Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

211 replies

Rainbow03 · 15/02/2024 11:34

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 16/02/2024 12:44

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2024 14:08

I wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t an active, involved, day-to-day parent. Contact isn’t enough. If the man isn’t doing school runs and wiping noses, then he isn’t the kind of man I would want in my life.

My ex isn't a day to day parent because of distance - on a school day they'd have maybe an hour at home before bed time for DC, and have to leave really early in the morning. Neither of us think that is in DCs best interests.
It would be a shame if a potential partner ruled him out on those grounds!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/02/2024 12:48

From experience No I wouldn't
My ex was NC with his DC
He was physically abusive to them, and a violent alcoholic.
You could be caught up in a complicated situation.

24hrCarer · 16/02/2024 12:49

@Whiskeypowers I've been through the family court 10 times, from a mothers perspective and a fathers and yes, I can say from my experience that mothers are favoured. Fathers have to jump through hoops of fire just to have basic contact.

achangewoulddougood · 16/02/2024 12:51

I agree OP but FWIW until a woman goes through having kids and a similar situation (court involved for eg) I think a lot of women just think no contact is to do with breaking up rather than how it reflects on the dad (usually due to comments by the dad around not his fault etc). Many might not want to question it because it makes it easier for them to date without having the exes past interrupting that. Admittedly I'm imagining younger women in this scenario which is possibly unfair. It's not right at all but I imagine that is partly how it happens.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 16/02/2024 13:01

@achangewoulddougood Yeah I think that makes sense. It’s easier to accept maybe if you haven’t had kids and would do anything to protect them, even if it makes you look like a bitch or is a tough decision to make. The other girlfriend gets shouted at now, I wonder how she feels now she has a baby listening to it. It makes a big deal to how you feel about someone. My daughter says she tried to diffuse the shouting but she is visibly upset.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:14

Starseeking · 16/02/2024 12:18

We moved in together after about 1 year and 3 months of being in a relationship, and got engaged after being together for 2 years.

Out of interest, how long would you expect to be in a relationship before doing those two things?

Show quote history

irrelevant to me

i have no intention of moving in with anyone or anyone moving in with me whilst my children are under 21 in any s ensuring

carerneedshelp · 16/02/2024 13:14

A lad who I grew up had a child with his girlfriend at 16. For various reasons it was decided that it was best that the baby be placed for adoption and was adopted a short time later.
It broke him.
20 odd years later they are both married and had children.
I wouldn't judge either of them. They made the best choice for all of them at the time. However hard it was.

achangewoulddougood · 16/02/2024 13:15

Poor woman. Sadly they do seem to repeat old behaviours. My exe's new partner supported him financially a lot and helped him go self employed to hide earnings to withold maintenance. He became a complete nightmare to her also and she had to cut all ties to get away from him in the end. I do think it's ignorance and a certain hopefulness that somehow you are "different" rather than noticing the common denominator is him. I think you see it all the time on these boards where women get to a certain age, having had kids, and the behaviour doesn't wash. Younger women think it's their youth and beauty, but it's because they are easier to manipulate (not their fault).

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 16/02/2024 13:19

@achangewoulddougood no it’s not her fault, after all I fell for it. I am glad she is around as she is kind to my daughter and picks up all the slack, makes cakes with her etc etc. Maybe she is more tolerable than I was and I think he has stopped the drinking and smoking weed which might help his behaviour somewhat. Not that he did that because it’s the right thing to do as he never in the wrong, it’s probably because she wouldn’t tolerate it and he needed new supply.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:20

@Starseeking

would you move a man in to your children’s home after 9 months of dating, and your children having only known him 6 months?

24hrCarer · 16/02/2024 13:21

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:20

@Starseeking

would you move a man in to your children’s home after 9 months of dating, and your children having only known him 6 months?

I know this question isn't aimed at me but my DH moved in 3 months after dating and by 9 months we were married. It's all dependent on circumstances and the children involved.

