DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

''@HangingOver

Hmm going to go against the grain a little bit.

People always say "mid life crisis" in a dismissive tone as if it's something stupid and flimsy but it's called a crisis for a reason. It sounds to me like he's realised there are some things he hasn't achieved that he wanted to. It might just be a phase born out of spending time with someone he finds impressive (my DP can be a bit like this, he comes back from visiting his very rich property developer friend full of chat about investments and property etc. until I gently remind him we have no money 😁) but if it's isn't it kind of points to him being at least in part unhappy.

Can you sit down and have a chat about BOTH of your goals, dreams, fantasies etc. and look for some common grounds? Then (within reason obviously) you could both find away to agree on what to share and what to carve out a fair amount of time for you both to do things on on your own and together?

That's what I'd try to do if it was my DP I think.''

I agree.

Yes, you are both parents and have responsibilities but if your life is just a endless, domestic slog that is not healthy either...

It would be good to have a mature discussion about this and compromise on finding ways to inject some enjoyment back in your life.

Because you just thinking your partner is being silly and dismissing him when he could be trying to tell you that he is genuinely unhappy with your current life is not going to get you far.

If you are only in your mid-30s you should still be enjoying life and you don't necessarily have to do everything together either. I think it is healthy for people to also have separate hobbies and friends so the relationship does not become suffocating.

If you got together when he was 19 it also means he probably feels he missed out on enjoying his youth.

Frankly part of me can see his point. Listen and don't come across as a disapproving mother...

Of course he can't live the life of a single man but at the same time you also should not be living a totally boring life when you are bother still young...

Yes. I knew a guy like this. At 47ish he married a 40 year old and became a (very good) stepdad and they quickly had two sons together. He was then waxing lyrical about family life to anyone who’d listen. Nice guy, but not so bohemian.

He might enjoy being on a leash though

Seriously OP just tell him to stay gone already.

'what goes on location, stays on location'
This might not be relevant but...
Thing is with TV is a big toxic soup. Talent, crew, production they are all only as good as the job they are on and lining up the next one. It niggles away and makes them boorish and overconfident in public and riddled with insecurity behind the scenes.
The mix of people does influence the tone of the shoot and these long periods away. Production chuck money at the day to day - hotels, meals, laundry, snacks, suncream. In that bubble, the possibilities feel endless, especially with someone dripping confident bullshit in your ear.

And then someone shouts 'its a wrap' and your back to your over mortgaged doer upper and no one asks if you want a snack.

It's a pact with the devil and everyone needs to see it, and be aware.

If he can't cope with the transition between being in the well paid bubble and then home life he needs to go into the 9 to 5 of corporate. Harder to edgy when your filming fat cats in business board meetings.

A bit of a runaround, like a dog?

With respect some couples don't flow like this, it can kinda ruin it for the woman sexually, for some women the thought of accepting back a tart of a man can give you the serious ick.

It's part and parcel of the whole man, the respect, care, love and monogamy that heightens a woman's pleasure in bed, once that has chipped away they can make you feel like vomiting over them instead of orgasming.

Usually the male knows the boundaries in his own relationship and his wifes conditions that create an enduring sex life.

Don't travel arround with your dick and expect to park it back where you feel it's most safe.

What a boring tiresome old twat he's become. This is so sad. I am sorry OP, I hope he has an epiphany soon :(

People always say "mid life crisis" in a dismissive tone as if it's something stupid and flimsy but it's called a crisis for a reason. It sounds to me like he's realised there are some things he hasn't achieved that he wanted to.

I'd acknowledge the possibility of a midlife crisis to him and tell him he had a choice, to explore that with a therapist now or else just ignore the possibility and go off and live his single life.

But not to come back to me after going off doing whatever to make himself happy etc blaming it on a midlife crisis and thinking that things could go back to normal.

Sounds like one of my family members when they're having a Mental health episode (( they're bipolar ))

I'd be shipping him off to the doctor op, something isn't right here.

Sounds like he’s met someone else on his time away op. Sounds a bit like he is absolving himself.

New hair cut, new clothes (I bet).. someone has turned his head. If he hasn't already he's planning to have sex with someone else and is just running idea past you.. as if to excuse his behaviour. I hope the talk goes well - my ExH worked away a lot, and practically lived a double life 🙄 it's more common than you think to play away whilst the wife does the donkey work!

