Boyfriend has left me while I'm helping family in hospital

[LavenderFlowers]

I have read Mumsnet for a long time but posting for the first time. Hopefully my post makes sense. I don't want to tell family or friends yet as it's not the time.

Last week my Dad was taken into hospital, he's had early dementia for two years. Hospital says he has an infection that has spread, crucially to his heart. We have since been called to say goodbye in the middle of the night but two days later he is still hanging on. He's sedated for now to give his body a break. We've been taking turns as a family sitting with him. It's tiring but we're looking after each other.

The past few days my boyfriend (of almost two years) has been acting off. I was messaging him about random life, telling him I need distraction but he was cold. I dragged it out of him that he's been talking to his friends about how he wants to leave me. He said it's 'too much' for him right now. I was really hurt he spoke to his friends rather than being upfront with me. We're in our early 30s, we're not kids.

I was so upset. I rang him in floods of tears, he cried too. I then asked him would he stay at mine last night as I didn't want to be alone if I got a bad call during the night but he said he needed to 'mind his head' and it wouldn't be good to share a space. I've stopped replying to him and he's sending messages.

I needed to share it with Mumsnet as I'm so lost. I have been sitting in ICU trying to concentrate on my family and now I'm distracted by him. His Dad had a heart attack last year and I was there for his whole family. I know if I tell my family they will be very angry on my behalf and I'm not ready for that yet.

"When someone shows you who they really are, believe them".

That was exactly my first thought.

Firstly OP I'm very sorry you're going through this and hope your dad is comfortable.

Secondly DO NOT meet him when this is over. All he wants to do is justify why he walked out on you during your most painful experience. He doesn't deserve a chance to explain.

He's shown you who he is. You deserve better. Make a clean break and focus on your dad,your mum and you

Thanks again everyone, my Dad is still stable and we now have some small hope for the future.

I've been thinking about ex and how he's often unavailable due to work. He's away for weeks at the time, all over the world, and I have felt it sometimes suits him that way. He has missed birthdays, events etc but I have been happy enough because it's good when we are together.

I am still keeping one eye on my spam folder. I think a reasonable explanation is better than just feeling thrown aside.

@LavenderFlowers you should not open his emails at all!! just delete them immediately from the spam folder then empty the bin folder at the same time. you are prolonging the agony!! concentrate on your dad and yourself!!

OP any explanation is about centering himself in the narrative when all you needed at this moment was a caring partner.

Do not give him the satisfaction of your time and head space. The fact he's still emailing you is weird and suggests he's going to want to get back together but ofcourse on his terms and after your back to being able to centre or your time and energy on him

You've been living half a relationship, you can do better and will find a partner sooner whose ready to be a grown up.

So he'll leave his explaining til he thinks he'll be able to get his leg over, without any danger of being required to be caring or making an effort. Pffft.

So glad to hear your dad is doing ok. That's great for you.

I hope this doesn't sound unkind because it isn't the intention but why do you want / need an explanation? What is he going to say that's going to make you feel better?
What you've put up with over your time together as described in your last post has likely contributed to him believing he can treat you, in your time of need, like crap.

Youve posted here for support and advice and some wise people have spoken. I know it's hard.

Hope your dad continues to get better.

I would literally have no interest in hearing anything that rat has to say. He's a selfish prick who can't even be there when you need him most.
Sending you love and strength at this difficult time. X

I totally take on all your opinions and I'm really hoping I get to the point of anger.

Right now I would love some type of logical explantation for his behaviour. As it stands I feel very shocked and hurt, I'd love a simple explanation rather than just being thrown away so easily. I can't get my head around someone treating anyone like this and distracting my during this difficulty.

It’ll come. Your world is upside down as it is. To conceive of someone behaving in this manner in such a difficult time may well be beyond you at the moment.
I separated from XH two years ago. We have a kid together but he got engaged and didn’t tell me. I heard through a friend who saw it on social media (I’ve blocked him). I spent a few days thinking how heartless it was that he didn’t just text or tell me (I saw him soon after) before realising that that’s just who he is and he is that thoughtless! But it’s taken me two years to get to that point after 15 years together.
At the moment, just ignore him and concentrate on your family.

He doesn't want to be with you, so why waste anymore time on it if you have that much going on it would be best to put all your energy into that

Sure if it makes you feel better focus on him but does it work?

