Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

6 years ago. We went through a rough time after that. Although he had some issues prior to that as well, contacting other women, myself getting messages from strangers telling me he was looking for escorts. Lots of things. I'm pretty vanilla in bed but I'm completely open to trying new things, but he did not make me feel safe anymore. So it was very vanilla. And it's fine if that's not what he needs and he has weird fetishes and all that but he should have been up front about it and not hiding all this stuff that was extremely shocking.

I'm going to talk to him tonight, I think. I'm not sure how it will go. Wish me luck.

The more you say the more horrible this is darcy. You deserve so much better. Good luck tonight. Remember to hold on to your truths. Don't get rushed into anything and think of a holding line to use, something like "that's interesting, I'll have to think about that", to give you space if you start feeling pressured. This is no rush to resolve this right now, if he pressures you to do that, it's because he's looking out for his best interests, not yours.

Thank you. You ladies have no idea how much I appreciate and value your support, I check this site multiple times a day.
So I just spoke with him about how I know. He admitted to it but I didn't ask or care for details. That's enough conversation for one night. It's tense and awkward but I keep reminding myself that it is not my responsibility to fix the tension here. It's not fixable.

OK. Well at least he didn't try to gaslight you. That's a good start. Is there a possibility he is gay do you think? Did he tell you who he's been interacting with?
I'm wondering if you can get to a position where both of you can see the marriage isn't workable. That's the best way to achieve an amicable resolution for your child.

Well done for speaking to him

@DarcyJames3 yep- you can't fix it sadly- and sorry doesn't always make things right- nor does talking it through- because once it's in your head what they enjoy and are capable of it never goes away

I'm hoping he can begin to see that reality. He's really sad but I think he's just sad he got caught, because he's been doing this for well over a year, probably quite consistently. It makes me question every time I've ever been out of the house for an extended period of time, even just hours. It's also making me think about what this behaviour took away from us as a couple - the inability to connect, my needs not being met, clearly his as well, and the constant dishonesty that must have made him feel guilty perhaps, which resulted in him being paranoid that I was doing anything to HIM. I couldn't even mention another man without him talking about how I was gonna leave him. We used to have rows if a random guy commented or liked any of my IG posts. Big double standards all around.

I don't think he is gay but I definitely think he is at least bi and in full on denial or something. He will have to come to terms with all of that on his own, because I really think I'm super easy to talk to and very non judgmental, so he really could have opened up to me about it at some point. In any case. I don't know who he was interacting with, I'm assuming it was both men and women. Last time this happened he had built emotional relationships with these people.

Yeah that's the hardest bit. My ex was chatting to his favourite cam girls on line, telling them about the kids etc.
I had a lot of people assuming he just was not getting enough/the right sex and like I said, I kinda bought into that and tried to give him what he needed. But when I saw he was actually forming emotional relationships with these people I realised it wasn't about sex, it was about some other need. And I couldn't meet it because he wouldn't be open. Personally I think the whole paying for it/online nature was the attraction (with some kind of fetish involved). As I was a real life, non financially motivated wife I was never going to scratch that itch.

My ex refuses to acknowledge his role in our marriage break down so an amicable relationship is not possible for us. Plus I'm much wiser to his manipulative ways so staying low contact is healthiest for me.

Just realised I keep saying different things are the hardest bit! I think I must have compartmentalised to make it not seem all completely horrific! I was left pretty messed up by my marriage tbh

Thank you for sharing that. I agree with what you said. He really needs constant validation and attention so I think that's where this comes in for him. I can't even watch tv without him coming in and dancing around and trying to distract me from what I'm doing. It's always been an issue for me - the needing to be the center of attention at all times and to hog every conversation and to be the best at everything. I think he has a deep need for validation that I cannot fill. I don't think anyone could fill that void.

I get it now. I'll be very glad to hear what happened (if you want to share..

I don't get the boiling frog bit, could you explain lease?