This is happening to a friend of mine now. They are both early 30s, 1 young dc, she just started a fairly risky business. He met a new friend through work who was a rolling stone, no intention to ever settle, does lots of partying and bed hopping. The DH has now decided he's too young to be married and a dad, has moved out into a hostel (!) and only comes back when he's run out of protein meals (and like a mug she cooks them for him). He parties, takes drugs and she strongly suspects he's been unfaithful. She's not allowed to ask where he is as "he doesn't want to answer to anyone". Partying is "in his blood" apparently so he expects her to just wait in the wings for the few nights he can't be bothered 🤔.

Absolutely.
Safety and trust within an intimate relationship is the sexiest thing ever. I would never feel safe again in an intimate relationship if I was in a previously committed relationship and he felt entitled to just take a break from it and do his own thing. It would be over for me

He met someone else whilst he was away. Not that difficult working in TV I would imagine. She's opened his eyes to the amazing youthful man he still is and how he is wasted on family life! Simple as that. Leave him at his mums.

Midlife crisis!!!! If he looses you - he will regret it one day!

But don’t stay will him hoping he will grow out of it! Do what’s best for you and your kids. You deserve more.

depression andself harm dont compute(on my head)as level and grounded(even in short bursts).
in november-he made his new-life choice goals crystal clear. -they dont include you and the kids.
hes been live HIS way since.
i absolutely understand this isnt what you want or how you choose it to be.
add his latest(presumeably solo)ambiytions and kick him uts pretty much all you .
The fight in me overules-How dare he treat you so poorly, be so selfish. -but you havent indicated you have actually expressed your disapproval/hurt/or requested he stop this.
what you allow continues...YOU have to do you.and the kids and he seems to have opted out.you can not change other people.protect yourself and kids from his joyous adventuring draining the very soul right of you.
He can make his choices-from his mums sofa.
im sorry it so hurtful

Midlife crisis

I'd do exactly what he's doing back to him.

Vanish for a weekend trip on short notice leaving him with the kids. Spend family money on fun things. Have nights out. Get massages.
Hire a cleaner on household income.

Seriously if he wants to be a single man and live lile one, make it clear you will too. That its all very well doing as he pleases but you will do the same. So sometimes he'll have to pick up the slack cause you have a girly weekend away.

See how long it lasts when you pull his shit on him.

That being said...he sounds like a prize cunt. Creepy too with all the bedroom shit.
Best to divorce and run tbh. It's borderline abusive and I suspect it won't stay borderline. He's using his friend to excuse taking the piss our of you and using you as a skivy.

Old him isn't coming back.
Run.

This would be a hard no from me.
I'm sorry but when you have a partner and children it's not all about him and what he wants.
If he wants to live this way he can fuck off and live it by himself.

Yes but he needs a reality check about what responsibilities he has. He needs to realise that if you were to split you would expect him to have the kids 50/50 (even if that’s not what you really want). You wouldn’t be there as the loving partner to facilitate his work- he’d have to do it or find other childcare. Then he would actually have less time to live his desired new life style.
Don’t make it easy for him. Time to stand up for yourself.

I'm sorry but this is awful. I would remind him of the kind of man you married, vs the kind of man that he is showing himself to he right now, and sadly that is the man your children are seeing as they grow up.

Men who live their lives for themselves, with little care for their families often end up with no one who gives much more than a superficial fuck when they're old, dying or dead. Please do not be the wife who lives in the background, a far second to his ego and wants, you and the children deserve far better than to be cast aside and picked up according to his whims.

he just sounds mentally unstable to be honest

Exactly this. You are allowed to have a life too and he can't just see the kids or parent as and when it suits him so if he's working away from x date to x date you get to go away when he's back.
Unless of course he thinks that he's allowed to do whatever he wants if and as it suits him and that you have zero freedom to do anything?

Agreed!

I'd almost say let him off the leash for a bit for a runaround, make being careful a condition. See if he wants to come back and if yes, to take an STI test. He may come back ready to settle down
Hopefully the OP has slightly more self respect than the person who wrote this .

Prick.
And I guarantee if he found out she so much as was messaging another man or if she went to the pub one night and he couldn't get a hold of her he'd be hysterical and crying and saying she broke his heart, that type always do.