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Original poster

Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

281 replies

WitheringTights000 · 10/02/2024 16:32

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 26/02/2024 16:40

Glad you had a good date but please, stop playing games with the poor bloke. You really don't sound emotionally ready enough to date if you're still at the teenage princess stage of thinking he should be chasing you and you should be feigning disinterest. It's all so immature. If you want to see him again MESSAGE HIM.

If I was him I'd be getting pissed off with your intermittent texting. It's bloody obvious it's game playing on your part. Grow out of it.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 16:45

@Deebee90 - yes but he could of given a more enthusiastic response and asked me a question back rather than just a short response. I would like to ask him to meet again but I am afraid of rejection.

@SamW98 - yes I have heard that men are simple creatures. So I thought that if they like you they ask you out again, simple. I feel like me asking me scare him off a bit.

OP posts:
CheerfulBardo · 26/02/2024 16:57

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 14:19

@Opentooffers - I don't think my effort is that minimal. He is the one who have a short response. And I did tell him on the date that I get a bit nervous with dates, so he should know that and therefore not mind being the one to make the moves first.

You have some very odd ideas, OP. You seem to be absolutely certain that being keen is bad, but you can’t seem to decide if you’re ’shy and nervous’ or ‘playing it cool’ or, what seems far more likely, just really bad at communicating.

Do you actually want to go on a second date with him?

MillshakePickle · 26/02/2024 16:59

Why are you playing games with this guy?Sounds like you've been too invested in reading Teen Vogue.

He seems decent. Just do what feels natural. Be yourself and don't worry about whether it's too soon to text back or whatever. If you expect him to chase you because he's keen then he could easily be expecting the same from you.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2024 17:05

@Deebee90 - yes but he could of given a more enthusiastic response and asked me a question back rather than just a short response. I would like to ask him to meet again but I am afraid of rejection.

Perhaps if you hadn't ghosted him for five weeks he'd be more keen to give an "enthusiastic" response, but after all the the games you've played, I'm amazed he responded at all. Stop hiding behind "being afraid of rejection" to make excuses for your blatant rudeness. You are being nothing but hard work just for the sake of it. Leave the poor man alone and don't date if this is how impossible you're going to be to deal with.

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 17:11

My head hurts from your overthinking.

Just treat it the way you'd treat any acquaintance you'd met once and want to meet again.

Its highly unlikely it'll go anywhere serious just because usually these things don't. Usually you need to go on a few dates with a good handful of people to find anything whereby you both suit eachother and want the same things.

So just have fun with it and don't take it or yourself too seriously. Stop worrying about every little micro interaction.

And get used to asking people out. To suggesting places and days. The worst they can say is no. If you want to find success on online dating you have to take the bull by the horns.

I'd advise against over texting. Especially as you're an overthinker. Just use it to arrange dates. 'Hiya I'm free this Saturday and wondered if you wanted to grab lunch, no worries if not - anna'. Maybe....maaaaybe, an occasional mid week 'how's your week going?' Or funny meme relevant to something you've discussed. IF there's a whole week between dates.

Stick to your long wait times for replying (or whatever suits you, rather) But be warm in your texts. That way you are making it clear you are interested but you won't be tied to your ozone and just want to get to know him in person. That weedles out people who are only looking to chat on the phone fir their ego. And will stop you feeling smothered by them.

SamW98 · 26/02/2024 17:15

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 16:45

@Deebee90 - yes but he could of given a more enthusiastic response and asked me a question back rather than just a short response. I would like to ask him to meet again but I am afraid of rejection.

@SamW98 - yes I have heard that men are simple creatures. So I thought that if they like you they ask you out again, simple. I feel like me asking me scare him off a bit.

Why on earth would he ask you out again when you’ve been so rude and disinterested? Not telling him you got home safe for 12 hours is appalling. So shockingly rude and yet you think this guy should chase you?

He probably thinks he’s wasting his time with someone who has no interest and makes no effort. I feel sorry for the guy. Stop playing childish games and tell him his you feel or let him go to find someone who treats him with respect and acts like a grown up.

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 17:24

I don't think it's 'shockingly rude'. He put her in the taxi, the 'hope you get home safe' isn't an inquiry in this case it's just politely rounding out the evening. If Id gone on a date and went to bed when I got in, it could easily be 12 hours before I responded to a text like that. Perhaps even, when I got back from work the next day. I wouldn't expect him to panic over that lol.

That being said, the dissapearing for 5 weeks wasn't nice. I'm surprised he replied after that.

SamW98 · 26/02/2024 17:25

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 17:24

I don't think it's 'shockingly rude'. He put her in the taxi, the 'hope you get home safe' isn't an inquiry in this case it's just politely rounding out the evening. If Id gone on a date and went to bed when I got in, it could easily be 12 hours before I responded to a text like that. Perhaps even, when I got back from work the next day. I wouldn't expect him to panic over that lol.

That being said, the dissapearing for 5 weeks wasn't nice. I'm surprised he replied after that.

She saw the message but didn’t reply - that’s pretty rude imo and specially as he’s checking to make sure she’s got home safe. I think it’s basic good manners to just say ‘I’m home’

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2024 17:37

Yeah I mean I suppose but you never know if they're then going to want to chat to you as they assume you're free. Besides, if you've seen their text, you're obviously safe. So long as you reply that day I think its fine. Tbh even a 'sorry I was busy af, I'm all good, thanks for the other evening, it was fun :) ' the day after is probably OK too imo.

The only thing is that because op has been aloof (and even vanishing) with him, she arguably might be making him worry now if she isn't responding fast enough. So she's kinda shot herself in the foot already with this one imo.

