DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

I doubt he’s really thought it though.
can you have a childfree evening to talk about it.
is he paid in the U.K.? Will he pay his share if you separate? Will you pay him if you are the big earner.
Can you plan a more exciting future together?

I agree with this. Not that it’s ok for him to leave you with all the responsibilities etc but that these are normal feelings and something you can talk about together and find a way to allow both of you to feel fulfilled and understood. (This is assuming it’s otherwise a happy marriage and he is a decent chap.)

It's one thing to realise that you're not getting the most out of life and feel as if it's passing you by but he's gone full on free spirit mode! I think you both need to sit down and see where you go from here because it's not fair that he gets to float around doing whatever he fancies (including being more free about sex ) while you're at home doing all the drudge.

How old are you both?

How old when you got together?

Feels like a midlife crisis. More so, if you got together very young.

My DH has been up for more sex recently, after a dry spell, and he is also quite shy, but it's clearly only with me and I have really embraced this.

Which leads to my next question, does he want more sex with you, or does he mean other people? If with you, then I would expect that he has been trying to initiate sex with you? That would make sense. But if he just said that, and then hasn't been near you - weird!

Sounds like Hippy friend has been filling his head with shite.

Can you get into his phone and have a good rummage through texts, e-mails etc? I know that's a no-no on here, but I don't care!

@RobinEllacotStrike whats a gregg?

If I was in your shoes OP it would be a sit down and state of the facts and demonstrate how that's selfish and self absorbed. Other posters are right he's wanting single lifestyle with you in the background when he wants.

For me it would be a clear choice either he continues down the path he has been on since November on his own moves out (and pays maintenance) or he stops this behaviour and your a family and examine route cause together and elements which are achievable without being self absorbed

Answer the message about him being away most of next week, telling him that the week after that he will be solely responsible for the children.

Because you've thought about what he said and since you married young there are things you feel you've missed out on, and you're going to take a week to start doing them. In fact, you will be taking regular weeks away from home.

let him see how well can do his free spirited thing when he has the dc 50 50

having the kids 50 50 is unlikely to be part of his plans

Is Gregg I'm reference to Gregg Wallace and the post about him on here today?
We're mid 30s. I'm older than him but only by three and a bit years. Some people were a bit strange about that when we got together. I was 22 and he was 19 but I've always thought no one would be like that if the age was the other way around. Our families have always both been very happy for us. I earned more than him when he was learning the ropes/getting clients established. He earns more but has dramatic differences in what he earns month to month.
I've never minded Hippy Friend. In my opinion he's never lived his life for anyone else? He's same age as us and has never lived with anyone etc.

Reference to Gregg Wallace who is living his dream life while his wife and MIL do everything. He's been a hot topic (mostly of ridicule) this last week

These sort of suggestions are well-meaning, but usually really impractical and even more disruptive for kids involved. Also not really going to resolve anything in the long run, just tit for tat behaviour.

@TravellingWife sorry I was probably being a bit flippant. I wasn't referencing ages, more the H gets to do whatever he wants, with W in the background grafting away so H can live free as a bachelor within a marriage.

I don’t agree.
A short, sharp shock may make the dh realise he’s not young and single and can’t just do whatever he wants whilst dc are involved.
Far less disruptive if it works to solve things quickly.

Actually he can. We all can. We need to find a healthy balance that's all. You don't get to control someone just because you're married to each other. We are evolving and growing, we find compromise and acceptance, both might want to try new things. He can still be a good husband and dad and do things for himself.

I’m sorry but what about what you want?

You need to have a serious chat with him. Write down everything you want to say before you see him so you don’t get flustered/upset and forget anything. Think about what you want from the conversation and arrange a time to meet and talk.

Going against the grain here but he could be genuinely feeling like he's missing out and needs to experience a bit of excitement.
Sex and sexuality changes through the years, and the shame, self-censoring, pleasing your partner (instead of you), conforming to others expectations of sex can all stop you from fully developing and experiencing all that life has to offer.

