Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

I'm sorry, that's right, I was mistaken. Then you ghosted him for five weeks.

My bad. 🙄

@Aquamarine1029 - no no, I ghosted him for 5 weeks prior to meeting lol. It obviously didn't bother him though as he still went on a date with me

My goodness this sounds like a Jane Austen novel set in modern times ie, woman must not reveal she is interested in the man until he has prospects and proposes!

Get a grip it’s 2024, just say you a great night, enjoyed his company and it would be good to meet up again.

OP, you sound utterly and completely exhausting. Even just reading your updates makes me frustrated.

Honestly, this approach will scare away any good guy and leave you extremely vulnerable to attracting all the abusive ones, who will immediately pick up on your lack of confidence and insecurities and jump at your throat.

Why not, for once in your life, forget about the way you think you should behave so a guy shows interest (which by the way, is completely wrong and makes you sound unhinged and extremely hard work) and just be yourself and behave the way you feel? This is the only way a guy will get to know the real you and decide whether or not he likes you.

My goodness what an infuriating thread.

If I were him I would have lost interest by now. Not replying for 5 weeks is rude, you’re very lucky he replied.
With OLD there are so many other options, you’ll have to up your game if you want to find someone. It’s very easy to move on to the next person if you’re hard work/putting in no effort.
If you’re over thinking imagine what this poor guy is thinking after you didn’t reply for 5 weeks and your responses are minimal, I’d assume you would weren’t interested and move on. If you want to find someone you need to make an effort, you’re in competition with too many others on OLD.

I met this guy online 2 years ago who I went out on just one date with at the time. I asked him out on a second date which he agreed to but I didn't seem to hear off him unless I text him then he would reply. I asked him at the time if was really interested (as I got the feeling he wasn't) , which he said yes but at the time was too busy to date. With this I never saw or heard from him and I eventually carried on dating other men for a while until I eventually gave up online dating. 2 years down the line and I decided to give it another go. Less that an hour after created a dating profile this man I met 2 years before sent me a message apologising for messing me about 2 years ago. I told him that I forgave him and with that he asked that if I ever wanted another date with him then to send him a text, then he gave me his number. I did text him the next day and we started talking where eventually he had asked me out on a date. We went out and everything was ok on that date and I asked if he wanted to see me again. He said yes. We went out on that date about 3 days ago which also went well as we shared quite a few interests and we also had a good giggle about things. I asked if he wanted to see me again for a third date which he also said yes to. The one thing that bothers me though is although he asked me out on the first date, it has been me initiating conversations in texting in-between these dates. I don't text him every day as I don't want to seem like I'm bothering him too much. Also I'm the one that asked him out on the second and third date. I know he agrees to go on these dates and he does always text me back but I'm getting a feeling that if I don't initiate texting or another date I probably wouldn't hear from him. This is how I felt 2 years before. Do you think he's a guy who's just going along with these things, maybe because he's dating for the sake of it without actually being interested or am I just being a little paranoid. This man is definitely not a shy type as he asked me out in the beginning and he's very chatty on our dates.

So can we presume you’ve still not replied to him and yet you’ve been posting on here for several days justifying your poor communication and entitlement leaving the poor sod hanging again?

Early dating takes effort and if you can’t put any in then you won’t get it back.

Stop listening to outdated sexist ‘rules’ and learn to communicate and say what’s on your mind. Being upfront isn’t chasing and men are not some homogeneous beings who all think in the same way.

His message is as very easy to respond to - you chose not to. Your lack of effort will lose this guy unless you act like a grown up. Just drop him a simple ‘hi how’s your week going’ message to kick start the chat otherwise delete and let him find someone who is genuinely in a relationship and not playing games.

Op you come across as literally obsessed with being “chased”. And that you wish to make little to no effort to have that happen. Like you only want to meet the desperate.

look. Treat people as you wish to be treated. Stop this game playing. You’re going to be single forever if you sit pretending you have not seen texts, ghosting and coming back, not indicating interest.

it doesn’t appear nervous, it comes across as flakey and rude.

The ‘text chat’ part of online dating takes a bit of effort from both or it’s easy to just let it tail off if it gets a bit dull. Need to keep the momentum going (by actually texting 😂) or by planning another date. Once you’ve had 3 or 4 dates you know if you’re getting on and liking each other and then communication will get easier. After 1 date, and frankly you seeming like hard work and not giving anything back, it would be easier for this poor bloke to keep his options open and chat to other women who are more engaging. You obviously want to be chased OP but you need to give him a reason to WANT to chase you! If that’s the kind of thing you like a bit of flirting then backing off a bit is one thing, you can’t just continually ignore him, and expect him to keep messaging you, why would he bother if he’s getting nothing out of it?

