Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

Bump 🥴🥴

Do what suits. If you want to.meet say so. If someone took 5 weeks to reply to a text, I woukd not be hanging around yo be honest. Don't be surprised if he is talking yo or has someone else

@BCBird - yes I thought that might be the case. But I don't know why he replied initially saying 'wonderful let's get a meet up arranged'

Because in this case, since you are the one who initially ghosted him, it's on you to make the arrangements.

And I say that as a person who would never normally make the first move with a bloke. But you have massively flaked, so now you need to make the arrangements, not leave it to him.

@ChristmasFluff - well I did technically by messaging back and saying I would like to go out. He seemed keen then just didn't reply. Sigh. I have such a hard time figuring out what to do in these situations.

But maybe yea I need to actually say so when shall we go out then?

I’ll be honest, if someone from OLD 5 weeks to reply to me, I’d presume they were dating other people and I would have long deleted.

Ive been told I come across as quite aloof and cold but I’m not just reserved until I get to know someone. But I’m aware of this and made sure I let them know if I’m keen.

Personally, if I said to someone let’s meet up and their reply was ‘ok good’ I might see see that a closed response and expect a bit more back. Especially after you essentially ghosted him. Maybe more along the lines of ‘ok good when suits you’ - your reply could be taken as a bit curt tbh.

No harm in dropping him a message saying let’s set a date see how he responds?.

Him saying 'lets get something planned' was your cue to say 'great, I'm free on x, y or z date if any of those dates work for you?'

I can understand why he's being a bit cautious if you initially took 5 weeks to reply. If someone had done that to me my reply would have been 'okay, thanks for letting me know' and not followed it with an opener for keeping in touch. I'd have assumed lack of interest initially and being a second choice when other plans fell through, despite an explanation.

So if you do want to meet him, you need to seem a bit more keen than you're currently coming across like - yes, your family/friends are right, it does come across as aloof/disinterested. You do sound like you don't really want to/can't be arsed to date - but that's nothing to do with reading someone else's signals.

@SamW98 - perhaps I have missed the boat and he is seeing someone else now. So I'm not sure why he even responded.

And yes, quite a few people have said to me about being aloof/standoffish. I think it's nerves with me.

And yes I thought maybe my 'yes okay good' was perhaps a bit short so was going to follow up with 'sorry, incomplete sentence, I meant to say yes good let's plan something'

@WitheringTights000

I meant maybe he saw you taking 5 weeks to reply as you dating other people and that he’s the fall back you kept in reserve.

In your shoes I’d definitely message and try and arrange a date. What is there to lose?

Just message again and see what he says. You've nothing to lose if you actually want to see him

I think “yes okay good” is a bit lukewarm and gives the impression he will have to do all the work. If you wanted to see him again after blanking him for 5 weeks “yes sounds good - I’m free on the following, would any of those work for you?” might have sounded better.

@DatingDinosaur - yes that's what I mean by not being able to read things well that others can. I thought he would have been the one saying to me 'can you do such and such a date' if he is keen.

I always feel like when I do try to appear keen with someone it just backfires and they take the piss, men seem to chase more if you are not that keen.

You've gotten off to a really poor start, and you haven't been very kind to this guy, honestly, so stop jerking him around and reach out to set up a date. If he says no, you can't really hold it against him.

@Aquamarine1029 - im just generally very weary of men I think. Don't like to show my interest too soon as it always backfires on me.

He definitely seems like a multi dater type

He definitely seems like a multi dater type

Why does that matter and how is this a "type?" People usually have to date different people before finding someone they want to commit to.

@Aquamarine1029 - yes that's true. I think I'm just very, very sensitive to rejection. So I'm afraid to reach out in case he doesn't reply.

But he’s not replying now so at least you’ll know one way or the other.

Honestly with what you’ve said, I imagine he thinks you’re not interested and so the ball is in your court

We're all sensitive to rejection OP. In this particular case, the ball is firmly in your court. If you can't face the rejection, tell him you've changed your mind. And move on.

Have you tried to decode the signals you're giving out rather than signals from the guys you are confusing the hell out of?

They're not mindreaders. They don't know you're nervous. They don't know you're sensitive to rejection. They don't know that's why you're ghosting and flaking and being weird. To them it just looks like you're disinterested or bored. Or playing games with them. So they proceed with caution. And rightly so, IMO.

@SamW98 - yea but two messages being ignored is worse than one being ignored.

@DatingDinosaur - he did ask me before what I am looking for and asked if I am too nervous or shy to say. He on the other hand is very confident.

So I just assumed with his confidence he would have no issue with messaging back and arranging something.

What? Before you ghosted him for 5 weeks?

Him being confident only means that he's willing to take a chance. NOT that he's going to ask you out after all the signals he's got from you show boredom and disinterest. He's letting YOU set the pace. In this scenario, it really is up to you to offer up some suggestions on when you're free to meet otherwise he'll just think you're playing games with him and he'll move on.

He's giving you a second chance. Most blokes wouldn't. So are you going to flake on him again or suggest a couple of days you are free to meet?

If he ignores you then you kinda have to take it on the chin and move on.

So I just assumed with his confidence he would have no issue with messaging back and arranging something.

But why would he bother when his suggestion of meeting was met with your indifference? You’ve pretty much shown him you’re not bothered so why would you expect him to chase you again?

I’ll be honest, it’s not you misreading signals, it’s the ones you’re giving out that are telling him you’re not interested.

If you want to meet him it’s absolutely on you now otherwise stop messing the guy about and both move on.

@DatingDinosaur - yes before the 5 weeks of not talking he did ask me if I am nervous and shy! So he knows this is an issue.

@SamW98 - yea I am going to reach out and see if he wants to go on a date. I just hope he responds haha

I'll say this politely, but you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill here.

I know for a lot of people you're either naturally good at communication and knowing how to keep a conversation going, or you're not. But really, it isn't difficult to take a bit of impetus.

Switch it around, and how would you feel if a guy you'd matched with hadn't replied for five weeks, and then in one of the messages since simply sent a brief three word message that doesn't do anything to further the conversation? You'd probably think you were wasting your time.

I get being wary about men, but honestly, you're going to struggle to meet anyone through OLD if you're unwilling to put the slightest bit of effort in to keep communication flowing.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

I texted him and we went out on Friday night. We were there just over three hours, had drinks.

I'm just not sure what to do going forward.

He text me within 30 minutes of us leaving each other to say it was lovely to meet me at long last and did I get home okay (even though he put me in my taxi lol)

I saw it come up on the front screen of my phone but I responded the following morning (12 hours later) said yes, did he, thanks for the drinks.

He replied quickly saying morning, he enjoyed his walk home but it was colder than he expected and asked if I was squeezing in any shopping that day? ( I told him I like to shop)

I said I might have an online browse but will try not to buy. And asked if he was going for a run ( he likes running)

He replied to say he has already been on one and done a 5k-great way to start to the day 😅'

I read it and didn't reply. I don't know whether to bother, I'm thinking cause he didn't ask another question he isn't interested

Should I message at some point in the week?

Would appreciate any advice, it was my first ever Tinder date and I've been out of the game a long time ( like ten years) lol

I would try and worry a little less. Just drop him a casual text this week asking how his week is going! He’s not asked you another question so you’ve not replied… he’s probably leaving it up to you to text as you haven’t messaged him since!