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Original poster

Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

249 replies

DarcyJames3 · 11/02/2024 15:44

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 14/02/2024 18:32

Crikeyalmighty · 14/02/2024 13:41

@DarcyJames3 everyone reacts differently- I go inward in myself in situations and turn quiet and steely - not everyone lives like an episode of Eastenders!!

Lol yes that is me too. Quiet and steely. Thanks for all your kind words and support and reminding me that I'm not crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 15/02/2024 14:02

Well, I've taken some steps and spoken to a friend and I'm feeling more in control of my situation. I appreciate all of your comments.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 15/02/2024 14:31

@DarcyJames3 yay!! Good for you

ThisDearLilacHelper · 16/02/2024 16:09

Just wondering have you tried engaging in cybersex with him?

If it's non-contact and a virtual thing, he's not showing his face, your physical safety is not at risk, then why not find a compromise, especially if everything else is good?

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 16/02/2024 19:59

ThisDearLilacHelper · 16/02/2024 16:09

Just wondering have you tried engaging in cybersex with him?

If it's non-contact and a virtual thing, he's not showing his face, your physical safety is not at risk, then why not find a compromise, especially if everything else is good?

Nope, never have. I have really no interest in doing that either. And it's virtual, but it's definitely not 'not showing his face'. He built years long emotional and virtual sexual relationships with these men (and I'm assuming women) and also has many other problems of voyeuristic nature from the earlier years of our marriage. Really creepy shit. There's no going back. I'm so completely turned off. And basically it's the complete lack of respect in that I already discussed with him that this was my limit and that this was my boundary and if he crossed it again we were through. And he crossed it anyways. He's also a covert narc so there's a lot of issues with gasligthing and stuff. I'm just so done.

OP posts:
Saladdressed · 16/02/2024 20:17

Hey OP, I went through similar with my exH and can relate totally. I didn't leave when I first found out about his activities (paying cam girls) and stayed for 5 years, buying into his rubbish that he'd stopped. Then found out he either hadn't or he'd started again.
I remember the feeling well, I felt like someone had smashed my shell off. Really numb and weird.
My advice is trust yourself. You'll know the right thing to do at the right time. If you can't leave right now that's OK.

Also get some support for yourself. Counsellor maybe. Start journalling.

Be careful about talking to him because ime there is quite a lot of manipulation and gaslighting that comes with this kind of thing and you need to stay focussed on what you think, not what he thinks.

Ultimately its likely he has some kind of fetish and won't stop, that's on him not you.

I thought i was ruined sexually by it but I met someone else and its a total revelation having a healthy sex life. You will too. Not all men are like this.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 16/02/2024 21:42

Saladdressed · 16/02/2024 20:17

Hey OP, I went through similar with my exH and can relate totally. I didn't leave when I first found out about his activities (paying cam girls) and stayed for 5 years, buying into his rubbish that he'd stopped. Then found out he either hadn't or he'd started again.
I remember the feeling well, I felt like someone had smashed my shell off. Really numb and weird.
My advice is trust yourself. You'll know the right thing to do at the right time. If you can't leave right now that's OK.

Also get some support for yourself. Counsellor maybe. Start journalling.

Be careful about talking to him because ime there is quite a lot of manipulation and gaslighting that comes with this kind of thing and you need to stay focussed on what you think, not what he thinks.

Ultimately its likely he has some kind of fetish and won't stop, that's on him not you.

I thought i was ruined sexually by it but I met someone else and its a total revelation having a healthy sex life. You will too. Not all men are like this.

Thank you so much. If it's ok, I'm sending you a PM.

OP posts:
ThePure · 17/02/2024 09:58

He doesn't involve you in this stuff does he? Ie post 'candid' pics/ videos of you without consent? I have known men with similar proclivities to do this and obviously this is a crime which you might consider reporting to police especially as that might be evidence against him in any custody proceedings

ColourByNumbers88 · 17/02/2024 12:43

Hi @DarcyJames3 how are you doing now? I assume he's back from his business trip. Did you manage to arrange some legal advice? Have you got a plan?

Stay strong. I'm sure he'll try to twist this. Keep notes so you can refer back to them if you start to doubt you are not doing the right thing.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/02/2024 14:20

@DarcyJames3 I think that's the thing isn't it lovely- it's such a total turn off - and once you no longer find them or their behaviour attractive- it doesn't matter how sorry they are - for most of us with decent self esteem and boundaries the 100% 'team us' never comes back.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 16:41

ColourByNumbers88 · 17/02/2024 12:43

Hi @DarcyJames3 how are you doing now? I assume he's back from his business trip. Did you manage to arrange some legal advice? Have you got a plan?

