Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

You can do this, look after yourself. It will be tough, but you will be all right xxx

Oh gosh, this is gross. A secret seedy life. I mean this in the most respectful way but please, raise your standards. This is grim. It will eat away at you & it’s not normal.

Thank you. Yes that's it, a secret seedy life. He had apparently stopped cold turkey with no therapy or anything at all and we went on about life like nothing had happened. And now here we are, it was not over after all. He's a cyber security expert so there is no way I would have found out without that physical underwear evidence. I feel SO weird right now.

I think inadvertently some comments on here may come across as 'this is so gross and you're so gross for living with it'. So, in case you need to hear it (or read it!)... this is in no way your fault. You staying with him has not meant you're weak, or you're gross. You've done what you thought was best for your family.

I think you've now seen the light and you know yourself what you need to do. Have courage!

Thank you so much :) I wonder if part of my brain has shut a lot of it out just to sort of cope with daily life. I'm not sure how I'll reacte when I see him. I tend to under-react, and have a hard time feeling feelings. I'm not even angry or surprised. Just expected it, I guess. I can't believe this is happening. Again.

@DarcyJames3 Do you think it's about making money ?? or just getting a buzz from it- it surely is for the gay market as I can't see it's something many women would be into - I may be wrong! I understand how you feel about totally getting the ick though-my H was watching lesbian porn nearly every day, within 10 minutes of me going out in a morning- I know because I've always had the router monitored since our son was a teen - and I think he forgot I could see what goes through our wifi - I never said anything for a very very long while- just didn't feel the same way. This is awful though - yep it has to be decision time-

It's not about money, he makes a ton of money as it is. It must be a buzz or an addiction or repressed stuff. I had asked him in the past if he is gay or bi, he swore no but I'm not sure and I don't really care at this point. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel like I don't really know him.

Id hate this too, I can understand why you wanted to leave before but you couldn’t because of the kids. I suspect you’ve coped by putting this all into a box and putting it out your mind. So now it all seems a bit unreal.

If you want to leave, you need to get legal advice and plan it very VERY carefully. Men like him often hide matrimonial assets like savings and pensions, in bit coin or similar. You have a better chance of finding out when you are still living with him and can play detective.

LTB

I don’t know how you can accept this. Another vote for LTB

@DarcyJames3 I totally get that- I feel the same way- it's like you live with someone who isn't remotely what you signed up for. I almost envy people whose Hs are arses or seriously unpleasant- it's a much easier decision I feel - much harder when there is lots about them you do like- but a huge thing you really don't like.

LTB.
I give it 6 months after that before he comes out as gay, bi or even trans

Right and the thing is last time I said that if that was the case, I was ok with making things work for a while and being in an open relationship if that was the case. But that didn't go over well.
What does LBT mean??

Thanks. It's confusing. That's not the person I see in real life. This is so far removed from who I thought he was that it's really hard for me to realize it as real. I know it is, but I don't feel it is. I need to get my heart caught up with my head.

Sorry you're going through this.
I went through something similar, was completely blindsided by it. It was a long marriage like yourself, with kids, we (mostly me) tried to make it work and couldn't think of separating and the family breaking up.
However, it was never the same. He became worse, I feel he was trying to make me leave him to get the pity party and not look like a bad guy.
Anyway, long story short. I put a time limit to see if things would improve, during that time I got emotionally stronger. We have fully separated now and I feel so much better for it.
A lot of people on here are straight up, one chance and the husband is done but life isn't black and white. It sounds like you have tried and he hasn't.
It's really scary, it's a massive life change, but if you choose to separate I'm sure you will be happy, lighter and proud of yourself that you didn't let someone walk over you and keep disrespecting you.

LTB = Leave the Bastard

And yes, you should.

Also to add, that as time went on in our separation I found out a lot of other lies and betrayals. Hopefully you don't.
But he was also a 'nice guy's so the 2 didn't compute in my brain or I would try to justify it away. Once you have time out away from the situation you will see that there is a form of manipulation he has used to keep the peace.
And it is cheating and betrayal. There are many types of marriages however this is not something you are comfortable with and he knows it, so it's betrayal and he has repeatedly broken your trust.
You sound like you are doing the right things, please also trust your instincts, your gut is telling you it isn't right and you don't deserve this.
You said it's going to be a tough year, and yes it will but it will be a transformative year and by the end of it you will be in a much better place emotionally.
Hold your head up high, recognise how much you have tried to do to make the marriage work and keep the family together. He hasn't and that's on him. You are doing great and I'm so happy to hear you are getting therapy. It will help make you the strongest version of yourself.

@DarcyJames3 and always remember - it's his shame, not yours!

Were you really OK with agreeing to an 'open relationship' and him having sex with men on the side? Or did you feel forced into saying that? Allegedly some women are OK with this. I cannot imagine being OK with it myself.

From what you've written you aren't OK with this stuff at all and you should not have to make yourself pretend to be. Whether some other 'cool girl' might be OK with it is neither here nor there you have a right to assert your boundaries. This is a different ball park to him watching some online porn. It is definitely cheating and betrayal and he knows it because he has gone to lengths to keep it a secret.

Your suggesting that you don't know this side of him, but you do. He has been doing this for years. You've chosen sweep it under the carpet and stayed with him. He will continue to put his own sexual satisfaction above you and your relationship. It's up to you if you continue to tolerate that.

Just thought your teenagers or their friends could accidently stumble across their dad having a wank . The Internet is forever 🤮 🤮 🤮

I guess he must find it validating/ an ego boost to have people (men) pay to watch him and that's why he does it. Your average straight guy definitely does not do that. They are usually repulsed by thinking of other men in a sexual context.

I do think you will be happier not trying to push it away and pretend you don't mind when clearly you do. It's eating away at you inside and affecting your self esteem. You are going to feel so much better when you leave him.

So do you think he goes away to do this or combined it with work trips, or maybe does he do it from home?

Also from home, I'm sure. It used to be only from home. I'm really tired. This whole thing is exhausting. I'm terrified to confront him with this. I keep having to remind myself that it's not my fault. I'm trying to get angry instead of just panicked.

Exactly. SO scary.