Husband is a cybersex addict - need advice

[DarcyJames3]

Hello all. My husband is a cybersex addict and a possible voyeur. Every 6 years or so I catch him doing something that I can't wrap my head around. I don't think he's ever physically cheated on me, but my trust is eroded.
I have a lot of shame for staying with someone who has put me through this. We have been together for 25 years and have teenage kids. He just left for a business trip this morning, I know the trip is legit. He had some fancy underwear hiding in a drawer for the past few months. I had a feeling they would be gone today, and I checked, and they are gone. I know now that in addition to the business trip, he is engaging in video cybersex yet again. I don't mind porn at all, but the last time we went through this, I told him that I cannot handle him putting his own self on video for others to see. So here we are now. He's gone for a few days so I can stew on this. Please let me know what you would do, and what my next steps should be. I just need someone to talk to. Thank you.

That’s very possible I’m afraid 🙁

It's ok. It's nothing he doesn't know, I guess.

It's not OK Darcy. You have a right to privacy and the space you need to consider your own thoughts and responses.
If he is reading your messages, that's an invasion of your privacy, it's controlling (as he can't stand the idea of you having thoughts of his own) and just more evidence that this isn't a healthy relationship.
I agree with tucking though, it's fairly par for the course I think. Be careful.

I feel so old to be considering leaving. I'm in my 40s, I feel ancient.

@DarcyJames3 I was 50 when we separated. It's a very common thing to happen at this age.

You've got half your life left to live, so live it wonderfully not saddled with the stress of living with this man. You've already given him too much of your time.

You’re only halfway through your life, and probably only a third of the way through your adult life.

Please don’t waste any more of it trying to accommodate him. He is a human drain, draining your happiness, your time, your life. You deserve more.

He just sort of lost it crying and being so very upset about how we are living like roommates and he doesn't know what I want. I feel numb. I feel like something is wrong with me because I feel numb, and he's sobbing. It was NOT the right time to have a big talk, because my kid was coming over with all of his friends, one of whom is staying the night. Not the right time. But boy, did I feel guilty about his sobbing, and him feeling so sorry and telling me I'm his whole world and he adores me etc. I'm sad I think. I can't tell anymore. I said we could talk another time, this was not the time. It was not fun though. I've been getting panic attacks and headaches a lot. I booked myself massages and a therapy session next week. I feel a lot of pressure to tell him everything that's on my mind like NOW but I just need to really know what I want to say. I'm second guessing myself. I feel terrible.

You are doing really well.
The numbness is all part of grief...you're grieving the end of the relationship.
You don't need to feel anything,let your body go at its own pace.
And you don't need to tell him anything until you're ready.
Treat yourself kindly - massages and therapy sound perfect.

Eugh, he's either wanking, crying or emotionally manipulating you.
You've gone off him? Hence the numbness. I've experienced something similar where I cared so much I torn in half until something somewhere inside me snapped and I felt llnumb like I was observing a performance which led to all of his needs being met at my expense.

I think the numbness is protective. It's the equivalent of "freeze" in the fight, flight, freeze, appease response to danger.

I felt very numb too when I was realising what was going on. My experience was that preceded the realisation I had to leave for my own protection.

Keep going

@Saladdressed is right. The numbness is a kind of dissociation, a freeze response since he trapped you with his crying snd tried to stampede you emotionally into mothering him/taking him back.

His crying (child part/victim part/helpless part) tried to engage your maternal part/caretaker part/rescuer part. Numbness let you back away and reasses snd end the interaction without rescuing him from the consequences of his behavior.

Take a deep breath! Straighten your shoulders (lift them up and down a couple of times, put your hands behind your back snd put your shoulderblades together, turn your head from side to side). These sll tweak your mind/body and let you know you are safe, danger has passed, and you can bring your wise self online and go back to doing what needs doing.

You did well! He will switch it up in a blink and go from wailing and weeping to threatening. So get ready.

I think you might find this podcast episode interesting. The reddit link is just because there are several links to places to listen to it

https://www.reddit.com/r/Estherperel/comments/1528mce/esther_calling_am_i_being_gaslit/

Stay strong Darcy, l've just read the whole thread and am in awe at your patience and resilience. Don't let him wear you down and guilt trip you, the numbness is a protective shield, see it as having your armour on ready for the battle ahead. Ignore the weeping and wailing and shut yourself in your bedroom if you need to escape. When he's hanging around give him a job to do and be brisk and business like with him, do not offer sympathy and keep it strictly formal. You can do this!