Stay strong. I'm sure he'll try to twist this. Keep notes so you can refer back to them if you start to doubt you are not doing the right thing.

I'm stressed right tf out. But it's ok. I'll survive. I'll give you guys an update in a week. I'm completely overwhelmed right now.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 16:57

I think its important to note that he is in cybersecurity as well as into cybersex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.. that makes him a huge security risk with respect to his employers.

Just to say that he delights in compartmentalization but he may not be able keep this going long term.

caringcarer · 17/02/2024 18:19

OP, my exh didn't engage in this type of behaviour your husband is. My exh cheated on me. I found out because he took OW to a very expensive restaurant he only took me to on my birthday or wedding anniversary. My friend was there with her DH. She saw my husband with OW, holding her hand and gazing at her. It ruined her evening and she came away and phoned me. I was on holiday in a caravan with 2 of our 3 DC. Eldest was at Uni. He was supposed to be joining us at the weekend. I cried literally all night. Then I rang my sister in the morning and we waited until he was at work and packed all his things up in black sacks and got locks changed. My BiL came over whilst I text husband to come home immediately. He came home and BiL told him to stay away from me. I didn't want to speak to him but he'd be hearing from my solicitor regarding divorce. Husband moved in with OW. That relationship broke up 6 weeks later and he wanted to come back but I wouldn't take him back. He got a bedsit flat. I told DC what he'd done too. I got divorce. It wasn't easy but I knew I deserved better. So do you. Get a divorce and I wouldn't hide his seedy habits from his DC either.

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 18:57

I don’t get the urge to expose his sex life to the children? Isn’t divorce in the UK “no fault” anymore? There is no need to do anything other than separate as incompatible. If his unreliability and deceptive nature impacts the children that will emerge. I’d split, tell him why, and tell the children daddy had other priorities. No need to piss in their relationship.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 19:43

caringcarer · 17/02/2024 18:19

OP, my exh didn't engage in this type of behaviour your husband is. My exh cheated on me. I found out because he took OW to a very expensive restaurant he only took me to on my birthday or wedding anniversary. My friend was there with her DH. She saw my husband with OW, holding her hand and gazing at her. It ruined her evening and she came away and phoned me. I was on holiday in a caravan with 2 of our 3 DC. Eldest was at Uni. He was supposed to be joining us at the weekend. I cried literally all night. Then I rang my sister in the morning and we waited until he was at work and packed all his things up in black sacks and got locks changed. My BiL came over whilst I text husband to come home immediately. He came home and BiL told him to stay away from me. I didn't want to speak to him but he'd be hearing from my solicitor regarding divorce. Husband moved in with OW. That relationship broke up 6 weeks later and he wanted to come back but I wouldn't take him back. He got a bedsit flat. I told DC what he'd done too. I got divorce. It wasn't easy but I knew I deserved better. So do you. Get a divorce and I wouldn't hide his seedy habits from his DC either.

Thank you, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know I deserve better. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 19:44

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2024 18:57

I don’t get the urge to expose his sex life to the children? Isn’t divorce in the UK “no fault” anymore? There is no need to do anything other than separate as incompatible. If his unreliability and deceptive nature impacts the children that will emerge. I’d split, tell him why, and tell the children daddy had other priorities. No need to piss in their relationship.

I fully agree with this. I would never ever drag my kid into our mess. He doesn't ever need to know specifics. I will die on that hill.

OP posts:
Saladdressed · 17/02/2024 20:04

DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 19:44

I fully agree with this. I would never ever drag my kid into our mess. He doesn't ever need to know specifics. I will die on that hill.

Show quote history

I thought this but actually stuff with my kids was easier when they did know. Before that ex had been in their ear about me leaving "to be happy" and they couldn't understand and were angry with me.
Mine were teens so old enough to recognise what cheating was.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 20:26

Saladdressed · 17/02/2024 20:04

I thought this but actually stuff with my kids was easier when they did know. Before that ex had been in their ear about me leaving "to be happy" and they couldn't understand and were angry with me.
Mine were teens so old enough to recognise what cheating was.

