Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

As other posters have said, it would completely depend on the circumstances. There are cases where parental alienation has happened due to a manipulative mother. It’s not always a dad’s fault they don’t have contact - and can be a really traumatic for them. So I couldn’t give a blanket answer for this, it would totally depend on what had happened.

Saying that, I would be wary about getting involved with anyone where there is ongoing drama with an ex. It’s not something I really want in my life. It’s nice to be in a relationship where someone’s past is in their past.

He's not in their day to day lives in any meaningful way, clearly.
Which is his choice and he's far from the only one to have made it but it was and remains his choice. He's not forced to stay where he is. He looked at his choices and decided what his priorities are.

I just know that if I had an ex who wanted to move hundreds of miles away with our children I'd do everything possible to stop them and if I exhausted all legal options and couldn't stop them, I'd follow them no matter what job I'd be leaving behind.

Then I'd give voodoo a go and spend my evenings sticking hot needles into little dolls of my ex for being such a bastard as to move so far away leaving me no choice but to follow.

Wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. No man is so attractive and interesting that it’s worth overlooking not paying maintenance, leaving parenting to their ex partner or not providing essentials at their own house (not a roof provided by their mother or father). I’d expect him to have a place where his child/children have their own proper space/beds/belongings.

Any tales of woe about psychotic exes, rip off divorces or she won’t let me see them and I’d make excuses and leave. No man is worth the hassle.

No.

My son means everything to me, I wouldn't have anything in common with someone who doesn't speak to their children. I just find it so strange.

I would seek the full picture before I made a decision, as there are always a minimum of 2 sides to every story.

So no, I wouldn't immediately dismiss it, if I wanted to pursue that relationship I would seek to understand the full picture first.

@Whiskeypowers my ex met his gf a few months after I stopped contact. (There were justified reasons which were upheld by a judge). His gf then supported him through court. It took years as he was sent on DAPP course etc and had to prove he has gained in sight etc etc. She got pregnant. She has come to the door step and really looks to be a nice person. My daughter says she mostly looks after her and she’s lovely. My ex shouts at the GF and my daughter gets upset. I’m guessing he must have spun a massive story and left out all the parts where he was at fault. I mean he was awful I don’t understand how he can move on and get such a lovely lady. He’s just lost his driving licence from speeding. He used to drink and smoke week whilst driving so I’m not surprised.

@manipulatrice yeah there are definitely two sides to every story and a narcissist is brilliant at making them look the victim. After all I fell for it all. All is ex’s were crazy then too. I overlooked some shockers thinking I would be treated better lol.

I think this is rather simplistic. A lot depends on people's stage of life, circumstances and awareness of things. Young me, before I discovered feminism for example, would have absolutely been willing to listen to someone who told me a halfway convincing story about why they didn't see their DC and I'd have probably believed the stories about the psycho ex, etc. Especially since I'd had the good fortune to grow up in a loving family with no point of reference for shut shitty behaviour and also because society feeds these tropes about bitter exes (mostly female of course) and parental alienation, etc. Older me in contrast is deeply cynical. Same person, just older and wiser. Nothing to do with being insecure, low morals, intelligence or any of those things which have largely remained unaltered - just life experience playing its part.

No.

gasp

on a thread about NO CONTACT… i assumed you posting at length about this man was regarding a man who had NO CONTACT

not someone that you have “no idea” what level of context he has!! 😂

No wouldn't see it has a red flag. Only actually after talking to the person about the situation would I make up my mind. Assumptions is the mother of all fu**er's.

but no matter what the reason, even if he is entirely blameless, would you want to introduce a potential shit show of drama later down the line in to your children’s lives if the unhinged ex (she’s always unhinged 😂) re enters his life

Different but the same. The power of belief. Me ex had never been faithful. Why did I think I would be different?

@Whiskeypowers Been through family court for a decade, so not naive to the realities. Appreciate different people will have had different experiences, but ours was that my DH was interrogated on a regular basis while his ex was a functioning alcoholic, had a string of short term partners, shredded every letter/card we ever sent, prevented contact, turned the kids against him and didn't even have the eldest living with her after the age of 12 - none of which Cafcass or the court even picked up on. It does happen.

My ex-husband has majority custody of two sons (this is not through choice, courts decided).
I am pleased he made no judgement before he knew the truth.

No. And I wouldn't believe any Fathers4Justice bullshit story about a vindictive ex keeping them apart.

@SomeSuchThing Absolutely. I'm a mum and very similar happened to me (see above post).

Firstnews24

Best not to plan your life around if buts and maybes.

not when my children are involved

My ex walked out on me and our three kids and has refused to see the kids since. Yet bizarrely women still like him and date him, even though he shat all over his kids' lives and then just walked off into the distance.

My DH is an amazing father to our two, the way he wasn't able to be with his first two. I'm so glad I saw past the baggage when we met. Our children have not been adversely affected - they have a good relationship with their older half sister and understand that life isn't all perfect nuclear families.

I did end a relationship where he didn’t see his dd. He said that ex was evil and wouldn’t allow contact but he hadn’t bothered to do anything about it because, ‘she knows where I am’.

No thank you. What a coward.

I don't agree - far better to have no father in the picture than a father who resents being there.

If there has been abuse, then of course. But it’s not always down to that.

Many years ago, I remember reading a legal advice article, written by a solicitor. A divorced couple had 2 kids, mum met someone else and wanted to move to Australia (from UK). Dad went to court but judge(s?) ruled that quality of life would be better in Oz and mums new DH had family connections and both had solid job offers. Order made that visits and contact allowed, dad said he couldn’t afford to pay for flights/accommodation but was basically told “tough shit”.

One of my school friends had no contact with her DF (and they were SO close) after he left her DM as her DM was so spiteful and bitter and nagged on and on about how wronged she was (still does and it’s over 30 years) my friend thought it was easier to just not go and see him.

He still lived locally, both were close friends of my parents. He died a couple of years ago, having had no contact for over 30 years. I think it’s really sad for all concerned; my friend that she stopped seeing her dad, her DM wasting her life being bitter and her DF for being cut off and dying without seeing his DC again.

Depends on the circumstances. A relative got a woman pregnant on a one night stand. He paid up from the beginning and would take all the contact he could get. Child's mother would send child with dirty and ill fitting clothes and shoes and he'd buy them new things so he felt comfortable taking them out. He'd return child in those and hand back the others but same would happen. He eventually learned to change child back before returning.

Mother then decided there was no benefit to her anymore so would make excuses not to give child for contact. Got to the point where he went to court and was constantly getting threats of violence from mothers family.

In the end he gave up. Hoping that they'd ask to see him when older. He still sent gifts and tried to make sure that child could find him.

He hasn't seen child since they were about 5. Not for want of trying.

He can't be the only one.