Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

Sending you lots of love xx

If you do confront him tell him a friend found him online. That might give him a fright.

What do you want to do? If you want to leave him then I wouldn't even bother to confront him. You know what he's doing. I'd just organise yourself. Go and see a solicitor, get advice and gather everything you need.

If you intend on staying then what do you think confronting him will do? You've been here before.

Or thrill

Fair point. Why exhaust yourself with a pointless confrontation. There's nothing he can say that will redeem this. Put your energy into planning and when you are ready just pack his bags and calmly ask him to move out.

Yes I understand that absolutely...but he will see a change in my demeanor, and expect hugs etc as husbands do. I'll have to explain myself at some point. I will delay it for a few weeks probably while I sort some things out. I'm just not sure how to uphold the charade for an extended period of time.

I am financially dependent. So that makes a difference. I need to be smart.

Thank you! It's nice to hear that you made it through to being independent and are ok! I hope I can get there in time.

I was financially dependent on my ex, only worked PT, and the main carer for a child with autism. All I can say is I'm grateful to benefits. I applied, got the help I was entitled to and I'm doing fine, truthfully I have more income because he was controlling when it came to our finances, I was told what to pay every month and I did, leaving me with very little or nothing which I spent on the kids. I didn't realise at the time it was a form of control, I thought it was just assumed roles in our marriage, but if I questioned him he would get moody or depressed to make me back off.... As much as it's another scary thing to learn I know it's giving me my independence back.
Its only been 6 months since we separated, and the divorce is still going on, the legal work, house sale etc and some days it's overwhelming. But even on those days I feel better than I did staying with a man who betrayed me on so many levels.... You already have taken the first step by realising you're not being treated right. You to will be in a better place in 6 months time. X

Oh wow! I'm sorry but I couldn't cope with that. Apart from a massive ice I would consider this cheating.

Thank you. What's a massive ice? I'm sorry I don't know that term. But yes, I do consider it cheating.

Think typo for ick

How horrible for you . His behaviour is absolutely not normal at all. This isnot a thing all or lots of men do. None of this is your fault, and you have every right to be devastated and absolutely livid. The shame is all on him, not you. Whatever the extent of what he's done, it definitely qualifies as cheating.

Obviously ending a marriage is not easy, but you deserve to be free of the disgust, worry and self-doubt he is making you feel. You can walk out of this relationship with your head held high. He can't. You have been way more than tolerant in trying to work through this and give him a second chance. He has thrown it back in your face.

@DarcyJames3 sorry- massive ick

Thank you, I truly appreciate your comment. I don't feel any anger yet and I'm not sure why I'm not mad. I have always had a very hard time feeling anger. Logically I know I should be angry, but I don't feel it. I am having a hard time accepting that this is my reality. He's going to come home and I'm going to see his face and be like "could he REALLY be doing this???? Again???" It's all so surreal. Thanks for saying it's not normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore, and I appreciate knowing that this is not it. My last therapist told me I had an "overwhelming capacity for understanding" and that she did not mean that in a good way. I'm afraid I'll never get angry, or never really be able to see this as reality, and make excuses for him again.

There are no excuses. Nothing that makes any of this alright.

And he will do it again and again. He's getting an ego boost, sexual pleasure and money!

He has shown how much he values you, your children and relationship.

Stay strong. Don't let this man erode your boundaries or self worth any further. You deserve to be happy and in a fulfilling relationship away from such insanity.

And, further more, I would honest with friends and family why your relationship broke down. Don't let him get away with - the we grew apart bollocks

Thank you. Yes, no excuses. You are right.

I will however, hide this from the majority. I do not want my kids to have to deal with this reality, it would not be fair to them, as their relationship with this parent is great. I will leave it as infidelity only if they ask and let that be that.

I understand the lack of anger. I'm not prone to it myself and I can easily imagine that in your situation I'd feel more baffled, panicked and disbelieving than furious. If you can't summon anger, maybe just look at it from a practical, realistic point of view. He is not prioritising you and your children. He has failed to stick to what he said, and probably never intended to stop. He will do this again. The only way to avoid this is for you to walk away. Getting angry probably wouldn't actually help anyway. Better to be calm, collected, dignified and determined.

Hello OP, while I cannot say I know how you feel, as I have not been in your position, I can say that I feel for you. This must be so painful and exhausting for you. However, I see you keep mentioning cheating and some other posters too, but is his behaviour itself as bad if not worse then cheating? I know that there are all kinds of people in this world, and none of us are exactly perfect, but what you described about your husband is really disturbing and weather or not he is also cheating or is this considered cheating, is beside the point, in my opinion. I have no doubt that he is nice and kind or a good father, but there is no way I would stay with him after I found this out. I hope you get out of there soon. Hugs!

Thanks! I know, right? Saying 'cheating' is just easier than getting into the seedy details but you're right, it somehow feels a lot darker.

Thank you! That's basically how I've been dealing with it, in a very logical manner. Which is helpful, because it's helping me get some things done that I need to get done. Keeps my mind busy with tasks, in any case.

Sorry but if you’re not that bothered about it then what’s the issue?

just because other people (me included) would be grossed out and offended by it doesn’t mean you should be, if you just aren’t then crack on 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry but if you’re not that bothered about it then what’s the issue?

I don't think the OP said she was not that bothered. But anger is not everyone's first reaction to an awful situation.

Thank you. I'm very bothered. I think I'm in a bit of shock. And I never really get angry (that's likely an issue in itself) but in any case....what's helping me the most is being reminded that this is not ok and that this is sleazy behaviour that I should not tolerate. I don't want to go through what I already went through. It was difficult enough salvaging some kind of trust after the fist offence (which, to be honest, was not even the first offence). So now I'm a fool if I stay. And oh boy, what a doozy.

@DarcyJames3 everyone reacts differently- I go inward in myself in situations and turn quiet and steely - not everyone lives like an episode of Eastenders!!