DP and I met online, I just asked him what he would think if I had behaved like this and he said “assumed you were talking to other people and coming back for a bit of attention when it didn’t work out.”

Also said after the ghosting / lack of communication and him suggesting date 1 he’d have been waiting for me to suggest meeting up again even if it was just opening up the conversation.

He suggests you ask him if he has plans this weekend if you insist on playing hard to get and making him ask you out!

You weren’t that busy in January.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4984404-my-fault-or-his-should-i-still-go-on-a-date-with-him?page=1

Good spot. Your communication skills need A LOT of work OP unless you enjoy deliberately sabotaging potential relationships. It does appear you enjoy the drama

I hope he has the good sense to do a runner. You sound like a nightmare.

How are your relationships with others, OP? There’s a lot of neurodivergence in my family and I see elements of autism in your communication. You don’t appear to have theory of mind in relation to how others will take your communication.

’perhaps I have missed the boat and he is seeing someone else now. So I'm not sure why he even responded.’

’I read it and didn't reply. I don't know whether to bother, I'm thinking cause he didn't ask another question he isn't interested’

Why are you making things up in your head? This is going to be an absolute nightmare (for him) and I don’t think you should be dating at all. Also, a ‘multi dater type’? Did you want him to be exclusive with you before you’d even been out?

@OneMoreTime23 - that was about a different guy, I didn't go on the date with him.

@SamW98 - it seems to just be dating and romantic relationships I have the communication issues with though. I have a good group of friends and no issues with communication there. I'm also well thought of in my team at work and have been there quite some time.

I don't love the drama. My circumstances have been very very difficult. Due to ill health I had a break from dating for like 9/10 years. So I think I'm just behind it maturity wise etc, I don't know how to fix this though.

@OneMoreTime23 - that's the thing. I don't have issues with others. Really lovely friends, never any drama, we just have fun together, a friend of mine actually recently said to me I am so so easy to talk to about problems she is having.

And with work again, lovely team, I get on really well with my manager and other team members. Been in the same company a while so we have had 6 managers, and I've good feedback from all of them.

I do sometimes wonder if I have ADHD, but this doesn't tie in with not having issues with other people.

It's just dating and not having a clue what to say/do within the dating game!

Just behave normally and courteously. You wouldn’t leave a friend on read for five weeks, so don’t do it to a prospective date. If someone proposes meeting up and you fancy it, go ‘yes, I’m free on XX day.’ Not a vague ‘yes, let’s make it happen’, as opposed to actually making it happen.

It's really not that hard.

You don't need to "do" anything. You treat them exactly as you would a friend, and then at some point snogging happens.

You wouldn't leave a friend on read for five weeks, you wouldn't ignore a friend asking if you got home safe. You wouldn't wonder if a friend was seeming too keen, or not keen enough.

Just ask to meet up again, and arrange a time and place. If you have fun, rinse and repeat until married.

"Don't like to show my interest too soon as it always backfires on me."

Maybe that's not what's backfiring though. Maybe it's just not having met the right one. If you show interest quickly and it's a good match, then good. If you show interest quickly and he's not for you, then you find out sooner rather than later without wasting time playing games because you feel you have to hold back. Life's too short.

You can only be yourself and that's a better, less complicated way of living and dating and filtering out guys that aren't gonna fit well with you.

@OneMoreTime23 - that was about a different guy, I didn't go on the date with him.

My point was more that you apparently didn’t have time to text him for 5 weeks but were happily posting on here throughout that time. Were you conversing with the older guy at that time?

I do sometimes wonder if I have ADHD, but this doesn't tie in with not having issues with other people.

I have ADHD and work in HR. I’m literally talking to people all day and am pretty good at spotting neurodivergence. Not answering texts can be an ADHD symptoms.

ADHDers tend to over talk to new people. Doesn’t sound like your approach which is much more of an autistic trait. You could be AuDHD.

My sister is autistic and has held several comms related posts but is horrendous at understanding other people’s positions in real life and regularly comes off as rude and standoffish because of it. It resonates with what you are describing (and how), that’s all.

@OneMoreTime23 - funny I also work in HR, I am a recruiter. I spend all day yapping down the phone to people.

But yes I do wonder about ADHD, I can be very very chatty. I was very chatty on the date!

I myself am not 100% sure though on the difference between autism and ADHD. Those conditions wouldn't really tie in with me having friends etc though would they?

I'm surprised he's still around tbh 🙄
Are you 15?