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 16/02/2024 13:23

@Firstnews24 there was another thread discussing this issue. It pretty much was split as all things are. Personal options, different situation etc etc not really about my particular post though.

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:23

yes but @24hrCarer 24 did you have children???

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 16/02/2024 13:25

My ex moved his girlfriend into my house that he kicked me out of and told me if I returned he’d hurt me, all whilst our 2 year old was in the house. Took 2 years to get him out.

OP posts:
24hrCarer · 16/02/2024 13:29

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:23

yes but @24hrCarer 24 did you have children???

Yes I have 2 (adults now though). They were 7 and 10 at the time. Eldest knew him before I did though.

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:52

out of interest @24hrCarer would you do again? it went well?

EBearhug · 16/02/2024 13:56

AuntMarch · 16/02/2024 12:44

My ex isn't a day to day parent because of distance - on a school day they'd have maybe an hour at home before bed time for DC, and have to leave really early in the morning. Neither of us think that is in DCs best interests.
It would be a shame if a potential partner ruled him out on those grounds!

Show quote history

But he can still phone, message, facetime daily. Not bring physically in the same house doesn't mean no contact. I have one friend who manages it across different countries and quite a timezone difference.

Another friend is 50:50. He us also dating on his non-child weeks. One woman he met expected him to spend every weekend with her. His children were irrelevant. If he was interested in her, any non-working time should be committed to her. We are in our 50s - I'd expect any man I'm dating to have friends and other activities to catch up with sometimes, regardless of whether they have children. And they need to allow me time for my friends, exercise etc. I'd be horrified if someone expected me to give them ll my spare time - it'd be suffocating, even if you're well past a first date. Hesays he's met a few Eastern European women like this, but it seems rather an unrealistic expectation- and a controlling red flag. (There wasn't a second date - his kids (and cst) get priority.)

Residentevil · 16/02/2024 14:07

If I ever found myself single, I wouldn’t date anyone with children at all. Unless they were uni age or beyond.

larkstar · 16/02/2024 14:11

I would really struggle to come to terms with that - I'm sure there are a few valid situations but they must be rare I would think so...No - especially with respect to children. I dislike selfishness and value responsible adults who can make hard decisions and carry them through even when it means putting the interests of others above their own.

Starseeking · 16/02/2024 15:25

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:20

@Starseeking

would you move a man in to your children’s home after 9 months of dating, and your children having only known him 6 months?

As I explained, my EXDP and I moved in together after 15 months. At the time, he was having EOW and holiday contact with his DC until his EXDW stopped it. I don't think that's an unreasonable timeframe, though you obviously have a different view.

Personally I am not planning to move anyone into my home where my DC spend the majority of their time and one has SEN. I don't think that's unreasonable for me, but I don't expect others to do the same.

24hrCarer · 16/02/2024 16:33

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 13:52

out of interest @24hrCarer would you do again? it went well?

I would yes. We have been married almost 10 years now. It was the kids begging for him to move in, I had to tell them to slow down 😂

Original poster
Rainbow03 · 16/02/2024 17:00

@24hrCarer lol my daughter was the same. I think it was after about 2 years before he did. She kept asking and I’m kept saying hold your horses!

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 16:01

24hrCarer · 16/02/2024 16:33

I would yes. We have been married almost 10 years now. It was the kids begging for him to move in, I had to tell them to slow down 😂

Show quote history

but then moved him in after 3 months anyway!

24hrCarer · 17/02/2024 16:03

@Firstnews24 They wanted him to move in after about 2 weeks. Yes he moved in after 3 months of dating and spending every day together. Plus we were already engaged by this point.

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 16:06

@Starseeking

now that you presumably know him very well and he’s an ex - do you have any sympathy with the ex’s choice to go NC?

would you be upset if he was t part of your children’s lives or… actually relieved he wasn’t present in their life’s as you feel he isn’t a good father?