Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

Well the underwear would seem to suggest that the sex isn't just cyber any more...

What do you want to do? It seems like this is a non negotiable for him, and you’re not happy with it (and that’s ok). Leaving him would be entirely reasonable. I’d also feel ashamed, but really it’s his shame not yours.

Surely this counts as cheating. Phone sex would be cheating. An emotional affair would be cheating. Paying others for online sex acts is a kind of prostitution, and certainly engaging in sex work. None of these is 'physically' cheating. Just face it that if you stay this will be your life and will likely escalate. Accept that or leave unfortunately. Sorry you are going through this.

Do you think the underwater is his or for someone else?

A friend of mine found underwater stockings etc and initially thought there was another woman. Turns out it was for her then partner.

Thanks everyone. I'm new to this platform and am not sure how to reply to individual messages, but wanted to add, it's men's undies, it's his. I had never seen them before and noticed two pairs in a drawer, one was unopened, one was still in packaging. I noticed the opened pair disappear on his last business trip, and was waiting for this business trip to see if the second pair would disappear. So there you go. Yes it's been an issue with him posting videos and making money with it several years ago. I stayed for a multitude of reasons. I'm really in a weird spot. I know that I should leave,I'm just not sure what to do first or what to do at all. I'll likely seek some professional advice this week while he is still away. I appreciate all of your comments, please keep them coming, it makes me feel seen. Thank you

He posts videos of himself wanking or sticking stuff up his arse or whatever - for money ?

Is his audience other men? I don't know many women who are into paying men to video themselves. Seriously- women don't need to pay!

Are you happy being with a gay prostitute??

This isn’t something I would be willing to put up with. Knowing someone is hiding so much from me abs has a whole other secret part of their life would just eat me up.

Im sorry @DarcyJames3 Please don't have shame for wanting to keep your family together. You've done this because you love your children and many of us tolerate for the sake of 'family'. There comes a time where you realise you only have one life and you need to make a decision on what you want. It sounds like you're at this point.

I think it may be helpful to have some counselling for yourself. You could do this online.

Make a list of questions and consult a family lawyer for advice this week. Make a spreadsheet of assets. You need to get practical. If you decide to separate, what is your income, where would you live? Where would your teens live - would it be one week with you and one with their dad?

Do you have a friend who you could confide in - you don't need to go into detail, you could just say that you think your marriage is over.

You can be hesitant about leaving. But look for couples therapy. Or something of that sort.
All the pp and yourself point to the same thing: it's not something easy for you to live with. It doesn't look too good for him either - a sexual interest he pursues without you... You two need to think.

Hold on - who is he videoing? himself?

Thanks ladies. I've been living with this for many years so it's not new, I think I've thought of every possible scenario. I appreciate your compassion :) I started therapy last month. I'm going to get my things in order before discussing anything with him. I am self employed, which is scary, so I need to get some legal advice this week. I think I always knew that this would resurface, and I'm in a better state of mind now to make some hard decisions, but it's still difficult to stomach. 25 years is a long time to be with someone and not know this big side of him. It's scary, to be honest. I'm very level headed and extremely patient, so I can wait things out until I'm in a better practical place. This is going to be a difficult year.

Also YES, of himself.

Book an appointment with a solicitor to see where you’ll stand when you divorce the loser. Take control of your life. You don’t need to keep allowing the man to treat you with such disrespect.
Think of the peace and freedom you’ll feel, in your own home, laughing with your kids, not fretting over some shitty bloke.
Get STD tested.

Oh dear god. Why are you still with this creep?

And as to "how does it feel to be with a male prostitute" well, it doesn't feel that good, as you can imagine. It's even more confusing when everything else in the relationship seems to have been going fine for years. It's a lot to take in.

Maybe STD testing is a good idea. It's so odd to think of him as a creep...he's such a terrific father and makes me laugh and all that good stuff. But this is not normal......right??? Other dudes don't all do this??? Or do they?? I've been in this so long I can't even think straight.

Uh omg I have read some grim stuff on here, but this is bloody gross. Please raise your bar and move on .. you deserve much much more.
Leave the grim wanker
Make a new start, why why why would anyone put up with this????

Does he run his own OnlyFans account or something along those lines?

No, other men do not do this.

It kinda seems a big jump to make from some new undies but I do believe you.

My first thought if DH did this would be no concern he just wants some new pants unless they are in some way fetish wear
My second thought would be having an in person affair
It would not cross my mind about cybersex but you know that he has done that before I guess.

It 100% is cheating in my book. Engaging in sexual activity in a clandestine way with people outside the relationship that you don't know about or consent to.

Absolutely you have to bin him off. It is so disrespectful to you. Let him worry about what to tell others. I would stick with he was cheating if people ask.

Cybersex is definitely cheating imo.

You deserve better than this, OP.

I'd not be tolerating this. I'd divorce him and if older DC asked why I'd tell them. He is disgusting and I'd not be covering for him. He sells himself sexually for money. What if your DC found and saw these images?

Thank you. Yes exactly, I found the images/videos years ago and we had some hard discussions and basically I stayed because of special needs kids and issues with that. I was in no place emotionally to think of leaving, and I think that his cybersex addiction played into my low self esteem very much. As you can imagine it has not been easy to continue a sexual relationship after finding that. This feels like the last straw. I know it seems like a lot to conclude from just undies but I know him and I know that this means he is continuing to do this. I'm completely freaked out. It definitely feels like cheating. I'm glad that in the past when this happened (5 years ago) I set some boundaries and now that I know he has violated those boundaries, I feel free to do as I need to do. I'm really scared.

I put up with it to keep my family together for the sake of kids. But they are older now, and more independent, so maybe this time I can put myself first. I am so out of practice, I don't really know how to. I'll get some legal advice this week, do some journalling, go to therapy and go from there....

Thank you. I feel like it's gross. I get really creeped out if I dwell on it. It really has altered the way I see him and if I'm honest, all men in general. Thanks for saying I need to raise my bar, I know I do, I just get sort of stuck in going with the motions. For example just this afternoon while driving I thought "It's not that bad, right? I can stay with this situation and pretend it never happened" and that's EXACTLY how I've talked myself into staying for years after the first time. It's like I forget that this is reality? Because it's not right in front of my face? I feel like something is wrong with me, because my cognitive dissonance is astounding. Please keep telling me this is NOT OK and that I can find my way. Thank you!