Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

Depends on the circumstances and the individual concerned.

I know somebody who's ex wife moved to Edinburgh. Difficult to maintain a relationship when he lives and works in a central London Hospital. Gifted surgeon too.

I think it’s also a case that all men will claim their ex won’t let them see the children. Not many men go yeah I just can’t be bothered/ don’t want to see them

“difficult”

but no where even close to impossible

If he is that gifted they will want him Scotland surely?
There are video calls and can get flights to Edinburgh.

@PrincessCharlette

do you have children?

would a few hundred miles and a career (that would be entirely possible to move) stop you having any contact with your children?

Nothing logistical would ever bloody stop me. Nothing.

Quite often it's the mother denying contact for 'revenge' - I've seen this with 2 friends so far, both of whom had to go to court to fight for contact.

In both cases the mother was just angry about the break up and they were good Dads before the relationship broke down, it's sad to see but happens.

I can't see how anyone could hold that against the Dad when dating again - they're trying to be a parent, but the woman being a cnut isn't in their control.

pathetic isn’t it

because i don’t want to introduce that kind of drama into my children’s lives.

I don’t want someone’s ex to be seeking revenge against my partner. I don’t want contact to then be allowed but then i have an unhinged ex in my children’s life’s

my children first and foremost and if that means ruling out any man, even if entirely not his fault, who has no contact with his children… so then be it

although a touch skeptical that he would have zero blame in such such a situation. anyway

When I was dating it was really important for me to find a man who had children, was a good dad and have active contact and also did not want want more children ( as I did not want anymore). My reasoning is that I have children and while I did not want a father for my children, I wants someone who would be good with them and also understand that they are my priority if the need me. It would be a huge red flag for me too! Being a good dad is a measure of a man really as you want to know they are responsible, caring and involved with their children as an active parent. These qualities will also come through in other relationships be it romantic or friendship,

Well, if he chose a 'crazy' woman it shows he has bad judgment.
If i had to go through court to see my children I would be too devastated to date generally let alone get into a relationship and help raise someone else's child when mine I don't even see. All my night and day would be spent on finding and contacting my children, I wouldn't have the mood or desire to entertain a new relationship.

I think those deadbeat dads go for desperate women in a lower league than they could have because women they really want and would ordinarily be able to get with won't stand for it, but the women soa enthralled by his looks, money or status because she could never get a guy like him will accept his sob story because that's the narrative she wants, she wants to believe he is a good guy.

There's rarely a good/positive reason why you'd have no contact with your own children!

rarely? i can’t think of one

unless… the estranged parent in question was a threat / harmful/ shit to their children

Absolutely not. I speak from experience of being a child in this scenario. My Dad has two daughters and a son from a previous relationship he never saw or bothered with, met and married my Mum and had me and my siblings. That lack of care for previous children translates over to any new children in the same way. I couldn't wait to leave home and I believe it affected the type of men I chose as I didn't know what a good man looked like.

You think 400 miles isn't a problem ?. Try working for the NHS on a Major Trauma Unit in central London and see how much time you get to hop on a flight to Scotland. I've seen the man work 17 hours to save the life of some poor cyclist who was run over by a double decker bus. It isn't just a job, it's literally life and death. I'm afraid the rest of the world takes a back seat to that. Edinburgh included.

so to be clear @PrincessCharlette

400 miles and your non London-centric career (that could be transferred) would mean you have no contact with your children?

Rightio

I've seen the man work 17 hours to save the life of some poor cyclist who was run over by a double decker bus

Scotland doesn’t ever have RTAs 😂

You think 400 miles isn't a problem ?. Try working for the NHS on a Major Trauma Unit in central London and see how much time you get to hop on a flight to Scotland. I've seen the man work 17 hours to save the life of some poor cyclist who was run over by a double decker bus. It isn't just a job, it's literally life and death. I'm afraid the rest of the world takes a back seat to that. Edinburgh included.

So he's chosen his career over his child?

How sad.

It depends.

Its always a red flag for me but I don’t think it’s black and white.

My own ex doesn’t see his child through choice (he tells everyone I stop him).

But I do know people who’ve stopped their ex’s seeing the kids either because the dad was abusive or because the mum is controlling and found someone better.

A man who wants to see his kids but is being stopped unfairly, would be doing things to try and maintain a relationship or building one for the future - going to court, writing birthday cards and letters even if they just keep them until the child’s an adult, opening a bank account, trying to build a relationship with wider family members etc.

Perhaps if the mum cared she wouldn't have moved their bloody child 400 miles away! It's a cunt move and women always have lots to say about what they would do in these situations but really how often do they have to confront it, easy to talk big when you know you'd have all the power.

I think 🤔 context is the key 🔑 to whether to date someone with this kind of background,

At first glance i would think no,
I would be Wary until i know a lot better from a reliable source,
to make my mind up whether it's a good idea to get involved in this way or not, whether to be careful to back off from continuing dating...

To answer the OP.
I think it's a huge red flag.

My neighbour's boyfriend doesn't see his child yet she posts pictures all over social media with them spending time with her nieces and nephews proclaiming that life is all about the kids without any sense of shame.

Why not just date people with no kids?

I would either want to date someone with no kids or someone who was an active, involved parent.

I think it says a lot about a person who chooses to create a child and then not step up and be involved.

There is also a lot of drama and issues involved with someone who isn’t involved in their child’s life and this could also change throughout the years where they choose to be involved or get taken to court etc.

If you don’t want to be with someone involved with children, then your best bet would be to stay clear of people with children.

oh i’m not excusing the mother

but…. if that was the situation forced upon me as a parent…. then it still would never ever ever mean no contact with my children

completely and utterly unfathomable actually

He'd have to be an involved parent ie be doing the school runs, there for kids to drop into whenever they like etc, not just an EOW dad.

Not unless he showed me proof he'd fought his way through every court out there to try to stay in his children's lives and there was no reason that was his fault that he wasn't seeing them.