Because these men push your boundaries very slowly, whilst demanding loyalty, so that by the time it's got really bad you have kids and feel ashamed that you've put up with it so long and people won't believe you could have put up with it, so might think you are lying.
It leads to a lot of shame and fear around leaving.

Although I think maybe you should share a bit about why you are interested as it's not always good to reveal these feelings to strangers who might use them for nefarious purposes

My ex used to do this too. I remember once being on the phone to my best friend who had called to tell me some fairly horrific news, he came in with flowers and then was offended that I didn't immediately bin her off to thank him
It'sall performative and not about what you need. I hear you x

I could see that happening here too in that scenario. Things are awful tense around here now.

@DarcyJames3 hope you are coping ok, I know weekends can be hard if he’s around more.

Did you manage to get legal advice ? I think it’s very important that you do that as early as possible. But DONT tell him that you’ve done so. Just as he is secretive about his online life, he will be hiding assets like savings and pensions.

Because it’s the same drive as the cyber sex - it’s about power and control.

Getting legal advice doesn’t commit you to anything.

The reason I’m saying this to you is that I had a different type of head fuck when I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a man who both worked with and had given him most of our savings.

I was so busy trying to sort out the immediate crisis ( H could have lost his job which we relied on to pay the mortgage and we had lost our safety net of savings) and the whole “ is he gay / bi / whatever / why didn’t he tell me / is it my fault “ stuff. And of course going for counselling / trying to not have a breakdown because of our kids .

So I didn’t even get legal advice for months . It didn’t occur to me that my husband ( who was crying and begging me not to leave, threatening to take his own life, he was so sorry etc etc ) was still taking our money for this guy he was cheating with. And for himself .

He took out loans on about 6 different credit cards, extended our mortgage and moved his very large pension ( which I didn’t know about ) overseas. By the time saw a solicitor and started to look for paperwork, he had hidden / moved most of our assets.

Then when we divorced, he claimed to have nothing and came after my pension and my savings , which were VERY modest compared to his. Eg his pensions was worth 20 times mine, but he still got half of mine and I got none of his.

He claimed to have less than £5 in the bank, so he got half my savings of around £6,000. Meanwhile he had given £80,000 to his affair partner.

You get the idea.

I was being strong and supporting my husband so he didn’t kill himself. And he was systematically stripping all our assets for himself. 😡

I can’t change what happened to me and my kids. But I can warn other women who are married to secretive, deceitful , lying , cheating, manipulative men who are very good with IT / finances.

I know you are scared and devastated now and don’t want to think about any of this, while it feels like your whole life is imploding 😥.

Oh my god. That is horrendous. What a horrible horrible man.
Another "worst thing" is seeing your husbands true colours and not being able to look back on any of the marriage the same way, because there's that feeling of never really knowing the person you were married to.
I hope you are doing OK now.

Thank you. Wow, what a nightmare you have been through. It's such a mind fk. I did see a lawyer while he was still away last week, and got good advice. I also made copies of all of our known financial and identification documents. And I've seen a counselor, so that's a start.
At the moment yup its the weekend and it's awkward. I feel sick, dizzy and have a migraine. We are both just trying to sleep most of the day...not easy with kids and pets. The lack of sleep is catching up to me.

How do you deal emotionally with all his crying and apologies???

Just look at him and silently , in your head, say “crocodile tears.”

Your husband, as you describe his behavior, shows some pretty clear traits of sociopathy. He’s not violent but he is indifferent to social norms, has grandiose ideas about himself, is entitled, secretive, manipulative, cruel, unempathic, charming, etc…

Read the story of the frog and the scorpion—your dh, obviously, is the scorpion. He will always turn and attack you in the end. The tears snd begging are just tactics in a war you can’t win if you let your guard down.

Thank you. It's exhausting. I keep feeling like I should be the one crying, not him. I'm not, though. I feel nothing. My therapist told me I have just pushed all this anger way way down for years. So now I need to work on that. I think he's crying nonstop for himself.

He's crying because he wants you to look after him and make it all go away so he can go back to the way it was, which suited him down to the ground.