I think she could possibly salvage it if she's more proactive about arranging things and friendly in her messages tbf. But I dunno if it's worth the hassle if he already feels she's been blowing him off.

DatingDinosaur · 26/02/2024 17:37

I agree. A quick "I'm home safe. Had a lovely evening thank you. Hopefully we can do it again soon" in response to a text checking you got home safe is good manners and opens the conversation to meeting again.

But, the OP admits she's scared of getting hurt by Showing Feelings so she's gonna get hurt by showing disinterest and game playing instead.

Deebee90 · 26/02/2024 17:55

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 16:45

@Deebee90 - yes but he could of given a more enthusiastic response and asked me a question back rather than just a short response. I would like to ask him to meet again but I am afraid of rejection.

@SamW98 - yes I have heard that men are simple creatures. So I thought that if they like you they ask you out again, simple. I feel like me asking me scare him off a bit.

Are you being serious? You are showing every sign that you aren’t interested. You ghosted him for 5 weeks and then didn’t respond for 12 hours after your date. You are lazy and aren’t ready for dating. It’s not all about you. If you want a partner you need to wake up and get on with things rather than blaming it on being shy.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:04

@CheerfulBardo - no I am definitely nervous. I would like to go on a second date again yes but I would definitely be afraid that he wouldn't want to.

OP posts:
CheerfulBardo · 26/02/2024 18:09

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:04

@CheerfulBardo - no I am definitely nervous. I would like to go on a second date again yes but I would definitely be afraid that he wouldn't want to.

So act on your own wishes, which should be more important to you than what he might or might not be feeling — ask him. If he doesn’t want to, he can refuse, but it’s perfectly possible, given your five week hiatus and communication style, that he thinks you’re flaky or uninterested.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:11

@SamW98 - I saw the text about him asking if I got home okay on the front of my phone, I didn't open WhatsApp. Therefore he won't have known I read it as I didn't click on it ( no blue ticks) and my last seen won't have shown me as online at that time. So it just looks like I didn't see it until the next day. Therefore it doesn't look rude!

OP posts:
jolies1 · 26/02/2024 18:38

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:11

@SamW98 - I saw the text about him asking if I got home okay on the front of my phone, I didn't open WhatsApp. Therefore he won't have known I read it as I didn't click on it ( no blue ticks) and my last seen won't have shown me as online at that time. So it just looks like I didn't see it until the next day. Therefore it doesn't look rude!

Wouldn’t it have just been easier to text back “home safe, thank you for a lovely evening” than worry about blue ticks 😂

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:39

@Pinkbonbon - my head also hurts from my overthinking. I am not used to asking people out at all....it's scary! I am just of that mindset where I think men will make a move if interested.

I have heard many many women say don't chase a man and don't let a man know you like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:40

@jolies1 - lol very true. But I was tired and getting into bed so I thought, okay I won't click on it because then at least I'm not being rude. So I opened it the next morning and replied right away.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/02/2024 18:41

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:11

@SamW98 - I saw the text about him asking if I got home okay on the front of my phone, I didn't open WhatsApp. Therefore he won't have known I read it as I didn't click on it ( no blue ticks) and my last seen won't have shown me as online at that time. So it just looks like I didn't see it until the next day. Therefore it doesn't look rude!

So why couldn’t you drop him a quick ‘I’m home thank you for a lovely evening’ message? You chose to be rude but you’re more concerned in justifying it because he didn’t see you’d read it.

And you expect him to chase you yet you can’t even be arsed to type a 30 second message. Why would he bother in someone showing so little interest?

Letsbepractical · 26/02/2024 18:41

OP - you are massively overthinking it, you struggle to read social cues and instead you create some unhelpful rules for your dating experience, and you seem to struggle with rejection sensitivity. You also do not seem to easily take on board what others are trying to suggest to you. Is all that happening only in this dating experience, or have you experienced similar challenges before?

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:47

@SamW98 - but my point is it's not rude because he had no idea at all that I had seen it. As far as he is concerned I read it the next morning and replied straight away, so actually made myself out to be quite keen in that regard when I think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:53

@Letsbepractical - I do seem to struggle with rejection Sensitivity. But I don't think in all aspects of my life. I have nice friends etc. it's just with dating I find it super tough. I have been out of the game for a long time and from what I can see the dating landscape has really, really changed in that time.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 26/02/2024 19:04

DatingDinosaur · 26/02/2024 17:37

I agree. A quick "I'm home safe. Had a lovely evening thank you. Hopefully we can do it again soon" in response to a text checking you got home safe is good manners and opens the conversation to meeting again.

But, the OP admits she's scared of getting hurt by Showing Feelings so she's gonna get hurt by showing disinterest and game playing instead.

This ^

SamW98 · 26/02/2024 19:04

WitheringTights000 · 26/02/2024 18:47

@SamW98 - but my point is it's not rude because he had no idea at all that I had seen it. As far as he is concerned I read it the next morning and replied straight away, so actually made myself out to be quite keen in that regard when I think about it.

I disagree. It’s basic good manners to respond saying you got home ok. You chose not to bother yet think he should chase you - you’re not being realistic in your effort and expectations.

PaminaMozart · 26/02/2024 19:05

Letsbepractical · 26/02/2024 18:41

OP - you are massively overthinking it, you struggle to read social cues and instead you create some unhelpful rules for your dating experience, and you seem to struggle with rejection sensitivity. You also do not seem to easily take on board what others are trying to suggest to you. Is all that happening only in this dating experience, or have you experienced similar challenges before?

And this ^

@WitheringTights000 - why do you continue to refuse to take on board what several posters have explained to you, in detail...