go if he was my boyfriend.

@LavenderFlowers He has to travel for work a lot and he's due to go to Prague next week. I realised one of the first things he said when this all happened was 'I still have to go to Prague'. I didn't think much of it at the time. He works for himself so maybe he panicked he couldn't go if he was my boyfriend. He is NOT allowed to make any excuses for his disgraceful attitude to the troubles you are having at the moment!

I think that's why he feels able to pull this stunt, he know he has enough of a hold over you that he can worm his way back in.
Classic narcissist's discard & then love bomb maneuver, all designed to break you down & give him more power.

The thought of looking after you is too much for him. He's definitely putting himself first very clearly. Not the kind of guy you need.

I'm sorry you're in this situation at an awful time.

What a selfish and spineless man.

There’s a time and a place, and he chooses this critical moment in your life to do it. Shame on him.

Don’t cry any tears for him and don’t ever contact him again.

Take care of yourself and your family 💐

You’ll look back at this one day and be so pleased you’ve had a lucky escape 💐

Ewwwww. So he leaves you when you need to lean on him. Throw him back OP. Defo not a keeper. Get angry. What an immature wanker.

OP, I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through and I truly hope your Dad pulls through.

As for the cockwomble that decided to up and desert you while you're dealing with all of this, he can do one! What an utter shite for choosing this time to break up! It's completely shocking & revolting behaviour on his part. He is most definitely doing you a favour for showing his true colours during a crisis and in time you will be thankful for the trash taking itself out. I hope you can find a friend to come and sit with you tonight so you're not alone. If I knew you, I'd be at your house with a bottle of wine waiting.

Please keep us posted on your Dad. x

What a self obsessed loser. As others have said, eventually you will be able to look at this as fortunate that you got rid of him now, rather than years down the line. You really need him, he cannot and will not be there for you. As life goes on, you need a life partner who faces everything with you, not someone who thinks the world revolves around them.

Try not to even consider why he has chosen to do this to you, it’s not worth the headspace. All you need to know is he isn’t the man you thought he was, he has shown you he wasn’t there for you when you needed him the most.

My first DH did something similar whilst my DF was dying. With hindsight it made the breakup much easier, his actions and lack of support killed any feelings I had for him.