DH new outlook on life/sex

[TravellingWife]

DH works in the arts. I've always found him to be grounded and level headed despite working with people who definitely aren't. He has been prone to depression and for years he self harmed.
In November he worked away for three weeks with a friend of his who I would describe as a bit of a hippy. He's a nice bloke but has no kids, no long term partner and his own set of issues. I don't think he brings out the best in DH.
When DH arrived back from his trip he declared he had been talking to his friend and his friend had told him that he was going to stop wasting life trying to make others happy. And DH said he was going to do the same. He said he could see his life passing one day at a time and not getting what he wanted in life! This upset me as we have two kids and a pretty nice life with enough money/holidays ect.
So since Nov DH has been pretty much doing his own thing. Booking trips away without inviting us. Cooking food just for himself on occasions. Going boozing on the weekend. Not taking jobs when the money would be helpful as he doesn't fancy it. Spending a sizable amount on new tattoos and clothes.
Obviously this has caused friction but last night he told me that he wanted to be "more free with sex." He said he didn't want to become an old man and not have done the things he wanted to do because he married young. He even suggested at one point he wanted to get into voyeurism! DH has always been pretty vanilla and I would say shy in the bedroom. I asked him to leave and he slept at his mum's last night. He texted me this morning but I haven't replied.
I know it sounds silly but this isn't him. It's like a different person talking. I miss DH so much.

Oh yes and it’s a very short lived exploration usually. They’re usually trying to come back in a year or so with their tail between their legs.

He needs to understand his choices - and he needs to make one. No way would I tolerate this nonsense. Either he gets back on board with family life, or he leaves.

Midlife for Dummies. Scarily accurate ... watch it unfold step by step

https://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm

Absolutely. He's already done an amazing job. He already essentially blamed the op for getting married too young and starting a family, with a gun held to his head, obviously. He's missed out on so much shagging and it's all the op's fault. The poor dear. 🙄

@TravellingWife I suggest you use sometime this afternoon before he gets back to jot some of the things down and list his behaviours since November.
So that you can keep on track. Also note down what are hard nos for you but be clear if you want to work on this marriage but that if he does things need to change.

You were very young when you got together, he was a teenager, you several years away from full maturity.

You said he was shy and vanilla - he's now realising what he thinks he missed, the wild-oats-sowing phase, the growing up, getting to know himself, having adventures and experiences he thinks other men are having all over the place.

He never experienced sex with different women, different tastes and practices.
He thinks he's missed out.

He's a bit young for a midlife crisis, but he launched straight into a relationship as as soon as he hit adulthood, followed by fatherhood.

This hippy friend - is he definitely just a friend? No possibility that your DH has realised there's something else he missed out on?

It's also quite possible he's had some adventures on his trips away for work and solo holidays. What happens on location stays on location, as they say.

Time for a calm adult conversation about how he and you both see the relationship, the marriage, the family, the future looking. Are you actually compatible, in your adult forms?

I'd almost say let him off the leash for a bit for a runaround, make being careful a condition. See if he wants to come back and if yes, to take an STI test. He may come back ready to settle down.

You on the other hand may decide the fact he even accepted the offer is the end.

If you separate he'll have to step up and pay up - 50:50 in time, childcare and cash; which he seems to have ducked out of quite successfully so far. He might find separating and living the single life would tie him down far more than when you were around shouldering the wife and care work.

I'd love to know who that friend of his had been making happy. Precisely nobody from the sound of it.

I wouldn't put up with this nonsense. "OK so we will divorce as obviously that isn't something I'm going to tolerate. I'll speak to a solicitor on Monday and I'll pack up your things and leave them with your mum."

Yes, this is what I would say too.

As some PP said, I understand your DH. I'm 45 and enjoying a "second season" with new experiences I haven't had before. I have kids and I'm responsible for them, I don't live like a single person. (I divorced, but some couples do that together)

Your DH can have new experiences and a family. It's up to you to decide of you want to stay married and make it work somehow.

(The guy settled at 19! It's natural to want new experiences in life).

I read his wants, and his behaviour since Nov as wanting to separate then divorce.

FFS. You are being lined up as the maid here to his new pursuits. And infidelity to come.

It's better to be divorced than this, at least for you. Not for him

In your discussion how about saying you've been thinking about his wants and needs and that you want the same level of freedom to please yourself. Ask him for his suggestions about how that is going to work for your family.

Call his bluff the selfish fucker.

This ^

Sounds like a midlife crises OP.

He did not give a fuck you kicked him out, he likely enjoyed the time away. Sorry, OP.

@JFDIYOLO
I'd almost say let him off the leash for a bit for a runaround, make being careful a condition. See if he wants to come back and if yes, to take an STI test. He may come back ready to settle down.

😷He's not on a leash

He's not through with the 'experience' that's he's already committed to though is he?

He has 2 kids and he's decided nah can't be arsed making other people happy anymore, I'm entitled to go off now and do what I want.

This seems to be a particular problem with 'creative' men. I have seen this on MN so many times, a particularly fine example being the one who wanted to go to Nashville to make it as a country singer while his wife was to stay at home working and looking after two small children.

I have my own DH problems at present so wouldn't presume to give relationship advice, but just sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

Please don't think that you have to just accept whatever arrangements he wants out of this "new life".

Don't feel bad saying "ok, then you need to leave"

The artistic, middle class, bohemian and cosmopolitan mid life crisiser.

Embarked upon earlier as he's so intellectual.

Lovely.

Voyerism ? Good god he really wanted you to chuck him out for this weekend didn't he.

Personally I'd sleep with his friend even if I had to put a bag over his head.

What an ungrateful bastard, don't forget this.

He either already has an OW or is about to have one. I would put money on the former.

Hang on, he wants to get into voyeurism? So he wants to become a sex criminal?

You two need a frank discussion.
You need to know where your own boundaries are.

How old is he?
Is he coming up to 40 for example?

I agree about mid life crisis.
He married young, which in my limited experience, wont be helping.

I would advise you to be careful[not quite sure how]. Also, in my limited experince, this type of thing may not end well.

Spot on

That's actually brilliant.

I think op this may be a reflection of his mental state if it is really out of character and he has struggled with that in the past. However he's taken reasonably sound advice and interpreted it to the extreme. I'm wondering if he has bi polar and could be on a bit of a 'high'?

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you understand he's feeling the need to prioritise his own needs more and you can support that to an extent, it cannot come at the expense of the needs of his wife and children. That you have needs from him in order to be happy and feel safe in your marriage and that includes him being financially responsible, shared quality time, planned and agreed time away solo, monogamy and consideration and respect for you as his wife. I'd take some time and think about exactly what your needs are so you can be crystal clear with him on this. And I'd tell him very clearly that he does not get to live like a single man when he has a family and a wife. That you deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be with you or views you as a chore or a tie. I'd be clear that he's hurt your feelings with his behaviour and I'd tell him clearly how exactly he's made you feel. I'd tell him that if he wants to continue the marriage then he needs to go for counselling regularly and ongoing to look after his mental health and help him find a suitable balance between meeting his own needs while still honouring his responsibility as a husband and father. If he can't do that op then you tell him that he's changed and undermined completely the marriage you signed up for and is now proposing something you don't want. Either he meets you halfway and agrees to your boundaries or he leaves and you separate. I'd speak to a solicitor and financial advisor and get your ducks in a row op. It's heartbreaking but you need to be clear on what you need going forwards and also what going it alone would look like and identify your support networks now.

It sounds like he's scared of getting older or is on the verge of a mental health dip but either way, he's an adult who is responsible for himself. It's not your job to stand by and accept his bullshit. And you do deserve better.