Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

And have some strong boundaries in place. Nothing wrong with having those.

This is definitely not real. The level of game playing here is serious fuckery. Just leave him be jeeezzz!

Sorry to really are overthinking this - I’d suggest some therapy for yourself - he is problably seeing others and you are just in his loop for texting. You don’t know him really - you could get stuck in this for years without moving on. Ask him out again and if you haven’t seen him in a month then delete - you’re wasting your time.

I messaged him! Suprisingly I got a message back fairly quickly....he has been chatty and friendly. As have I! I have even thrown caution to the wind and been slightly flirty!

Not sure whether I should suggest I third date or if that's too forward?!

Obviously take away from the thread is I do think I am going to attend some therapy, to gain confidence in myself, self esteem etc, and hopefully have a less anxious dating experience.

I did however meet up with a friend earlier, who is very confident, self assured and has had awful times with OLD. I think it can be tricky and disheartening! Even for people with very healthy self esteem etc

Sorry but hopeful bump, should I ask for a third date or?!?....

No. Because you’re an idiot emotionally and he deserves better.

Awk thanks 🙂

(For normal people, suggesting a third date would be fine.)

Please just leave this poor man alone.

@ThisGoldHedgehog - he responded? Has flirted a little! That's why I want to ask him to meet again

I have read all your comments. I’m aware he responded. I'm still saying to leave him alone. This isn’t going to go anywhere. You, for whatever reason, seem incapable of interacting with him like a normal person.

The things you’ve said/done/thought are very very strange. Despite multiple people explaining this to you in some detail, you still genuinely don’t seem to get that. You don’t seem to
grasp how ridiculous you’re (consistently) being. So, just leave him alone.

Your decision to go therapy seems sensible. Focus on that and don’t date for a bit. That’s my honest advice.

Good god OP. This is one of the weirdest threads I’ve read in a while. Why on earth didn’t you tell him you were in hospital? You didn’t need to say why, I doubt he would have asked and if he did you just brush it off with “just a minor op” or at worst “I don’t want to share the details”. Instead you’ve ignored him for days and then deliberately made him think you were out gallivanting around London instead. You are literally creating drama out of nothing. I honestly can’t fathom why the poor bloke hasn’t given up by now.

@Mapleunicorn - I was in hospital for 5 days. They don't keep you in for five days for minor procedures. Everyone knows that. So it was awkward for me to make excuses

If this is real, and I’m really having trouble believing anyone could be this dense, then you are one massive red flag 🚩

Leave the man alone and examine your own behaviour (which is horrible)

@WitheringTights000 so just say it’s personal and you don’t feel ready to share the details yet?? Short of blocking him you’ve done everything in your power to make him think you are not particularly interested, and yet, miraculously, he is still keen. In which case either a) he finds you physically attractive and is now seeing this as just a potential shag (which is a situation entirely of your own doing) or b) this is a wind up

@Mapleunicorn - yea but I think I kind of thought if I say to someone in the very early stages of dating that I'll be in hospital for five days and don't feel like sharing ....it would put them off me! Like he would think ' oh she has medical issues, she's not a great catch, I don't want baggage!'

It is not a wind up.

Do you understand why so many people think it’s a windup?

@Mapleunicorn - why Is it my fault if he only sees me as a potential shag? I told him I don't do casual etc

Oh god I'm going mad reading this thread 😭

If a guy is put off because you were in hospital then jesus u've made a lucky escape. Just because you told him you don't do casual doesn't mean thats all it will be. I can't believe he's still messaging you. I wonder if he has issues himself.

Like other posters I think you really need to leave this poor bloke alone… if you really liked him you wouldn’t have kept ghosting him.

However if you are honestly keen just text him and ask him if he wants to go for a drink like a normal person! a few dates in its perfectly normal to take your turn planning / suggesting a date especially as you have been blowing so hot and cold!

I sometimes idly click on stories from people I haven’t seen since high school 😂 it wouldn’t occur to me this was a sign of “showing interest!” This saga is completely bonkers, sorry OP

"So it was awkward for me to make excuses"

No it wasn't. Making excuses (rather than telling the truth) is exactly what you did.

He must be really keen to be still around when others would have given up by now, so if you want to meet him for another date, go for it , but work on your communication.

Never mind how he feels though, are YOU interested in him? If you are really interested in this guy, I don't understand how you could leave it so long to reply the first time. No matter how busy you were, if a guy I really liked was messaging me, I couldn't imagine myself leaving him hanging for so long, he could easily have met someone else in that time. It makes me wonder if you really like him as much as you say?

I am confused as to how on one hand, you are scared to ask for another date out of fear of rejection, but on the other hand, you seem to feel quite self-assured he will still be interested after making him think you aren't by disappearing on him?

If you definitely like him, go on a third date, stop all the overanalyising, and forget about this thing you have that he needs to chase you. He has chased you more than enough and is still keen so take the opportunity to date him while it's still there.

@Frazzledmummy123 - I am deffo not quite self assured he is still interested! That's why I am nervous about asking him out.