Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

Thank you. I can't imagine having to put up with this for the rest of my life. It will likely escalate, as well. And I'm sure there's a lot that I don't know about. He's lied directly to my face about this stuff. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts with it this time.

I'm not sure that I can hold off on the confrontation. I'm mad today and he keeps trying to grope at me or snuggle or whatever and I'm so repulsed and I cannot keep pretending.

Eugh how confusing, you"ve probably nearly gone quietly crazy doubting your actual reaction to this. Take yourself back two decades. What would you have felt if your friend told you this? Feel that. Don't talk yourself out of it.

Get turned off by his shabby, seedy secret life. Ick doesn't even begin to cover it. Get turned off and ALLOW yourself to have reaction to that.

Don't push water uphill and don't gaslight yourself.

Xxxx

Thank you. I definitely have the ick and I can't ever remove that. I'm just scared. I've mentally crafted like an alter ego named Darcy to talk to me the way I need to listen. If that makes sense. It actually helps.

I bet you're scared. Change is scary. I think they say change for the better is scary!

You have to act in alignment with your own values.

I am not merrily typing "leave him" I left aman with two kids so I know it's not easy, but you have more peace in yr head even if there are practicalities to contend with 24/7 for 6 months!

[Hug]

Thank you. I am so worn down from the last time this happened. I don't think he realizes that I have thought about it every day since. I'm tired. I'll maybe talk to him tonight...I'm not sure. Our child is always home so there's no time to have a chat when child is away. I'm so disappointed.

No confrontation yet but the anger has come in. I am RAGING in my car and in my head and it feels so nice to actually feel anger. And now I'm noticing all of the manipulation tactics he pulls, the biggest one being playing the full on victim in any situation that he wants to manipulate. And I've always felt guilty and given in. Well not this time. It feels nice to be feeling some control over my life. I was so hopeless for so long.

GOOD! the anger can be almost terrifying in its intensity when it kicks in. When you've been half-anaesthetised, half-blind, the anger protects you from collapsing back into that distorted narrative that minimised what you weren't happy with. I know that there's a lot of McBuddhist memes out there pressuring us to feel zen, and um also, Christianity! Forgiveness Forgiveness, but first, feel the ick, feel the anger.

People take action when they're angry. Anger has a purpose. People who don't feel angry aren't galvanised. This anger is from DEEP within, It's you sticking up for you.

xx

YEEESSS! Hang on to that. Just noticing what's happening is a big step forward.
Did something in particular trigger this?

Just ruminating over past problems that I continuously swept under the rug. A BIG BIG problem for me was that when I was postpartum he started a model photography business that I was fully against and that he just plowed forward with as if my feelings did not matter. Remember that breaks my heart.

God. Its so hard when the lid comes off the box. Be kind to yourself, you were trying to make your marriage work.

https://weenawise.medium.com/the-covert-narcissist-guide-1e46959a6bd1

You might find the opening paragraph helpful - I did. Sorry the rest is behind a paywall but it's a great article

I visited an attorney and got many details. I'm so exhausted already from all of this. Any of you been separated? Any of you been separated but also living in the same house? I have a friend who went through this, I will reach out to her. I'm so afraid I won't have the backbone to actually go through with this. But I'm so unhappy and I can tell he is too. Our house has been so tense these days. This can't be good for kids, either. I'm not a religious person, but I've been praying for strength.

Does he feel shame if his children were to know about this behaviour? Isn't that enough for him to stop?

Unfortunately no, I don't think it would be enough. I think he has a full on addiction and will not stop. I will be talking about this with him today or tomorrow. I need to get into the right mindset. I think I'm PMS ing, so that really helps, to be honest!

How were you able to continue sleeping with him during those two years? I have been forcing myself to the past several years, and after this infidelity I don't think I can force myself anymore. My body cringes and recoils from him instinctively.

If it's an addiction then it suggests some mental health issue, it may be hard to accept, but it may not be his fault entirely, rather a sickness. He really needs professional help. Is he able to reflect and accept professional help to resolve it? If he's not able to reflect and get professional help, you have done the best you can.

If it's not an addiction and some kind of alternative lifestyle and fetishism, "hobby", are you ok with that? What if he was playing dungeons & dragons instead with this group?

No way should you sleep with him if you don't want to. Just have a permanent headache

I understand this and absolutely he has severe anxiety and other addiction issues (alcohol) but honestly I have given this all I have. At this point he has to take some responsibility for his actions and for his lack of self-help, knowing he has severe anxiety. Being repulsed by him now ensures I can probably not go back to this. I think its my turn to be high maintenance.

Lol yes that's what I've had for the past two weeks. But it's definitely time to talk. I'm SCARED AS F!#K of being suckered back in through guilt.

No need to be guilty. Just be clear with him about why you want to leave, and how things can be rescued (professional help on all issues), and a strict deadline (milestones, booking the help, attendance, monitoring). Meanwhile, prepare the logistics of separation (if legally married, add all your assets/savings and minus debts/loans and divide what's left by two, for estimate of what you have). Research accommodation and living arrangements, if house or tenancy in both names, it maybe easier for both of you to move out/sell than fight over who stays.

Oh poor you. I've been there too. Looking for ways I could make it better, plus some guilt tripping from him that I was "too vanilla" and that's why he'd gone elsewhere.
It's really damaging to be having sex you don't really want. Listen to your body, please

It is not high maintenance to have boundaries. Most people wouldn't tolerate this. I'm guessing you have been through "boiling frog" and not told people what's been going on because by the time you realised he had done a number on you and you didn't want to be "disloyal".
Hes not been faithful. He's not been a good husband.

Where are you getting "high maintenance" from? You sound the opposite

How long ago was it when you found out and confronted him? Have you been in rather a sexual desert ever since?

What does that have to do with anything? I hope you aren't about to start "men have needs" waffle. Maybe I've misunderstood though

The boiling frog analogy is perfect!