Would you date a person who didn’t have contact with their children?

[Rainbow03]

I’m just a little baffled (and a bit bored to be wondering it). But why would a person date another person who didn’t have contact with their child.

For context my ex didn’t have contact because I stopped it due to abuse and a judge denied it for years. But in the meantime he met a lady (who is nice) and had a baby with him.

Wouldn’t that be an absolutely huge red flag. I mean the story he must have told must have been outstanding. My daughter does see him now and the lady really is very good with her and is kind.

yes, good point, also people believe what they want or need to believe

when my OH left me with 3 schoolage children, cos he didn’t want any more responsibility, to move in with his widowed mother at the other end of a long residential road, he immediately took up with a woman with AC living far away,
promptly moved in with her.
I can guess at the story he span. That she never came to ask me anything,
knowing the close proximity of households. knowing that he had children was baffling to me, it wasn’t as though she was a twenty year old ingenue.

That men abandon their families is mysterious enough.

To glean information from the source seems an imperative many women
eschew when they smell needy ‘single’ man.

I wouldn't touch this. Sorry. I appreciate some men are cheated out of a relationship with their children BUT stastically, it can't possibly affect all men who do not see their children.

In my situation I have no idea what he told the OW (now his wife). She was happy to cosy up to his older three children (from his first marriage) and (I assume) has happily continued to lie and support his lies to them.

My best friend married & has 3 children with a guy who had a child he doesn't see I have always been baffled by why she done this

I often wonder the same thing, why people date/marry people who are cheaters, abusers, no contact with their kids etc. Do they think they will change, putting their lives and sometimes their kids' lives at risk hoping they will? But why? Would not it be better, safer, easier to find someone without such history? No clue.

I wouldn’t, but then I am unfortunately aware of just how dangerous/ abusive a parent has to be in order to be denied access via the courts.

Unfortunately, many people, who haven’t gone through the family courts, are easily led by the “vindictive ex” stories and willing to believe that the ex has blocked contact for no legitimate reason.

What are you gonna do spend the rest of your life hiding in a bubble?

did you bother to read that i’m happy to date men with children i just have no intention of ever blending families until we both have no children under 21 living with us. If that means “living in a bubble” then so be it. I have a job i adore, a wonderful group of friends, i have a hobby that i get excited about and travel with occasionally and… i love my children’s company. So i’m pretty content with my bubble! @Chickpea17

@manipulatriceI would seek the full picture before I made a decision, as there are always a minimum of 2 sides to every story.

and how exactly would you get the full picture? have a long detailed chat with his ex? speak with her family and friends? speak with the children he has no contact with?

I am fascinated as to how you think you will get the “full” picture

Only if they were actively going through the court process trying to re-establish contact. Otherwise, no.

but would you still get together with him in this scenario if you had children?

@Starseeking and if they were actively going through the court process and denied for years still because they were abusive and total narcissists who believe they have never done anything wrong? How would you get the truth from a narcissist? Just because they want access doesn’t mean they deserve it or want it from the right reasons.

@Firstnews24 in my case the gf had no children so could explain why she was more willing.

I used to have very hardline views on this and now I have seen that sometimes the court system gets it very wrong, for both mums and dads. So it would definitely be a red flag, but there might be some circumstances in which I would not see it as reflecting poorly on the father.

Well, I wouldn't date a man with children anyway but hypothetically this would be a complete deal breaker.

There is no good or neutral reason in terms of what it either says about the man or brings to my table.

I accept there can be instances where the man may not be to blame and things are very difficult in court but I wouldn't want that in my life.

I don't have kids or legal troubles so would be sympathetic but not want a relationship with anyone distracted by that.

The thread is about men who are not in contact with their children. This guy presumably doesn't see his daughter regularly but could speak to her every day for all you know and visit several times a year. Why are you going into so much detail about his career when you don't even know if the thread applies to him?!

i still wouldn’t

too much of a risk for my future children

thankfully that poster shuffled off

@Firstnews24 @Rainbow03

When I first met my EXDP he had a DC who he had EOW and holidays with. I met his DC around 9 months in, and we moved in together 6 months later.

As soon as he told his EXDW we were moving in together, she stopped him seeing his DC.

Over the next year he went through court, and successfully got contact back, and in supporting him through it I saw court papers which confirmed no safeguarding or abuse concerns.

Having been through that, and seeing how the court process works, I know it's not black and white.

I've split with EXDP now and we have DC from that relationship, and I would absolutely not get together with someone who was not seeing his DC, and doing nothing about it.

However if a dad with no contact was going through court and I saw evidence that there was no abuse, that would be fine. If he hid all that from me, I would see it as a red flag and bail out.

6 months after meeting his children you moved in together?

just over a year after having started dating?

whilst appalling for the ex to stop contact, bloody bell i’d be thinking… wtf this is fast moving!!

out of interest @Secondstart1001 how involved is he with the children you and he have together now you’re split?

@Starseeking yeah that’s not good to stop contact over a partner. We can’t control that. That’s the thing if the gf saw his court papers she would have read that he was found to be emotionally damaging to daughter and me. The judge commented on how scared we must have been living with him. I can only think she didn’t get to look and he told her what he wanted to.

sorry this meant for @Starseeking

We moved in together after about 1 year and 3 months of being in a relationship, and got engaged after being together for 2 years.

Out of interest, how long would you expect to be in a relationship before doing those two things?

That's my point; any woman dating a man with DC should be asking the right questions around contact/court etc.

@Firstnews24 He does EOW, and half school holidays (his choice). He never suggested 50/50, if he had I wouldn't have objected.

Even then, I wouldn't want the drama because if they're going through court and can't agree then it's not suddenly going to be peaceful and calm.

With all relationships people need to go slow and have eyes wide open but especially when there's kids involved. I think it takes a really long time to get a true picture of how people co-parent and whether you can see yourself being able to cope with that dynamic as well as living with someone else's kids.