Show quote history

That makes sense. I guess I'll see how this plays out...and I may need to reveal something if necessary. I'd rather not, but I can see why you did that.
I hope you're doing well now. I'm really really scared of what's to come. He's acting extra needy and lovey dovey today and yesterday and I know it's because of guilt. It's not fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 17/02/2024 23:10

ThePure · 17/02/2024 09:58

He doesn't involve you in this stuff does he? Ie post 'candid' pics/ videos of you without consent? I have known men with similar proclivities to do this and obviously this is a crime which you might consider reporting to police especially as that might be evidence against him in any custody proceedings

No, no. Not of me. Of himself.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/02/2024 23:10

Saladdressed · 17/02/2024 20:04

I thought this but actually stuff with my kids was easier when they did know. Before that ex had been in their ear about me leaving "to be happy" and they couldn't understand and were angry with me.
Mine were teens so old enough to recognise what cheating was.

Show quote history

Even though mine were teens I used to get exh crying to DC saying Mum is so mean she won't give me another chance. She's the reason I'm not living at home anymore and she making me live in this (shit) bedsit flat. I didn't think it was fair. He cheated but then trying to make me be the bad parent, and manipulated our kids to feel sorry for him.

TruckerMother · 17/02/2024 23:59

Hello Lovely. I posted something similar about my OH a long time ago.
He was using live webcam girls for his pleasure when away with work, but his porn searches were getting younger and younger, amateur, teen, first time, virgin, high school girl etc etc. I found him on a Russian dating site, taking emails from women from it etc.
There is always more to it than even you have found.
So your man is giving his intimate self to others. This is cheating. Cybersex is cheating. I lined up my ducks for two years before leaving. But I did. You can too. Make a plan. take advise and stick to it.
Leave and have a life you deserve.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 18/02/2024 00:12

TruckerMother · 17/02/2024 23:59

Hello Lovely. I posted something similar about my OH a long time ago.
He was using live webcam girls for his pleasure when away with work, but his porn searches were getting younger and younger, amateur, teen, first time, virgin, high school girl etc etc. I found him on a Russian dating site, taking emails from women from it etc.
There is always more to it than even you have found.
So your man is giving his intimate self to others. This is cheating. Cybersex is cheating. I lined up my ducks for two years before leaving. But I did. You can too. Make a plan. take advise and stick to it.
Leave and have a life you deserve.

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that as well. I'm really nervous about falling into the trap of feeling sorry for him and forgiving him yet again (this is our pattern because he really puts on the pity party victim thing). I'm trying to remember that this is not my fault, I gave him a second chance already. And I still feel like maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have been more adventurous or something.

OP posts:
TruckerMother · 18/02/2024 00:26

It is entireley HIS fetish. He has probably had it all his life and working away gives him opportunity he never had previously. Never blame yourself. It is NOT your fault.
What I have learnt is that these men have no regard for women. Not their wives, partners, or women in general. Women are nothing more than receptacles. Objects of fantasy. So much is accesable to them now. It is a very horrible and sad world now that at the press of a key men can literally order whatever they fantasize about and make it reality.
I could not look my OH in the face without visualising what he was watching. He looked at me and i saw the teenage girls looking back at me. How dare he. How dare your OH look at you without shame.
HOW DARE HE!
Pity him.

Original poster
DarcyJames3 · 18/02/2024 00:29

TruckerMother · 18/02/2024 00:26

It is entireley HIS fetish. He has probably had it all his life and working away gives him opportunity he never had previously. Never blame yourself. It is NOT your fault.
What I have learnt is that these men have no regard for women. Not their wives, partners, or women in general. Women are nothing more than receptacles. Objects of fantasy. So much is accesable to them now. It is a very horrible and sad world now that at the press of a key men can literally order whatever they fantasize about and make it reality.
I could not look my OH in the face without visualising what he was watching. He looked at me and i saw the teenage girls looking back at me. How dare he. How dare your OH look at you without shame.
HOW DARE HE!
Pity him.

Thank you! Yes how dare he is absolutely right. UGHHHH.

OP posts:
Saladdressed · 18/02/2024 00:36

TruckerMother · 18/02/2024 00:26

It is entireley HIS fetish. He has probably had it all his life and working away gives him opportunity he never had previously. Never blame yourself. It is NOT your fault.
What I have learnt is that these men have no regard for women. Not their wives, partners, or women in general. Women are nothing more than receptacles. Objects of fantasy. So much is accesable to them now. It is a very horrible and sad world now that at the press of a key men can literally order whatever they fantasize about and make it reality.
I could not look my OH in the face without visualising what he was watching. He looked at me and i saw the teenage girls looking back at me. How dare he. How dare your OH look at you without shame.
HOW DARE HE!
Pity him.

Such great advice! 👏 👏 👏