Why am I hopeless at reading signals?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Dipped my toe into OLD in November, I'm 31.

Quite a few of my friends and family say I can come across as very aloof/disinterested. Both in person and over text towards dating prospects. Like I can seem as though I'm giving someone the brush off.

I matched with a guy a few months back and he asked me out over Xmas. I had to cancel, he asked me to re-arrange and also messaged me happy new year on New Year's Day,

I took five weeks to reply. Awful I know but I get nervous about dating and I'm very indecisive plus had family staying from Toronto for 3 weeks so was hectic. I messaged him to explain why January was hectic and that I would like to go out.

He actually replied only one hour later to say great to have family over from far off lands and okay fantastic let's get something planned, smiley face.

I replied back joking they had slightly outstayed their welcome and then to his message saying 'let's get something arranged' I said 'yes okay good'

That was 4 days ago and nothing. He read and didn't reply. So I guess I'm wondering if I should follow up and say 'sorry I didn't really finish my sentence, that should of said 'yes okay good let's get something organised'

I'm wondering now if he doesn't want to go out and sent that message back to me so he can be the one who does the ghosting!

Or if my message of 'yes okay good' didn't make sense or seemed disinterested?

I feel like other women would have no issue with interpreting any of this and knowing what to do but for me it's an issue!

Please advise if I should message again or just assume he is uninterested!

@PaminaMozart - but what have I not taken on board? I have explained that I just feel nervous about rejection!

Is he allowed to be nervous about rejection or just you ?
I would say it’s pretty standard to say “ thank you for a nice evening “ if someone has arranged a social event or invited you somewhere. My friends all text each other when we’ve been out just so we know everyone’s back safely. If I was friends with your date I’d be advising him to sack you off because you’re coming across as unpleasant.

Tbh I couldn't give a fuck men 'don't want you to chase'. I want to date people who act like grown ups and I want to behave like a grown up. That involves being able to ask people out and deal with it if they say no.

Rule of thumb, yes, they definately make an effort if they are into you. But not after your behaviour has shown you couldn't give a stuff about them. It's possible to be a decent reliable person who makes time for others without being a fawning bimbo at their every beck and call.

Just treat them the way you'd treat anyone. If they aren't into that, plenty of other decent people will be.

So how is feigning indifference and playing games going to stop you being rejected? It's more likely to increase your chance of being rejected!

Well he's definitely not going to want to if you keep on treating him like shit.

Op why wouldn’t he want to ? You had fun and he texted you afterwards. No one like rejection - you are not special.

be brave and text to say ‘how about lunch next week / weekend’

This is false. Many men are aware of the dangers of appearing pushy and don't want to come across as creeps. You don't seem very keen and he may be trying to respect this

@hollyandivyknickers - I'm hoping he had fun haha. Maybe he didn't! 🥴🥴

@DatingDinosaur - I don't think I'm treating him like shit. I am just being very very cautious! I've just noticed with lots of other guys if you don't respond to their message it makes them more keen and keep messaging. So I'm assuming by him not doing this he is uninterested

This is painful to read. Being confident doesn’t make you immune from rejection! It’s true that being too keen will put men off, but so will playing games!

OP you're literally not listening to anyone's advice here. Did you come here for advice? You're just replying to everyone excusing your behaviour because men should chase, and you are sensitive, and you don't like rejection blah blah.

Hey guess what, I hate rejection too! But I wouldn't want to risk someone thinking I am disinterested. You can give this poor bloke SOMETHING without having to ask him out.

Just ask him how his week is going or something! If he doesn't reply, you've hardly asked him to bloody marry you have you?! Delete, move on.

And how do you think a man who 'needs to chase' would be in an actual relationship? How would that work? Do you think people who need the high of chasing would ever be happy to settle into something that's calm and comfortable? Of course not! They'd always be chasing some skirt. Or making you worried they were. Causing some drama. Or making you walk on eggshells.

Tbh...are you sure YOU'RE not the one who needs TO be chased. That you're not happy unless some poor bastard is run ragged unsure if where he stands with you?

If you want someone decent, BE a decent person. Like attracts like. YOUR insecurities are not mens problem. And newsflash, you'll get rejected from time to time irregardless of hiw you go about dating. That's life. So suck it up buttercup or don't date.

