Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

@jolies1 - do you think it's a bad sign he hasn't asked me out again?

It could mean either… it’s early days. But he might be getting a bit frustrated if you keep waiting hours to reply to him or don’t respond to his messages, not everyone can be bothered this early if it feels like hard work. Just text - what’s the worst that can happen?

@jolies1 - I just didn't think there was anything to reply to so that's why I didn't reply!

If he was interested he would probably be keen to have locked in another date by now 😢

OP with all my respect it took you five weeks to reply to his text. Either you forget or make a move but the ball is in your court.

I wouldn't have replied to your text after five weeks. Not a chance, not even if he is the Emperor of the far away galaxy. A txt take less than one minute.

@Epidote - please read my update I went on a date with him! 🙂

He might do but I think you need to put a bit of effort in too if you want to see him again tbh! It’s not just his job to chase you if you aren’t very forthcoming / chatty. If I was him I would be thinking you weren’t that interested in me.

Is the texting so soon after leaving me a good sign?

I am hopeless with this dating stuff ffs 😅😅

OP, kindly, you’re trying to read too much into his responses or lack of them after 1 date and leaving him hanging for 5 weeks. You haven’t given him many signs you’re interested in him, he’s probably holding off a bit too. I do think both people need to make an effort at first to keep the conversation going, it’s not just up to the man to do the chasing.

If you are interested in a second date, text him to start up the conversation again, he might suggest a date, if not put on your positive pants and suggest one yourself. If you’re not keen enough to do that then move on. If he says no to a second date or conversation dries up again you can move on but you do keep leaving the fella hanging.

@jolies1 - I find though generally if a man is keen, he won't mind chasing. He also won't mind double texting!

I feel that message was his way of shutting down the conversation for good tbh .

Tbh, it's miraculous he's hanging in there as you are putting rock all effort in, and coming across as quite rude with your delayed replies. Still you wait for him to repeatedly put effort in while getting little back from you. Ever considered that taking it in turns should be the way to go? If he arranged the first date, you should arrange the next as its your turn. You're taking this aim to avoid chasing too far the other way. If you play too hard to get, any man worth his salt will give up. This begs a question of why he's still there, and yea, he probably isn't that bothered and it's easy to fit you in around others as you are so lax about it. You are actually making it so that only people who are not fussed either way would stick around, such is the level of your poor communication.

@WitheringTights000 Good then!.

@Opentooffers - I don't think my effort is that minimal. He is the one who have a short response. And I did tell him on the date that I get a bit nervous with dates, so he should know that and therefore not mind being the one to make the moves first.

If you like him and want a second date thrn ask him. All this reading into stuff is exhausting.

@RedHelenB - I know. But I still maintain that men who are genuinely interested won't have an issue with being keen and chasing a bit!

There’s a difference between a bit of chasing and waiting 5 weeks for someone to reply… most men won’t continue to chase someone who shows little interest back - why waste their time? He texted you pretty much straight away after your date. Game playing doesn’t tend to work once you’re a bit older, especially with OLD men don’t have to keep continually chasing people who are hard work, there’s plenty more fish! If you hadn’t left it so long initially he might have been more eager.

Hey OP, I'm a man and you're half right, if I'm interested then I'm happy to do a bit of chasing. But I'm not going to chase someone who doesn't seem keen themselves.

You've messed this guy around a lot, and not done much to show you're interested in him. I think you need to be the one to organise the next date here.

@jolies1 - yes but me waiting 5 weeks didn't seem to bother him because as soon as I text he was very keen to go out on the date.

If it had bothered him he wouldn't have agreed to go out initially!

I just don't get why he was so quick to text me after the date and the next day if not keen

@Bobbotgegrinch - see! I knew it...men will chase if they like you. But I'm not sure why he was so so quick to text me after we left ( literally within 30 minutes) and he put me in a taxi so not like he wouldn't of known if I had gotten home or not.

And then his first message back the next morning was very fast and keen, despite me not letting him know for 12 hours if I got home. It was just the last message was a tad brief.

Op you aren’t ready to date yet. This is all so complicated and the poor guy hasn’t done anything wrong yet you’re judging him. You asked him about running and he answered. Just because you’re shy doesn’t mean he has to do all the running. If you want to see him again ask him for coffee or food. We are in a modern world stop making excuses for being lazy and ask him. If not leave it as you clearly aren’t ready to date .

This isn’t you being hopeless at reading signals, it’s you overthinking, over complicating and reading too much into every tiny message.

It really is simple, if you want another date with him, ask him and stop game playing. You’re putting in the bare minimum effort, waiting to respond to his messages and expecting despite lack of enthusiasm that he should be chasing you.

Men are simple creatures, they like to know where they stand otherwise they move on.

Just ask him for goodness sake! Do you want to see him again? If so, message him and say that. I was the one who suggested a second date with my now DP. He said it was refreshing to date someone who just says what's on her mind, no tiptoeing around to see who is going to message first. We're now firmly together 6 months on.

OP I am sorry but I am finding your approach so frustrating to read. You are basically expecting the perfect person to just come up knocking on your front door with no effort from you!

You have given this poor guy no indication you are interested. Your messages are short and blunt and not particularly flirty or indicating interest whatsoever. I know you said that people have given you this feedback in the past, however you really need to work on it. If you want him to chase you, give him a bit of a signal you are interested and give him a little bit more personality in your texts. Why don't you just ask him another question? You don't have to ask him out but ask how his day is going...just give him something to go off.

Did you actually read what @Bobbotgegrinch said because you seem to have completely misinterpreted what he’s saying

The taxi thing unless there was a journey tracker it's possible something bad could have happened. You should have replied to the text when you saw it. It's shitty how you keep testing him, you sound rude, cold abd disinterested. 5 weeks? I'd never forgiven you.
Why do you do this dumb chase me test? How long do you intend to keep this up? If it's a game when does it stop?
You don't sound ready to be vulnerable and take risks. Having boundaries is good, dumping early for red flags is great, but ignoring and mind games are pathetic.

You don't seem to have much of a clue with etiquette. He texts you asking if you got home OK ( shows good etiquette and is a standard thing to do after a date)you see it on your screen, but ignore it and answer 12 hours later - just, why? He texts you happy NY and you wait 5 weeks instead of saying happy NY back - which would be the norm. You cancelled a date, so the onus is then on you to reschedule, but you didn't.
Like I say, depends what you want, but this is a sure fire way to ensure that the only ones still hanging in there either have little going for them, so no other options, or they have lots of options and you're just held in the wings when they are at a lose end.