Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

It would depend on the story I was told. A friend of mine has no connection contact with his child as he had a breakdown when they split up and was drinking heavily so denied contact. He’s in a much better place now and going through the courts to get contact re established but it’s a long process. He is not on good terms with the mother. He is in a new relationship and I know he has been very honest with the new partner.

Because some women are desperate and have low self-esteem and want to believe they have that special thing that can rescue and fix a man.

I have two people close to me who are married to men whose adult children have no contact with them. I know that's not quite what you're asking, I assume you're asking more about a parent who is not parenting their young children. But I think it's the same. In both cases, their children are NC with them because they were convicted of abuse - in one case, of the children themselves and in the other, of abusing another family member and their child cut them off when they found out. Both these women think they are poor, sad, misunderstood blokes who just needed a good woman to fix them and give them a second chance. 🙄They did those things before because they didn't have a good woman in their lives and now it's different. Pathetic, really.

Absolutely not. Someone who doesn’t want to be with their kids (or can’t because they’ve abused them) is a broken human.

I wouldn't date anyone who was actively a parent. I might date someone who was a parent but had no involvement with their children depending on what the reason was for this.

Curious about this - what reason could a person give you for not being in contact with their children that would mean you'd want to date them?

I mean obviously is your prerogative not to want to be involved with a parent, I get that! But would you want to date someone who had no contact because they had abused their ex? Or the child themself? What about if they found out the ex was pregnant and distanced themselves, giving no support to the mother of their child?

I wouldn't.
Met a guy once OLD, years ago, who had no contact because his girlfriend left him at 5 months pregnancy and had her new boyfriend listen on the birth certificate. He'd been in court for years trying to fight it, finally made it on the birth certificate and was then hit with "but your daughter is 3 years old and hasn't even met you, it would be harmful for her to force contact with a stranger"
Great guy, decent guy. But way too much drama and trauma to get involved with. I hope for his sake someone else felt differently though and he got the fresh start he deserved.

I definitely wouldn't. Red flag straight away

Depends why. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not ALWAYS the man’s fault.

@LutonBeds it’s always the other persons fault how they control their temper. There are consequences to abusing another, man or women. A judge doesn’t suspect constant for years on a whim with no evidence.

I'd be very cautious. My last man had children in a different country, and he phoned every day and had facetime with them at least once a week, often more, and spent a fortune on school holiday flights. I knew the children came first, and I'd have thought less of him if they hadn't.

Not if it was through their own choice, no.

Hmmm depends on the story really but my initial thoughts are no- red flag

I wouldn't but it depends on a few things. They may not have been told a full story about why there is no contact and choose to believe their partners version of events and that the ex has denied contact because they're just a horrible person. Or, they may themselves have terrible morals and just not care. I have a friend who's child's dad has fathered children with at least three different women. He only has contact with the children of his current partner and she was completely on board with him cutting off contact with his other children and complicit in trying to hide earnings so that there was more money for her own kids. In some ways, I find her position harder to understand than the man himself who is obviously just a cretin.

What about if they found out the ex was pregnant and distanced themselves, giving no support to the mother of their child?

This is the one I would be likely to accept - if they hadn't wanted the ex to go ahead with the pregnancy. I get all the stuff about the only way to be sure a pregnancy doesn't ensue is not to have sex; and I wouldn't challenge any woman's decision to go ahead with a pregnancy; but if the pregnancy happens by accident and the father doesn't want it to go ahead, I don't think the father should be obliged to be in the child's life beyond paying the appropriate maintenance.

I know of a guy who got involved with a woman who lost all her 3 kids to the care system.
Had another before having two with him, so because of history and circumstances at the time. All 3 of those children were or still are under child protection. But apparently the father is separate from the situation because it's all to do with the mother.
But why a guy would get involved with her god knows.

That ended and she messed around/stopped contact so he took her to court, and now has them every other weekend probably mostly because of distance they have to travel. And whatever else.
And yet he went through all of that and didn't have more than a room in his relatives house where he lived at the time.
And since then as it was getting cramped, he uses his gf's place disgraceful.

Works full time but the state are covering most of it.

He seems to go for women with kids who already have their own accommodation 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well I have 4 kids with my ex he doesn’t see them at all and doesn’t pay maintenance but many women would still date him (as you can see from this thread) and he doesn’t struggle to date so yes loads of women wouldn’t have a problem with it

I wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t an active, involved, day-to-day parent. Contact isn’t enough. If the man isn’t doing school runs and wiping noses, then he isn’t the kind of man I would want in my life.

I guess some people are excellent at looking like the victims. I know my ex’s girlfriend supposed him all the way through court. I suppose she knows what he’s told her.

@BaroqueInterlude how can you be ok with this? He can be angry at the mum forever but why punish the child? He knew the risks, this is his doing.
The child is innocent from his mothers choice, he is punishing the child and being a petty coward just to hurt the mum. The child is the dads problem too. I think its messed up to treat a child like this.

I would never date a guy who didnt actively raise his children, doing stuff like school runs, homeworks and must be respectful about ex.

My friend’s ex-DH takes his new girlfriend & her kids on holiday, but doesn’t take his own kids on holiday!

I guess she doesn’t care cos she gets a free holiday, but it would be deeply unattractive to me if a man behaved like that (perhaps because my own dad was very absent).

Happily married with two DC. My husband (who I've been with for 15 years) was recently separated when we met - his then 4 and 6 year olds were living with their mum. He moved heaven and earth to see them but his ex made it impossible.

The break up was messy (she cheated) - she played the victim and made sure any contact was supervised once per week. He'd travel an hour to see them, she'd cancel at the last minute because they were sick, gone to a friends etc. Spent £50k+ going back and forth to court with detailed evidence. On our last trip the judge said of this evidence 'I don't want to hear about the past, let's focus on the future' and maintained the same broken arrangements. No direct contact, everything via the ex (a head teacher). He rarely saw them, and later on she said they refused to see him, after she'd turned then against him.

We later found out the elder child had moved in with her grandparents after finding her mum collapsed drunk on Xmas day and fed up of the ever changing boyfriends.

The situation broke my husband. He's now a wonderful father to our two young children. I wouldn't have believed how the family court system could chew you up and spit you out if I hadn't seen it first hand. He now has a great relationship with his daughter (who doesn't speak to her mum anymore), but not his son.

So long answer short - there are so many reasons that a father may not see his children, and not all are within his control.

No I wouldn't, it says a lot about their values and priorities.

Tbh, I'd be very unlikely to date a man with children at all but if I did I'd be very careful about what I'm getting into and probably wouldn't have more children.

good grief no. absolutely not

So long answer short - there are so many reasons that a father may not see his children, and not all are within his control.

and literally any of them mean i wouldn’t date him

even if he has been completely wronged by his ex… i don’t want to introduce that potential drama in to my children’s lives