It's not your job to fix this for him.

Thank you. I think I'm too empathetic. I've even caught myself apologizing to HIM. But I'm doing things differently this time and he's noticing, I think. I'm just trying to get up the courage to have another more serious talk about the future. I'm really freaking out a bit. I completely appreciate all of your supportive comments, it makes me feel less alone.

Well that was my problem. I was just paralysed by all his drama - the pleas, the begging, the promises to change , the swearing on out kids lives etc. All the manipulation of

you are the one who has changed my life / makes me want to stop
you are my only reasons to live, I can’t go on without you
if you take my kids away I can’t go on

oh and the promises! Everything I had ever asked him for ( to work less, spend more time with the kids, take a childfree weekend away, have a date night more than twice a year ) , he suddenly realised that he wanted these things too.

It was like when we first met, when we had shared our dreams about what we wanted and found that magically they were the same! I was overwhelmed as I’d been waiting for years for him to deliver on all these things.

But he claimed that he had now seem the light and everything would now be ok if only I’d do what he wanted. Which could be summed up as “ shut up, put up and put out “.

I know most of you are reading this and thinking “ tuckingfypo is the most gullible woman on the planet , she must have been very young and very stupid “

Im ashamed to admit I was neither. I was in my 40s with a post grad degree and holding down a good job.

I even went to counselling WITH him ( yes I know !!) and he pulled all the same crying / apologies / promises in front of the counsellor. She would even order me to go and comfort him in the sessions while he did this and she’d say stuff like

“ Well he’s said he’s sorry, what more do you want from him? “ and
“ Don’t you believe that people can change / in forgiveness ? “

In between, he had private sessions with the same counsellor when he told her all about his trauma and terrible childhood ( not saying it didn’t happen but none of his 4 siblings recognise his stories etc ).

Anyway the counselling was awful, he just manipulated both of us. Yet again he abused me and I paid the bill.

So I didn’t do any of the smart stuff eg

see a solicitor
Protect my assets
start moving money
get counselling alone
go back to work full time and make him pay for childcare
get him to do more around the house
tell my friends / family for moral support

All I did was EXACTLY what he wanted so he didn’t kill himself and destroy my kids lives etc .

Of course it was all an act - he didn’t ever see a psychiatrist or even his GP for his supposed mental health issues. He spent lots of our money seeing a private therapist twice a week, who I later discovered was supporting him in his “ alternative life “ and helping him” overcome his shame “ about his “open marriage “ etc etc . She even gave him coaching on improving his relationship with his affair partner.

Meanwhile all he was doing was buying time . He didn’t want me to leave at that point because the kids were young and he didn’t want to have to care for them but also didn’t want to look like the kind of dad that abandons his kids etc.

Also we worked together in our own business and so it was complicated financially to split. And he needed time to syphon off out assets and move them overseas, to set up another company and move contacts over to it etc.

So all I did was waste YEARS of my life trying to “ care for him” and be understanding and supportive and fix our marriage and protect our kids. While he continued in his alternative life and stripped out most of our money.

Then the day it suited him and he announced he was leaving, he dropped all pretence and become this evil heartless bastard ( who of course he had been been all along ). He walked out a few weeks before our oldest child sat their A Levels and hardly saw any of the kids again ( he sees them for a couple of hours a few times a year - he lives about 20 mins away ).

He quit his job and set up his own company , where he pays all his income as dividends to his new partner so he doesn’t have to pay child support.

He completely and utterly screwed us all over in the divorce, which was horrendous , cost a fortune and went on for years.

So the short answer to how I coped with the crying / apologies is “ Very VERY foolishly, please don’t be me. Learn from my mistakes “

Dude! What a nightmare situation! I'm so, so sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you got out. What an arse.
The crying is a lot. This morning he wanted a hug and kiss and I couldn't do it, I said no. He left, I got angry because HELLO we are not in a good place, why does he think I can just go back to normal? I have so much anger.