People will roll their eyes and chalk it down to Mid life crisis but it's not. I have personal experience of having what was a very long term vanilla sex life with one partner, he got bored, wanted to experiment and never told me (I too was bored but happy), and he ended up cheating multiple times to experience things he wanted to. If he had sat me down like yours had and told me of his feelings, sure it would have been a shock but maybe it would have helped. He didn't, lived a double life, it came out, lots of hurt, relationship destroyed, I became physically ill from the stress, and took me years to even contemplate dating.

As it happens, I met someone who opened my eyes to how sex can be in it's true form. When you really let go, free of shame, bad experiences and truly want to pleasure someone and be pleasured in return. There's absolutely no going back for me. I'm having the best sex of my life. I'm a kinky so and so now. It's incredible.

Your DH is giving you the chance to jump on board with his new found lust for life. He wants to experiment and experience with you. He has opened himself up and made himself vulnerable to shame and rejection.

If you want your relationship to work with him you need to listen to him and enter a conversation with an open mind. Discuss what he wants, what excites him, and also what excites you, what do you secretly harbour. Read articles on sexuality together, think about how you can safely explore with boundaries and have fun, that's the most important thing.

But I will say one thing, once you have a sexual awakening like your DH is wanting, it's very hard to go back to things before.

He was quite young when you got together (you were too but a lot of people do a lot of their sexual exploration between 19 and 22 probably!) so I can see from his point of view that he may feel he now wants to catch up on "fun" he missed out on by settling down quite young.

BUT he can't have it all. You have to make it clear to him that if he wants the benefits of staying married to you he has to accept and respect your boundaries. Then be thoughtful and clear on what those are.

Sadly he may decide he does not want constraints on his freedom. In that case I think you need to stand firm and be ready to co-parent with him as two single parents.

But I will say one thing, once you have a sexual awakening like your DH is wanting, it's very hard to go back to things before.

Couldn't agree more. Your DH wants change, OP. You can't just say nope, I'm fine.

But you can require as a condition of him staying married to you, he grows in a way that is honest and encompasses his responsibilities as well as his needs and wants.

Thanks!

never liked that wanker! 😆

It’s all very well people bleating on about him needing to experience more diverse sexual acts etc…. But did they miss the bit where the OP says he’s now sodding off on holidays by himself, cooking only for himself, and generally pulling away from his wife, children and family unit? All because he’s had his head turned by this wanker friend who’s a so-called free spirit?!?!

Selfish man-child tosser behaviour. I’m so sorry OP - this must be so painful. I’d make clear to him this behaviour change is unacceptable, and if he wishes to remain in the family unit that HE chose, he needs to get to family therapy with you pronto, to explore what’s going on and to repair the damage he’s causing. 💐

Would you consider a few sessions with a couples counsellor to talk all this through?

I don't really agree with pp who are excusing him. I think he's being selfish, childish and controlling. But telling him that is probably just going to make him defensive. Talking it all through and seeing if everyone's needs could be met in some way would be a good option, I think.

No, you can’t do what you want when you have children, because you are responsible for them. He doesn’t get to swan off whenever he feels like it, unless OP is there to look after the children, so his ability to do what he wants, relies on her being left in the background picking up the shit he leaves behind. Do you acknowledge how that leaves HER the one being controlled?

P1ppi has nailed it with this:

“You need to spell it out to him.

His new way of life only works because you're at home, looking after the kids, cleaning up the house and working to pay the bills.

What if you agreed with him and said you wanted a new way of life too and pissed off for a month to do a bit of travelling and exploring a new sexual side of yourself 🙄 whilst he had to do everything that you usually do? Would he be happy about that?

He can definitely have his new way of life; it's called being single and that involves divorce, paying his own bills, cooking and cleaning up after himself and caring for his kids 50% of the time.

Your life would be easier without him in it, so set him free.”

I read somewhere that midlife crises hit men harder than women because women become more used to adversity and having their dreams and ambitions curtailed at an earlier age. Men are socialised to put themselves first and it can come as a shock at middle age to realise they may not achieve all their desires.

You can be free and explore new things as a married father, but you can't do it all at once all on your own. Married young or not, he has responsibilities that he presumably chose, he can't just can't just opt out because he has FOMO all of a sudden.
Would be ultimatum time for me. I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for DH to finish "finding himself".