DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Could he have met someone else during those three weeks away OP ?

Midlife crisis.

I would not be accepting his new outlook.
If you want to stay together, communication is the key. Why can't you share a new outlook together?

Ask him to have a really good think about who he wants to be.
A single man who neglects his responsibilities to his children and ex wife, or a man with a loving family working towards the children’s independence and a good retirement as a couple.

He has to make a choice. You can’t just “do your own thing” and please yourself when you’re married with children. Either he stays and accepts that as a father he puts his children first, or he leaves, “does his own thing” and loses his wife and family life. He can’t have it both ways - he’s married or he’s single.

It’s either a phase or he’s completely changing and well if his new life doesn’t suit you, then I would be inclined to begin a separation. It definitely wouldn’t suit me and my husband, although a deeply conventional man, thinks that because he spent a few months travelling, he is quite a free spirit.

I can see this type of thing happening with him and to be honest I think I’d just be inclined to give my DH an ultimatum and then show him the door if he couldn’t get his head straight

Well it sounds like an absolutely classic midlife crisis. That's very hard for you and sounds awful and I am so sorry OP.

I think all you can do is work out what YOUR hard boundaries are re are all of the issues:
Work/finances
Holidaying
Socialising/drinking
Sex.

And he has to think about what he wants to.

And then you need to sit down and talk about it and see if you can make them align.

For example - voyeurism - does he want to go to sex clubs and you to go with him, not to play with anybody else but just to watch? Would you consider this? (Perfectly fine to say no, that disgusts me, fuck off).

Going out drinking - well yes he should have some chances to do this provided he does not drink in a way that is harmful to himself or others, but equally so should you have social time alone. So how often is it ok for each to go out, what arrangements need to be in place to make it fair. (eg. Put on the calendar a few days in advance so the other one is aware they will be looking after the kids alone - whatever).

You see where I am going. Sadly people do change and grow out of relationships. Clarity and good communication are needed to see if your desired lifestyles are compatible any longer.

At least I guess he is being honest and telling you he wants to try new sexual activities - many people just slope off and do it....

But I am sorry for your pain OP - it's impossibly sad I know.

He may have met someone else but they were on the other side of the world. Saying that it could have been another member of the crew.
He often works away/abroad and with people who are younger and more attractive than me. I've always trusted him before.

Sorry trying to answer questions as they come up while wrangling two kids.
He's always been allowed to socialise as much as he wants (as have I) and we have always socialised as a couple. Along with that networking is a big part of his career. BUT now it's different. I can't put my finger on why.

You need to stand firm: none of this is ok. If he wants to behave like he’s single then he needs to be single. Tell him you want the relationship but will not accept this type of mistreatment - that what he thinks of as his freedom is actually
abusive to you and involves neglecting the DC.

I’m so sorry @TravellingWife What an absolute prick he’s being and so pathetic to be swayed by some feckless twat in this way. Utterly stupid.

What did he text this morning?

He's trying to live a bachelor's life, like his friend. But he's got a family. Oh dear!

I do think it's great to develop & change as a person. But his choices are only possible because you aren't making such choices - he's being very "gregg" 🙀

What is he going to do to ensure you have similar responsibility free choices? I suspect nothing.

He may want to consider how this new lifestyle will work when he is looking after his kids 50% of the time?

Either you talk and find a middle ground that works for you all as a family, or off he fucks to live his shiny "sexy" bachelor life, with the kids half the time.

He made a joke about being in his childhood single bed (I doubt he is. His mum has a guest room) I think he said that to remind me of when we first met and we used to have to squeeze in it together. He asked about DDs activity this afternoon.
He's literally just sent another one as I'm writing the message reminding me he is away much of next week.

He can't do as he pleases while he has a wife and children. So he has to make a choice which he wants

Hmm going to go against the grain a little bit.

People always say "mid life crisis" in a dismissive tone as if it's something stupid and flimsy but it's called a crisis for a reason. It sounds to me like he's realised there are some things he hasn't achieved that he wanted to. It might just be a phase born out of spending time with someone he finds impressive (my DP can be a bit like this, he comes back from visiting his very rich property developer friend full of chat about investments and property etc. until I gently remind him we have no money 😁) but if it's isn't it kind of points to him being at least in part unhappy.

Can you sit down and have a chat about BOTH of your goals, dreams, fantasies etc. and look for some common grounds? Then (within reason obviously) you could both find away to agree on what to share and what to carve out a fair amount of time for you both to do things on on your own and together?

That's what I'd try to do if it was my DP I think.

last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex."

Right. He's giving you a head's up that part of his groovy new lifestyle will be to cheat on you, but it's ok because forewarned is fair warned.

I'd be telling him to fuck right off with this bullshit.

Right. He's giving you a head's up that part of his groovy new lifestyle will be to cheat on you, but it's ok because forewarned is fair warned.

I'd be telling him to fuck right off with this bullshit.

Yup. My eyes nearly rolled out of my head reading about his self-indulgent nonsense tbh.

Yep. He’s paving the way to have an affair. What an arse!

all of this. he's a selfish so and so. He has a wife, dc and responsibilities fgs!!! issue an ultimatum, he's in or out. let him see how well can do his free spirited thing when he has the dc 50 50

You need to spell it out to him.

His new way of life only works because you're at home, looking after the kids, cleaning up the house and working to pay the bills.

What if you agreed with him and said you wanted a new way of life too and pissed off for a month to do a bit of travelling and exploring a new sexual side of yourself 🙄 whilst he had to do everything that you usually do? Would he be happy about that?

He can definitely have his new way of life; it's called being single and that involves divorce, paying his own bills, cooking and cleaning up after himself and caring for his kids 50% of the time.

Your life would be easier without him in it, so set him free.

Absolutely 💯

What a load of crap. Tell him to have a few nights in his single bed at mums house, and decide whether he wants to come home and behave like an adult, deserving of his loving family; or throw it all away in the pursuit of his 'dreams'.

Self indulgent is spot on.

Yes, this.
He wants a solid family base at home to swan in and out of. You can disabuse him of that straight away.

Lots of LTB here but I agree with HangingOver.

He wants things to change; is it possible that things could change in a way that didn't cross any of your boundaries, and that he would be happy with? It's worth discussing.

If not, then fine, the relationship is over. But he should be the one who has to be the bad guy and end it, because he needs to understand what he is sacrificing.

The reason he is able to change his life to suit his own needs alone is because you aren’t. You are in the background, looking after the kids, cooking for everyone else, maintaining the facade for entertaining. Are you able to go out and get drunk and not have to plan childcare? Do you have access to an unending supply of cash for expensive tattoos? Do you even get to do anything that makes you alone happy? The previous poster who said he was being a Gregg is right, maybe show him that viral masterpiece. Get your ducks in order.