Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

YES self-efficacy, it's one of the six pillars of self-esteem. it explains why you can know that this is bullshit but not do anything about it. The lack of self-efficacy is the difficulty to believe that you have control over your own life/future.

I will research this, thank you!

Also...I'm starting to believe that I can't afford to leave. If it was just me I'd rent a room...but with kid and big dog there are no rentals I could afford. So depressing.

Do you love the dog enough to put it above your own happiness ? Who looks after the dog now when you are at work ?

I'm the only one who looks after her. I love her lots. I'm sure there are options....I'm just seeing roadblocks everywhere.

Why are you thinking you have to leave? If you can't afford anywhere, he can leave.
Alternatively you stay put while you divorce then sell the house and both buy somewhere smaller (assuming you own it).

You don't have to leave, it makes sense for him to go. If he refuses l would start divorce proceedings immediately and live separately in the house meanwhile.Luckily you have your own bedroom to retreat to. Stop catering for him and live like flat mates. lt won't be easy but it's doable until the house is sold.

Hi @DarcyJames3 which country are you in? You did mention you weren't in UK. Are you in US?

You need to start asserting YOUR rights and get into a mindset that this better life is what you deserve. Get the best future life possible for you and your child and dog.

Living like a house share will get your child ready for the split. You are married so you will have financial rights including pensions. What is your house worth?

This would definitely be a deal breaker for me . I was, however , interested in OPs comment about " not minding" porn , when you really mean you are happy for your DH to watch women ( many of which are coerced) who are selling sexual images / videos , but can't cope when your husband does similar .

Interesting point of view I had not thought of. I think it's the secrecy of it all that bothers me the most - like I don't really know HIS sexual orientation and I feel like I should as his wife. If he had told me this was something he really wants to do and it was not such a big hidden life, I may be ok with it.

Thanks, I think living separately under the same roof would be ideal. I will have to discuss this with him. I also need to RE READ this entire thread because I'm finding myself just wanting to sweep things under the rug and go back to normal again because I'm tired.

Don't giveup Darcy, you need to do this for you and your child. You've allowed him to get away with disrespecting you for far too long and you deserve peace and autonomy in your life. He won't change but you can.

Please don't get rid of your dog. You will need her x

A family I’m close to split - the Dc were teens then and both pushed and pushed for the details. They weren’t satisfied with a basic comment. They begged their DM to tell them what their DF had done. She found it very hard but did eventually tell them that he’d had an affair and who the OW was.

You might need to think this through as they might not be satisfied with a very basic comment.

Oh no, I would never ever get rid of my dog. Pets are for life.

Hello, it's been a minute, I just wanted to update for my sanity. I've been seeing my therapist more regularly. I realize that I'm stuck, spinning my wheels. We have worked out that I have a "fawn" response to diffuse tension. My husband has always used crying and being sad as either control or he really feels that, I can't tell. And I automatically fawn to restore peace. I've noticed myself doing that even in this situation.

I'm trying to forgive myself for taking my time to come yo terns with things. It feels like it's taking a ling time, and I'm wondering if that's because I have doubts about leaving. My daily life involves a lot of crying on his part and dissassociation on my part. He's either truly remorseful or full on hoovering, I can't tell the difference.

So that's what's up. I'm still stuck in my ambivalence. I feel like this is unfair to him and that makes me feel terrible, but I can't seem to hurry along my decision. I either haven't decided, or I'm scared to pull the trigger on my decision. My therapist wants me to uncover where the fear is. And I really don't know. I think it's complicated and that I'm wired to behave a certain way and need to change my behaviors, which us hard. In any case. With me luck.

Hi Darcy, been wondering how you are. That sounds tough. Recognising the pattern is the first step to changing it though.

Is he doing anything else other than crying? What is his plan to deal with his sexual compulsions?

Are you still in separate rooms?

Just be kind to yourself. You will know when is the right time to make a change.

Leave iv suffered this for 10 years n iv severe ptsd it's wrecked me totally !! I'm still stuck trying to get out !! I should off left the first time

Thanks! Seeing patterns is interesting and really does help, it helps me to stop and question my reactions/behaviours and choose to do something different. It has really helped.
And yes, still separate rooms. I have had my own room for years, and I would NEVER go back to sharing a room. In any relationship. I love having my own room. Highly recommend, even for happily married couples.

Oh! And other than crying, he said he's found a therapist. Not seen him go yet, though.
And I'm not really caring about him fixing it. I don't care anymore. So I guess there's my answer. I just can't seem to come around to being brave.

Thank you, I'm sorry you're in a rough spot still. Why are you still stuck? I don't know why I'm stuck.

I'm stuck because iv never had the courage or semf esteem to leave !! Hence my advice ...p.s I'm leaving him now n in the process your worth more x

Good for you that's awesome :) I think I'm not certain that I want to leave. I don't know if the cons outweigh the pros. I need some more time to think and plan and act. I can't imagine ever having sex with him again, so that's my main issue that keeps me grounded

If u can't imagine having sex with him again you need to leave .iv no interest in sex with my other half but that's because off what he's done online n what that's done to me !! I know it's hard