I'm so sorry, all the best to you and your family.

Now, about him.

Happy to use you as a prop when he needed support.

Happy to bugger off and leave you alone with no thought for you for birthdays, etc.

Happy to tell friends he's leaving you and you're the last to know.

Well, you've had a lucky escape there.

You've had a look into what your future would have been like with him.

Imagine what he'd be like if you'd been pregnant, difficult birth, PND, problems navigating toddler, child, teen years.

Imagine how many family events he'd miss because he HAD to be in Prague.

You were just a handy small element of his life and it suddenly wasn't all about him.

You don't need an explanation - you've got it:

And it's that this is what he's like, who he is, what he is.

There's four billion men on the planet. That one's a dud.

Focus on family and friends for now, then get you out there, living your life.

Very first answer nailed it.

Shitty narcissistic people tell on themselves through their behaviour when you are focused on something else important and they realise they aren't currently thr centre of your world. They bail when you need emotional support too as they don't see that as their responsibility. You're supposed to be their support, it never occurs to them that it's a two way system anymore than it would to us if our TV malfunctioned. We're just objects to those sort.

Even his crying is just to make it all about him again.

The really honest but awful answer is that he didn't love you the way you loved him.

You wouldn't dream of throwing him away so easily, right? Because you love him. But he doesn't love you and that's why he could.

Agree. It really is that simple and that logical. No great mystery about it.

If you get an explanation though what does that change? Nothing.

If he apologises what has changed? Nothing.

He didn't chose to end your relationship he actually chose to mess with your head. The messages are for him not you. They are to assuage his guilt not explain anything. Good people don't do that.

Don’t apply your moral code and behaviour to him. You can’t imagine acting the way he has because you are not a selfish, emotionally stunted, vainglorious man child. He is.

I will be honest but it’s niave ti think that you will get the answer u want. People behave like this all the time and other people don’t awksyd think and act as kindly as u would. Giving him the benefit of the doubt to be able to explain this away is a reach u shouldn’t making. U need to put yourself first and seeing and speaking to him will not help. Time will help u so much to be able to see this for what it is, it’s just not a good person and this may contradict with how he has been in the relationship but it’s still who he is x

Thank you again all who have replied

I have told friends and family and it's been emotionally rough that he has taken some focus away from what's been important this week. Everyone is pretty horrified. I'm still somehow looking for answers, maybe it's just denial, but I'm yet to receive the explanation he promised he would send.

It won't be an explanation OP; it will be an excuse for inexcusable behaviour. I hope your dad continues to improve.

Don't expect, wait for, seek out, ask for or demand an explanation.

He's given it to you:

He's had a strop that something's that's not all about him has taken your attention and he's shown you his true face.

Anything he does say will be excuses, gaslighting, DARVO, 'poor me' narcissistic wordfart.

Just stop waiting for it. Do yourself a favour.

Think about how you would feel if someone did this to a friend of yours. You'd be very angry with him, you'd want nothing to do with that person and you'd tell her to not read anything he has to say.

I think he will play the victim....'oh it was hard for me and I panicked'. His friends should be advising him too, unless he's playing the victim with them also.

I wonder if that would make any difference though. He's behaved appallingly and let you down at a time you most needed support and care. Even if he had to travel for work there would have been ways to be supportive during it.
Perhaps that is the take away from this rather than why. Given that he dragged it out any answers at this point would probably be self-serving and half truths. I understand the desire to get satisfactory answers but are there any that could explain his level of selfishness and cruelty? If you have not reached a stage of anger that could even be a good thing -is he worth the emotional energy? Perhaps the best thing to do is say fuck him and focus on those around you and what is really important now.

Firstly I'm very sorry about your Dad. 💐

I don't see this as black and white as other posters do. I know it's terrible timing but might it just be really unfortunate timing rather than thinking he can't be bothered with you because of what you and your family are going through. It might have taken him a while to come to terms with the fact he wants to break up with you and that now that something has clicked and he knows that he definitely wants to break up with you he has to do it immediately. It's awful awful timing but surely it's better he is honest with you.

Imagine knowing you want to break up with someone and then sharing a bed with them or having to physically comfort them. I don't think I could do it, it would feel dishonest and fake 🫤

I hope you see where I'm coming from.

It won't feel like it now but you've probably had a lucky escape. Anyone who would kick you like that when you are down doesn't deserve you.