Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Are you inviting him over and asking for all this help, a bit damsel in distress-y?

Eh, I think you know you need to back off a bit, especially if you're sensing Sarah is getting antsy! Just cool it a bit.

🙄

I can't think for one second why Sarah might be upset.

Lines can be crossed very easily here
I'd stop inviting him on his own and be a loyal friend to Sarah as you know she's feeling unsettled
Don't be that awful friend who ends up emotionally wrapped around someone else's husband

I think if it is making Sarah uncomfortable I would try to see what it was, is he asking your advice instead of hers? Is he spending a lot of time dropping in to yours? Do they drop in together? I’m not sure you should do anything but I’m not sure I would want to cause Sarah any discomfort either.

How did you manage DIY stuff before he swept in to rescue you? Who did he get his advice from?

If you value her then back off.

I should say that I would never ever overstep here

Seriously?? You’ve already massively overstepped and playing the innocent isn’t convincing.

Your friends husband drops into yours for advice and does DIY for you and you’re seriously wondering why his wife is off with you. You know exactly what the issue is.

Yes back off a bit. It's great that you get on well but I would not be oleased if my husband was asking "advice about stuff" too much from another woman. What kind of advice?

You know it’s inappropriate but are hoping people will side with you. Cool it with “Steve”, he’s married and worst still, to your friend of over 10 years.

I would speak to Sarah about it.

I wouldn’t like it if my partner popped into a woman’s for advice or to do jobs without me present. Insecure or not it wouldn’t be happening out of respect.. if it was happening to you I bet you wouldn’t like it either. I’d stay away from Steve on his own totally.

It's not marital advice is it?! Sounds like big overstepping/ verging on emotional affair.

"Sensing a chill" from her could be anything or nothing. She might be under stress due to something you don't know about.

You'll get a ton of posters saying you're overstepping but I don't think there's anything wrong with your friendship with Steve. I've clicked platonically with some of DP's friends (as he has with some of mine) and it's only a positive to have more friends in your life. You know there's othing untoward going on.

But you need to communicate more if you think there's something amiss, both with him and with her. Right now everyone just seems to be silently making assumptions.

You know appropriate boundaries aren’t weight dependent, don’t you? Do you think she deserves for you to have mentionitis over her husband because she’s better looking than you?

see more of sarah on her own and include her in stuff you do together with Steve. It sounds like he’s more a brother figure.

I don’t think you should be in the position where her husband has become one of your ‘best friends.’

And I think a friendship with your partner’s mate is different from your friend’s husband.

Yes this. DH has a very longstanding friend who has been doing this lately. She kept ringing him out of the blue in the middle of baby/toddler bedtime while I was having the worst mental health crisis period of my life.

One night, when he fucked off into the baby's room to have another endless long private conversation about how to restart her computer (or make a cup of tea, or whatever it was this time) when I needed to put the baby in the cot in there, after 20 minutes I ended up losing it and screaming at him so loudly she heard me. I felt awful of course and now she's not speaking to me.

It's really awkward because I liked her a lot.

Just don't be that person, OP.

I've known so many marriages end over the "oh my god we are just besties, he does my DIY and we have banter and he asks my advice, but his wife is soooooo pretty, he would NEVER be interested in me" woman.

It's like a bloody script.

See them in a couple setting only, you know his wife doesn't like it, and with good reason imo.

You know exactly where this is leading OP
Don't be that person

I think Steve is a bit of a dick. I have single friends and I my dh has always been very careful to keep a respectful distance, he obviously would help them, but would consider popping in for advice a huge overstep. My friends in return have always repected him for that. We have one friend in the group, "let's call him Dave", your friend Steve sounds like my mate's husband Dave. Dave oversteps with one particular single friend, she has taken advantage a little and let him do little jobs, but Dave gets overshares, gets clingy and later became incredibly flirty - my friend showed Dave's wife the text messages. The friendships are all now dead in the water, members of the group a little unfairly blame the single friend because "she knew what she was doing" as much as they blame Dave for being a slimey git.

Pull it back.

Advice about what? Something specific that you know about that's temporary eg you're a probate lawyer advising on a tricky will for a friend, or being an ongoing listening ear about a variety of personal issues so his wife feels cut out/ doesn't know if she's being discussed?

It's a shame but it's sounding a bit emotional crutch/ emotional affair-y rather than just good friends. This could be totally one sided but it doesn't matter to Sarah. You're still entertaining it. Sorry.

I'm a big believer in men and women being friends but I think there have to be boundaries and these sometimes have to exclude lots of private chats behind closed doors.

This in spades! Yes I'm sure in cool MN world men and women can be best chums and it's all fine, but this is the real world and boundaries are bloody important for a reason.

@gannett, You are perfectly reasonable, but I am not sure.
It is not fair to expect Steve not to help one of his wife's friends. We can expect him to do so and to be friendly.
We can not really expect her friend to ban her from chatting with her husband.
It is perhaps up to the OP to act pre-emptively.

Good grief!!! Talk about embellishing the story! Calm down people!

@WhereIsBebèsChambre No I dont invite him over, ever! I have always done my own DIY, badly, recently he has offered to help. He comes over with my friend/his wife, sometimes with their kids (my DC's friends) or with a builder mate if its the odd jobs (Steve is a tradesman.) So no distressed damsel act - in fact Sarah and Steve have both told me off before now for not asking for help more!

@Hereyoume Cryptic!

@SamW98 Playing the innocent?? I have concerns lately so have come here to ask for advice/opinions and that's playing the innocent?

@malificent7 Having a male friend must = emotional affair?

Blimey. The funny thing is, for those of you who think I'm wrong here, one of the best things about Steve is the fact that he is married! It means that I know the boundaries of our friendship, and I felt secure knowing that there wouldn't ever be any misunderstadnings/expectations in the way there can be with single male friends. But if Sarah thinks like most people here do, then I need to end the friendship with Steve somehow.