DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

So he wants to remain married and have all the good things that come with marriage, but he wants to live his life as he sees fit = have his cake and eat it!

I'm confused Op, you make him leave and he doesn't seem to be upset, or even taking you seriously, he just talks about his work schedule? It's not the reaction I'd expect

Text him back

'I've been thinking about this new life and I agree, so no problem dear, you go off and do you next week. The week you get back I'm off to fun 'me' so you'll need to be home to pick up the slack with the kids, house etc. you'll need to cover the bills as I'm spending my half on my week retreat' should see you the weekend I get back - bye dear'

It doesn't add up. My guess is he's already cheating and is in a big muddle about it so justifying it to himself with these ideas about deserving happiness and making life count.

DH your idea was a bit of a shock as I wasn’t expecting it. On reflection you could be right. We could be living more adventurously.

How will it work practically? You won’t be able to reduce your hours because two households will be more expensive to run. Obviously there’s the childcare issue on your weeks as well. You may need a nanny as you are away at work a lot.

I’ve been wishing I could go to x,y,z and take up a,b,c but thought I’d have to wait till we retire but you’re right, why should we? If we take it in turns with the kids, we’ll have more time to ourselves.

This.

Yup. It's textbook, honestly.

I'd call him on it. Tell him his new persona doesn't include being a husband or father so better that you spilt up. He'll he having the dc 50:50 or if you have them he will have to pay XXXX in maintenance. Which will he prefer? There will be housing to sort out too.

Stop facilitating him. Force him to accept his responsibilities one way or another. Right now you are doing everything so he can piss around

at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism

I'd want to run if I heard that.

Whilst it's not quite on the same level as something like choking, voyeurism is a fantasy, sometimes reaching fetish level that is based on a lack of consent. That's the whole point of it - it's the excitement of seeing something they shouldn't, something the other person wouldn't want to be seen.

At this point your husband seems to be in the middle of breaking up with you....except he's neglected to tell you this. The change in behaviour, his spending habits, booking things by himself, suddenly cooking just for himself....I wasn't at all surprised when he started mentioning sexually exploring as well.

He doesn't want to be explicit about it because at this point, he's experimenting with how far he can go with this until you reach breaking point. I really do sympathise with people feeling trapped, feeling like their life wasn't really lived, but I have a suspicion that he'd probably like both of you to have some kind of open relationship but still live under the same roof....one where you will always be on hand to look after the kids when he wants to go gallivanting. That I'm less sympathetic about.

It sounds like a midlife crisis. Hopefully it will pass. Maybe he could keep some of his newfound freedoms as a compromise but obviously not the ones that are detrimental to your way of life.

I'd ask him for a trial separation.

He can live his new exciting life from the spare room at his mum's house.

I'd also put a CM claim in and ask him to formalise contact arrangements for the kids - might bring him back to reality as to where his actions are likely to lead.

I’d tell him to leave and live his single life properly (to quote the late Queen he can’t be half in half out). The voyeurism thing would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t be using the children as a weapon, he can pay maintenance. I’d be so completely turned off by his new behaviour I wouldn’t want him anymore.

Midlife

I hope you can sort things.

30 is a bit young for a midlife crisis. I think they were very young when they met and now he wants to be young and free again. His free spirit friend's filled his head with stories of sleeping around and now he wants to go and do the things he missed out on. Which would be fine if he wasn't married with DC.

But at the moment he isn't...

Sadly, it sounds as if your marriage is over. It sounds like he has checked out and if he has not then, he’s not being respectful towards you at all. I couldn’t live with someone who has carried on the way he has.

Sorry to say this but it's sounds so familiar - the wanting to be free, the doing own things, even the sexual experience aspect. We hung on for another few years him compromising on my red lines I should add, he's not a bad man, then split once youngest was an adult. Even the mental health situation is similar (just not the job)

In all honesty, I wish we had split sooner in retrospect though I can't complain about my life now, it's great.

All I can advise is to talk, keep talking and try to think about yourself, build your own life. Try not to build up resentment or hatred (I know hard!) because in the long run, you share children and it's far easier to rebuild without anger. Keep an open mind for now, but an eye to the future ... honestly, there's a life out there, don't stick around for the dregs like I did.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful

So he wants you to be his support human why he self indulges in his holidays?

I mean FFS.

Have a conversation about where the equity is. If he has time out you should too.

If that doesn't land then explain the consequences, that this isn't the partnership you signed up for and how you divorce and co-parent amicably.

This would mean 50-50 custody.

See how he likes that reality check.

He's sleeping around, or trying to. Get yoir affairs in order.

While it's fine to acknowledge life is boring you, or you want to change things...it's not fine to act like a selfish prick.
I read down original post thinking " we'll get to the bit about him wanting new sex soon"...it's like cheaters bingo and your DH has full house.

It was the booking stuff for just himself and cooking just for himself that made me go wtaf...if he'd said "I fancy seeing this band..I'm going to get a ticket" and op has said "lovely, not my thing , have great time" ...that's one thing..that's healthy, having separate interests etc. but it sounds like he is not including his wife or offering to include her.

I'm sorry OP but I think there's OW...

Id recommend you get copy of "the break" by Marion keyes ..and read it.

Midlife crisis is such a polite way of saying self indulgent asshole, isn't it?

I can totally understand why someone who settled down at 19, may feel that they missed out on a lot.

While it's understandable, he is going about this terribly. He seems to want the vest of both worlds - wife, family at home. Other lovers &friends when away.

He wants change & something different. You need to talk and see if you can find something that works for you both but if not I suspect it's the beginning of the end.

Pathetic navel-gazing. No doubt he wants the home comforts and you facilitating his 'new life'.

Or, instead of having to take yourself away from your home and kids for a week to achieve the “short, sharp shock” do as OP has done and tell him to leave?

This reminds me of what I went through with my ex.

i was early 30’s he was late 30’s, we had been together 10 years and my ex had a very ‘single’ friend in his 40’s who had gone through a bitter divorce and was encouraging my ex not to waste his life etc. Out of the blue my ex announced he was going on holiday to Thailand with his friend, for 3 weeks, somewhere we’d planned to go together and would use up all his annual leave so we couldn’t have a holiday. Their friendship became extremely toxic towards our relationship and we did split.

Sounds like his friend might be influencing him. Hope you work things out.

He'd be doing his own thing well away from me I think...