Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

Distance is no reason not to maintain contact with children. If unwilling / 'unable' to move closer, NRP won't have EOW / school runs etc type contact but there are phone calls, email, letters, cards etc. As a NRP at such a distance he won't have to cover child illness days off school so can use annual leave to go visit them or have them come to him in school holidays or go part time / work overtime for TOIL to facilitate long weekend visits to his DC. I'd expect them to be contributing financially to the DC as well - even if contact is sporadic, by paying the NRP is showing awareness of their responsibilities.

In rare cases where the resident parent genuinely won't allow contact (in the absence of a court order preventing it) I'd be very suspicious. If NRP uses the crazy ex story, why has he left his kids to be raised alone by someone who is mentally unstable? Or does the NRP know they were a bad parent / abusive partner during the relationship and doesn't pursue contact because he doesn't want to risk the details coming out in court and prefers to hide behind a facade of "she just won't let me see them"?

I'd never date someone who didn't see existing children or have regular non physical contact because that's not the kind of person I want to build a family with.

Nope. My own father cut ties with me the day he walked out on my mother.

And a good friend found herself in a relationship with what she thought was a lovely man, who had an abusive ex who wouldn't let him see his own children. He was in fact an abusive, violent arsehole. My lovely friend is now disfigured for life because of him. His ex was right to keep his children from him.

He wasn't the one who moved 400 miles away, was he ?. The guy lives and works in London. He's perfectly happy and committed to the unit here. From my conversation the other day he's lobbying for more funds to expand our capability in a specific area. And yes, his career is that important to him. And it's London based.

so to be clear op

if your ex moved 400 miles away

that would mean the end of your relationship with your children? no face time? no visits? no nothing

shhhhiiittt

the above for @PrincessCharlette and @LunaMay

Some women see step children as cuckoos in the nest. There's been enough Disney films/Grims fairytales about this so it's hardly a new phenomena! Bit short sighted in my view, but it doesn't surprise me at all that there are women who literally couldn't give a shit until it's their kids who are the cuckoos.

And it's London based.

well yes

currently

but if he so wished he could change location

but even if he stayed i. london… visit? facetime?

He wasn't the one who moved 400 miles away, was he ?. The guy lives and works in London. He's perfectly happy and committed to the unit here. From my conversation the other day he's lobbying for more funds to expand our capability in a specific area. And yes, his career is that important to him. And it's London based.

I'm not questioning his commitment to his job, none of that changes that fact that he is choosing that career over his child.
That's his choice.

It might not have been his choice for his child to live 400 miles away, but they do and therefore he has to make a choice about what is more important.

He might be an excellent surgeon but he's a shit dad.

He is obviously too busy for his kids unless they are on his doorstep. Imagine knowing your dad put patients ahead of his own kids.

Won't take this personally @CinCityGal! The whole Fathers for Justice movement didn't come out of nowhere. If a woman is bitter/crazy/mean enough, it's laughably easy to keep a father out of their children's lives, because the system heavily favours the mother.

In our case, my DH cherishes his fatherhood with our two as he realizes how precious it is.

I don't disagree that in the vast majority of cases it's a bad sign, but context is everything.

Some men lie about the reason they don't see their kids. They may be prevented by court order.
Some men aren't interested (like my ex) Some men are prevented from having a relationship with their kids because their ex is a manipulative lying bitch (yes they do actually exist!!)

Fathers for justice is run by nutters, there are many bad movements and toxic organisations it doesn't mean they are right, truthful or worthy.

I don't know how often he sees or speaks to his daughter in Scotland, but his older two live with him and he has no intention of disturbing their lives or his or the research into surgical practices we are trying to pioneer here.

And that work is here in London, as it has to be. Not elsewhere.

ah bit of a drip there 😂

@PrincessCharlette

did you miss the wording “NO CONTACT”

I don't know how often he sees or speaks to his daughter in Scotland,

and you assumed he had no contact

fruitcake in our midst

So what you are saying is that through no fault of his own he was put in a position where he had to choose what was more important to him, his children or his career. And he chose his career.
So it's absolutely fair to say that his job means more to him than being in his children's lives. 🤷

No never, there's no acceptable reason for not having contact with your children 🤷‍♀️

@IncompleteSenten
that odd poster has confirmed that I don't know how often he sees or speaks to his daughter in Scotland,

I didn't assume anything, you did. I said it was difficult to maintain a relationship with a child that is 400 miles away. Which it is.

No, no, nope.

My ex stopped seeing our son two years ago, which was two years after we split up and he had been with his new partner for around 18 months at that point. She knew our child was in a Child in Need plan at the time because of my ex (physically aggressive with DC who has SEN), and she spent time with the social worker so was definitely aware. SS were trying to get him to do parenting courses etc but he wouldn’t engage and ultimately said he didn’t want to parent DC anymore so walked out his life. He has an older DC with another ex he still sees. He’s still with the ‘new’ partner, but how she could stand by him through all of that and agree with his decision is beyond me. She had a relationship with my son too.

Are you kidding about systems heavily favouring the mother? Have you actually been through family court?

father for justice is an organisation that first and foremost seeks to enable abusive misogynistic or bitter men to support each other in less than well intentioned activity in relation to their ex partners and children.
The Family Court and other organisations including the police and children’s services facilitated this albeit by virtue of their overstretched incompetence. Add into the mix that the CMS makes it a piece of piss for a man to avoid any sort of financial responsibility - and it is mostly men that do that - then you have a perfect storm.

your comment is incredibly naive.

@Rainbow03 in answer to your question a woman that dates a man or goes on to have a child with a man who either can’t or doesn’t see his children is absolutely bloody stupid. She has already seen for her own eyes what awaits her and that child.

that’s a load of crap.
Have you heard of prohibited steps orders? No court in the land would permit a parent to move a child 400 miles away from their other parent unless there were absolutely exceptional circumstances. Even then the moving parent would be ordered to bend over backwards in relation to enabling contact.
if he is a gifted surgeon he could get a job nearer to his child. If he wanted to.