Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

Goodness. Sweeping statement. My 4 year old profoundly autistic non-verbal nephew has friends………

it’s more that you aren’t reading the signals well, and seem to be playing a game rather than having true communication with someone. It’s such a weird tactic and it’s much more ASD than ADHD.

So why did you really not text him during January? It wasn’t that things were so manic you couldn’t…….

@OneMoreTime23 - what is ASD? Autism?

I think a lot of the men on OLD play games though and I don't think they could all be labelled as autistic. I just don't want to be too much of a soft touch.

why are you avoiding questions?

ASD = autism spectrum disorder.

@OneMoreTime23 - I did have family over for a few weeks in January and then actually felt a bit deflated when they left/not in the mood/was unsure whether to message him after leaving it so long etc

You’ve started multiple threads about OLD. You come across as really hard work. It’s like you have no contact with any men in any other aspect of life and consider them to be another species. You read so much into what is actually straightforward dialogue.

I’m not sure OLD is for you. Could you take up a hobby where you might meet someone so that you don’t have to keep second guessing them?

Your WhatsApp profile picture is probably confusing things. Playing all sweet and innocent when you’re wearing a bikini in a communication channel is weird. (Imagine using it on Teams, for example.). It implies that’s what you want them to see/focus on. (Most men are very visual.)

Hm, you either are playing games with others on this thread or you indeed have a form of neurodivergence (ASD would be my guess).

Ok, you're not going to change overnight from an overthinker. So why not try and overthink/extrapolate in the other direction and be a bit more 'so what?'

'so what if I ask a man out and he says no?' you might feel a bit of a pang but at least you'll know where you stand.

Keep your expectations low (as in don't expect everyone you chat to to be the love of your life) and your standards high when online dating and you'll be fine.

I'm genuinely surprised men you meet online aren't just blocking you with all the mind games you're playing with them.

If your preferred dating style is game playing, you will attract game-player type men. And are particularly vulnerable to someone who uses a love-bombing type technique.
Just be yourself, maybe explain you are not good at texting - use it just to organise meet-ups and arrangements. You do sound very high-maintenance though and seem to treat men as if they are a different species, maybe work on male friendships rather than dating at this stage.

@OneMoreTime23 - I have multiple threads on OLD because it's the first time I have ever done it and dated in a while. The dating landscape has changed massively and I cannot believe the way some of them from OLD behave.

So yes, I have posted here for advice.

The way you are behaving is bizarre though.

I don’t think it’s the approach for you.

I agree, your behaviour is very bizarre. I don't think OLD is for you OP.

@OneMoreTime23 - maybe not. Limited opportunities to meet men not OLD though.

My friend group is all female, most are partnered up, and when I see friends we do catch ups for drinks, brunches etc, we don't speak to men when out for drinks.

My work team is also all female!

You need to find a way to socialise around men without looking for dates. A hobby or something.

Can any of these friends set you up?

I do get it’s difficult OP. Last time I dated was 1991 and do this new world is very hard to navigate.

However my advice from what I’ve learned in last couple of years is just go with your instincts and don’t play by any arbitrary made up rules. If it first turn out, then they weren’t for you.

5 weeks to reply? I'm amazed he replied, then 12 hrs when he asked if you got home ok? I think you're incredibly rude and have the cheek to say he's slow at replying and should be chasing!!
He's the one making an effort here, surely you're not that lacking in awareness to see your behaviour is quite odd.

Omg reading your replies is like banging one’s head against a brick wall. Men aren’t a separate species - they’re not like a breed of dog with universal and predictable behaviour traits that you can elicit from them by waving a treat under their nose (or in your case, ignoring their messages). Men are individual people. Many men would interpret your 5-week ghosting and unenthusiastic messaging/lack of reply to his latest message as you not being interested.

So if a man is respectful and decent, and is getting the message you’re not interested, what would he do? Probably not text you again because a) he doesn’t want to be rejected (yes, men worry about that too!) and b) he’s got the message from your silence and doesn’t want to be pushy or a creep. The kind of man who sees an unenthusiastic woman as someone to chase and win over isn’t the kind of man I’d want to date, personally. So I find it quite bizarre that that’s what you think he should be doing. Ditto a man who’s “scared off” by a woman asking him out - although this must be some kind of urban myth because I’ve asked many men out and it’s never been a problem. The kind of man who’d feel emasculated by that is again, not the kind of person I’d want to date.

Ask yourself: if you feel reticent to ask him out, and are scared of rejection, why do you think he won’t also be feeling this? From his POV you ghosted him for 5 weeks then reappeared, and now you’re not bothering to try and make conversation. Why not ask him questions? Your behaviour is screaming NOT INTERESTED yet you think he should just keep on pushing, and (in his mind) run the risk of looking too intense or creepy?

Also, as others have said, OLD may just not be right for you at all. You have to be willing to put effort in, and accept that rejection is just par for the course.

@OneMoreTime23 - any guy they know is married or LTR. It's a smallish place with not that many singles in my age group.

Any bigger cities nearby?

you’re going to need to put some effort in somewhere. Either working on your online patter or putting yourself out there.

Don’t fear meeting someone and getting drunk and silly. I thought DH (friend of a friend of a friend) was going to be a ONS. We celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary later this year.

There is a big city two hours away. I have set my distance to include there, the problem is, the guys are not prepared to make the effort to travel ...it's like 'are you ever in (that city). They expect you to do the travelling!

And that's cute 😊 I hope something like that happens for me

this is so painful to read. op, please let this guy go, he'll have had a lucky escape anyway cos you are hard work🙄

Yeah personally about 40 min travel is as far as I'd look. I mean even that is nearly an hour and a half round trip. Chances are people aren't going to be arsed doing that to date.

I think unless there's a city nearby I'd give online dating a swerve personally. Don't like the idea of dating in my home town. But happy to date in the city nearby.

2 hours away us too far though.