If he is a cyber security expert, who has historically lost his shit about a man ‘liking’ your IG posts then I would say that it’s almost guaranteed that he is tracking all of your devices and online activities. If he is a big expert in this field he probably has the house rigged in some way as well.

The constant sobbing, clinging to you and never leaving you alone is his narcissistic version of mental warfare. IT’S AN ACT, it’s designed to wear you down over time and frankly, it’s working - as here you are, weeks/ months later and still unable to even confront him properly or think straight.

If you don’t demand headspace and get away from him his campaign of self pity is going to go on and on and on, until you capitulate. Or, you pick yourself up and don’t keep falling for it.

Do you want to be looking back in 1, 5, 20 years and still be sat there watching this pathetic, manipulative little cretin with his crocodile tears and narcissistic cyber-life reel you in again and again?! NO!

Please OP, stop wasting any more of your precious ONE life on this black hole excuse of a man and find a way to leave.

You can do this!💪

Thank you for your view on it - I know he has the capability but I'm not feeling threatened in that way. However I can see how the emotional manipulation has affected me over time, and how this is his go-to. Crying and over the top sadness has been his way to reign me back in from anything in the past - that or stonewalling. It's interesting to view it from this more detached point of view now. I can feel sometimes that I am becoming affected by it (as is the norm) and when that happens and come on here and re-read a lot of your messages to get my head back in shape. So far I feel different this time. It's a long haul though. I can see that this is not a quick fix regardless of what happens.

Thank you. Yes he is upset that he feels like we are roommates. But. You reap what you sow.
Lol thanks about the patience bit - it's one of my best qualities, to my detriment I'm sure. But I still value patience. I can play the long game very well.

Lol that "he's either wanking, crying or emotionally manipulating you" makes me laugh every time I think about it. It's so ridiculous when I see it in black and white.

Don't be scared, get angry !
get angry at how he is treating you

find yourself a solicitor
get your home valued - if it is a bought one and not rented
decide what sort of childcare split you would be agreeable to / what you think he will want
look up the CMS calculator and see how much he would be having to pay

one task a day every day he is away

@DarcyJames3 open new bank accounts (not online, go into banks) remove at least half if not all from joint accounts, buy new mobile with new number and do not give him access. dont use it in the house if he can access what you do on it. then just go to a solicitor and file for divorce and child maintenance on monday. (perhaps visit the nearest larger town for a good solicitor who does family law.) There is absolutely no need for you to let him hang around any longer. you should throw him out and demand the house due to his unreasonable behaviour/

Thank you! I've done all of these things. Now I think I need to take care of me. There is nowhere for me to go yet. But I'll get there.

I appreciate the advice. I did open a new account and a new credit card. However I'm not doing the other things yet...I am definitely not someone who does anything in a hurry and I have a nasty habit of considering absolutely every angle before pulling the trigger on anything. I have my ducks in a row for now...I still feel no anger (and no joy..so there's no feeling) and I need to work through that with my therapist. He needs to give me space to make sense of my feelings and come to terms with my new reality. I am also in no financial position to be capable of refinancing a mortgage in my name OR finding a rental anywhere in the school district, as I have no real recent job history. Hence my getting a new job recently. There's just a lot to do first before I discuss who is going to live where. I need to get my mind in the right place. I think I'm on the right track. It's not a fast track, but I think I'm doing ok.

With a new bank?

Cos if the new account is with existing bank, they'll list it in statements I think.

Yes with a new one :)

Make up your mind and let your feelings follow after. Basically you know this situation cannot continue. You can never go back to pretending this is a real relationship that works for you. He is now just a clingy, dangerous, liability. So put your head down snd figure out what you need to keave with the largest share of assets and resources you can.

Yes, you are correct. This reminds me of that thing where they say that courage comes from doing the actions. I have found that taking the steps has given me more courage. I am trying to do something every week to progress. I like being reminded that I cannot go back. Some of the things you ladies have said really stick in my mind, and I use them like mantras when I'm feeling weak. Thank you!