DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Sorry I was doing the food shop so I have a lot to catch up on.
I left the kids at his mum's as he usually has them when I do the food shop. I annoyingly felt nervous about seeing him. However, he had gone to get a haircut?! I've spoken to him on the phone. He's taking DD to her club this afternoon and coming back here afterwards. I said we need to talk seriously tonight.
I think the reason why he was joking this morning is because he wanted to move on from our argument without dealing with it.

People have mentioned about leaving him with the kids week after next. I'm not sure if I made it clear, it is normal for him to work away. He is free lance so it varies when/where ect but its unusual for him to work away. I can't fuss about that. Its literally his job.

His CURRENT job may cause him to work away, but if you divorce and he becomes a single parent, he may need to get a job that's more child-friendly and works around school hours, as presumably he'll be having them 50% of the time.

This is what you need to spell out to him in words of one syllable.

If he loses you, he loses wraparound childcare, so he can't travel, can't work away, can't disappear on boys weekends away etc because he has kids to look after and you are not going to do that 100% of the time; he is responsible for 50% of their care and if that means him changing his current role and taking a job in the local supermarket so he can be there for school pick up on his weeks, so be it.

These men that think women are trapping them are ridiculous, you being his partner is giving him the freedom to do all the activities and have the career he does now. It's him being a responsible parent that he's trying to run away from.

Does anyone actually believe this man will take his kids 50:50 after a split?
He will see them when he is at home and not working.
Also he is free lance so self employed and can avoid paying proper maintenance.
OP do you have access to his financial records and tax returns. I would be taking copies now because you will need them.

Yes, we do see. It’s not whether you object. It’s that he only manages his current lifestyle with your massive support.

What’s the financial position like? Who is the main earner? You are clearly the default parent and main carer.
can he afford to set up alone?

It can be part of op's plans. In any case he needs to know it's one of the options she's considering which will put might give his head a wobble

He's either cheated or will next time he's away. I'd be leaving him on that basis but the spending money on tattoos etc. I would be equally annoyed at if not consulted about.

Well, he sounds like an awful, selfish prick.

Honestly all these posters telling you to leave...first have a grown up conversation about sex and everything, what's in his head? Is it things that you are open to, is it not ..is there a compromise position? Go from there. If he won't open up and won't talk it through, then make a decision on the information you do have. Make it clear though that actions have consequences, he can make choices but you have the right to make your own choices based on his.

He wants to act like a single man and that's morally wrong. He doesn't get to all but abandon his family so he can be "free." I highly suspect that he's either met someone else or is planning to.

Well, if he needs to be away for work next week it’s fine.
The problem is all other trips and outings which are not for work. I think he tried your boundaries and it felt nice as you didn’t complain at all so now he’s moving into next stage- free sex life.
Nothing wrong with him wanting free life, he just needs to meet other commitments such as work and family life. You have to talk to him how you are going to manage this new life. He won’t be able to have all what he wants ( it’s impossible). He can of course have some changes if you are comfortable with them .
I would listen him out, take time to think, present with my arguments and tell him to f* off. I think the divorce is on the cards (I do hope it’s not…) but maybe it’s worth playing nicely for a bit to get your arguments and resources together.

Sounds like he is using his friend's 'advice' as an excuse to be a selfish wanker! Tell him straight you don't like this new him and set some boundaries if he wants to stay married to you.

He means he is jealous of his friends life with little obligation. Feels he missed out on being a single adult since he was so young when you got together.

He wants a life where he has little obligation. He wants to live life like he is single and childless.

He may have already cheated. He wants to be free to sleep with whoever he wants. But wants you to say it’s ok, so he isn’t the bad guy when he shags other people. Either he already has and doesn’t want to be weighed down by guilt. Or he wanted to, didn’t, but wants you to say he can ‘be free, sexually’ so he can shag someone next time.

When he says ‘I want to live my life for me not just based on making other people happy’ he means ‘I don’t like that I can’t do what I want, when I want and don’t want to consider you or the kids when I am living my life for me’

and after an argument where you asked him to leave, he made contact by making a joke then went into town for his hair cut, rather than be there when his kids were dropped off?

He may be jealous of his friend. But he chose to have kids and get married. His friend chose not to.

Yup

So he’s found an extra special reason to be selfish? How unusual 🙄

Tell him
Your new outlook has prompted some reflection of my own and I’ve decided I’m also going to be selfish. With that in mind I don’t want to be with someone who always puts themselves first at the expense of me and our kids so we’ll be separating.

What would you want to do if you could live more the way he’s saying he’s going to? Maybe there’s a different chapter ahead in which you both get to explore new things and avoid regrets in the future. If it were me I’d be freaked out by such a sudden shift but I’d also admire the intent to live life fully, while not appreciating the current application of that intent which sounds quite selfish. I’d also inquire with myself whether my response to his new approach was angry or whatever because actually I’d like that for me but don’t feel I can have it…

Cherchez la femme...

I’m going to be honest and blunt with you op.
I have seen this many times.
What he is actually saying is this “I no longer want to be with you.”
Trust me. He will meet someone else. He will live a domesticated life with that other person. He might go on to have children with that other person, the other person will dictate this.
He might have ideas of living as a free spirit travelling around gazing at the stars, lying on the beach etc etc. that will not last.
You can decide to tolerate this or get your ducks in a row now.
What ever you decide he will commit adultery, if he hasn’t done so already, I can guarantee you of that.
He will continue to do as he pleases. Of course he will throw in the odd line about missing his children they always do.
Either way you are on a hiding to nothing.
You can either cut your losses now or prolong the agony.

The 50:50 kids thing.

My XH said he was going to go for full custody of our kids. He promptly moved 400 miles away and didn't see them for four years, at all. My 'free EOW and half the week?' Not a chance, I was full time, sole charge, no breaks.

Men like this may pay lipservice to 50:50, but when it comes up against the lifestyle that they want to live, you don't see them for dust.

I bet when the hippy dippy friend hits his late 40’s he will suddenly shack up with a much younger woman, quickly have children and bang on forever about how liberating it is to be a father. Will really piss of DH if he actually permanently loses his family in his quest for “freedom”.

This happened to my husband too OP, he got involved in that fetish website fetlife and turned into an asshole overnight.
My lovely husband was gone. We got divorced and I don't want him back.

Sounds a bit like my dad..

Had it all. Took off wanting to get 'himself back'. Sure he probably had fun for a few years but it didn't take that many to be begging my mum to take him back.

No chance.

He's living by himself on a shitty old boat now, no friends, only I think some equally sad alcoholic blokes and his kids don't want to know him.

Worked out well for him 😅

Love the way it’s nearly always men that suddenly decide they are “free spirits” and try and pull this kind of shit exploring their “new selves” doing what they damn well please whilst wifey stays at home minding the kids, doing the food shop, doing the washing, keeping things level for the family. Meanwhile he’s selfishly cooking his own meals, thinking about shagging around, going all lone wolf because y’know, he hasn’t found that side of himself yet etc etc. FFS

I don’t have the patience for this kind of immaturity. I just wouldn’t entertain it sorry

Good luck to him. Doubt he's taken child support & seperate housing costs into his new life budgeting but it is what it is.