He may not be interested anymore because all you've done is jerk him around. Good for him for not being a bloody doormat. Your "I'm scared of rejection" is just immature nonsense. Nobody likes rejection, but it happens to everyone. You deal with it and move on, and the sky doesn't fall down.

Before going on a date with a woman, you must check in with her father or nearest male relative. Ensure your good manners by never being in her company alone without a chaperone, you don't want to damage her good reputation.

Once a date with her appropriate escort (aunt, maid e.t.c.) is assured, all women are mad about shoes, flowers and other flights of fancy. Do not embarrass her by talking about subjects that are too complex for them such as politics, world affairs or anything else that requires deeper thought as it will be simply beyond them.

When the date is over, return her and escort to her father (or male relative) and bid them all a good night. Should you wish to see her again, ensure to let her father know of your good intentions and be prepared to discuss in detail your prospects.

All women will appreciate this. Some will suggest times have moved on, but on reading how many women here talk about how all men - yes all of them - behave in certain ways (such as being scared off by... SHOCK ! a women speaking first ... or even HORROR ! twice !!! before gaining an invitation from her male date) I can only assume the converse is true and all women behave the same way too.

Yeah but you know the reason(s) why you're behaving the way you are. He doesn't. All he'll see is someone he's trying to get to know better playing a push-pull game. This will come across to him as you being insincere and not really that interested and just dangling a carrot to keep him on the backburner so from his point of view, the risk of HIM being rejected by YOU is high and he might well decide he can't be arsed with that.

Good god you're hard work! Just leave him be and date when you're ready. Just be honest and communicate openly and regularly. You're so closed off all you're going to do is mess around any decent guys by giving mixed signals & they'll get fed up.

Seeing as you completely missed the point of my last post I'll try and spell it out more clearly.

Your "treat em mean, keep em keen" strategy only works on knobheads and idiots. Normal decent men, when greeted with someone who is giving them the brush off in the way you are, think to themselves "Oh, she's obviously not interested, I won't pursue this any further"

Knobheads and idiots on the other hand just carry on regardless.

This guy has made it clear to you that he's interested, and having not received the same signals in return, has left the ball in your court. If you have the slightest interest in seeing him again, PLAY THE BLOODY BALL!

Seriously OP

You didn’t reply to his message for 5 WEEKS - strike 1

You ignored his message about getting home safe after a first date for 12 HOURS - strike 2

Now you have read his last text and you don’t know if you should be bothered to reply, maybe in the week - strike 3

Are you sure you you actually want to date this man at all?

If I was him, strike one would have done it for me.

If you carry on like this you will be single for a very long time, he is a human being with feelings, please respect that and treat him with a little bit of decency, otherwise leave him alone so he can find someone else.

I'm sure you have been listening to someone's nan "don't chase a man" blah blah.

It's 2024 - if you like him message him. Engage in conversation. What's his fave food/drink/film/does he watch any series, damn engage in a conversation about sport. Give the poor bloke something to talk about - treat him like a friend not like a scary villan about to pop out of your phone.

Ghosting him for 5 weeks because you had family round? - did you eat? If you had time to eat you could have picked up your phone to explain the situation and that replies would be slow.

Jheez, get your finger out and do some work. It's really bot that difficult.

And if you can't be bothered, move on. Nice to meet ya.

You sound like such hard work! A conversation is going back and forth on a topic, just because he replied but didn't ask a question wasn't him shutting the conversation down. I'd have responded with some humour like never catching me out of bed that early to do exercise because of whatever....

Men are increasingly more aware that feminism is important and especially as we get older don't want/can't be bothered with the chase. It reminds me of playground kiss and tell. Men are expecting women to be more direct/upfront/taking control.

Just message the poor bloke.

@Anonplease2023 - we did talk about all of that on the date. Like sports,food etc! We talked a lot. There wasn't any silence, apart from like a second or two! It's just I'm unsure how to continue after that

Perhaps responding to his text when he asked if you got home safely would have been a good start? 🙄

Instead you just ghosted him for five weeks.

It's just I'm unsure how to continue after that

Are you really? You really expect people to believe that? You have a lovely first date, excellent conversation, and then you just forget how to be a person?

I'm not buying it.

How old are you, OP? And how old is this man?

@Aquamarine1029 - no you have picked that up wrong. We went on a date and he text to ask if I got home okay, I responded the next morning.