Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

That poster was getting angry and accusing other posters of not trusting their partners. Not accepting that most couples don't have Husband Steve going to his wife's single friend to do DIY and talk about finances and feminist issues. I don't even think Steve is shagging grey haired chubby OP but I was just saying it wouldn't be my Husbands way to spend his spare time.

I'm just used to my Husband wanting to be with me in his spare time which I like. We both have full time jobs, Children, Grandchildren, Dogs, mutual friends. I'd find it hard to meet up with Steve and listen to him off load whilst fixing something. Whilst making my friend insecure.

Do you find him attractive? If not, there's nothing to worry about but you should still spend less time with him and reassure his wife. Are you dating anyone? Even more reason not worry.

I think some people need to go back and read the OP's first post. I think OP needs to find a boyfriend.

OP you're if not overstepping, at least facilitating it. Be friendly to Steve when he's with your friend if you like but otherwise just step away

@Fammm However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.

How do you know this ?

I’d speak to Sarah. There’s nothing wrong with being friends with a married man if you are just friends.

you’ve said you sense a chill from Sarah, why do you think this relates to your relationship with her DH? It could be you said something that jarred with her a bit or anything else! The fact you’ve assumed it’s because of your relationship with her DH does make me query if it is entirely platonic (even if you would never act on it).

I’m going to go totally against the grain here. I found out a mum of a child in one of my kids classes was going through a divorce, I didn’t really know her but she was moving to our area so I reached out and asked her and her kids to a small party we were having. They came along, we got on great and the rest is history! We hung out loads as a threesome of adults ( me, DH and friend), sometimes with kids, other times not if her dc were with their dad. My DH helped her with DIY, we both supported emotionally. We lived abroad then and if I was back in the UK for summer then DH and friend would often hang out together. Did I mind? Absolutely not, I was glad they both had company. Did I worry that something was going on? Hand on heart, never…because I trusted my DH totally and my friend would never do what someone had done to her (her ex was a cheat). I don’t know why your friend is being cool, maybe she feels threatened, maybe he has form? I do think you should talk to her about it, if not directly you could maybe express your thanks to her for “sharing DH’s time” and to let her know that if ever it’s too much (eg distracting from family time) then she should tell you. We moved back to the UK and both miss our friend a lot. DH was lucky enough to go back to our former country on a work trip recently and managed a catch up with our friend…on my suggestion!😊 Good luck OP.

Are you married, children & a full time job with male colleagues, have lots of female friends with male partners you see a lot of?

It's enough for me.

I think you need to back off.

Being attractive doesn’t come into it most men want to have their cake and eat it.

My neighbour became single I immediately felt sorry for her, helped her with childcare, invited her in for drinks. Even allowed her into my house on Christmas Day. My ex would do odd jobs for her.

I never thought anything was going on as she was very plain and boring. But low and behold it was, she had been my friend for 10 years and him my partner for 18.

I’m mates with a lot of friend’s husband but I’m always very cautious after what happened to myself and certainly wouldn’t be getting them to do jobs for me.

In the nicest possible way, a man with a close female friend of his own is highly unlikely to do anything but act equally (and suitably) surprised at the idea a man and woman can't be platonic friends. So I'm not sure your DH is the best guide to male behaviour in this case. If we were to all ask our partners if they fancied spending a few hours a week listening to our mate talk about feminism while they put her wardrobes together, grouted her kitchen and unblocked the U bend, the answers may be a little more revealing.

If Steve is coming round looking for your advice and wanting to do DIY for you then he’s seeking attention, a shag, or an exit affair. Do they have young children? Maybe he’s looking for a bit of peace or he’s trying to duck out of chores. Maybe he wants the sex he’s not getting at home, or maybe he wants to spend time with someone who isn’t in his back to do a bit of tidying up and putting the kids to bed. Regardless, it’s none of your business - not your circus, not your monkeys. Step back from both for a bit, and give yourself the space to reflect on why you got to the point you needed to share it on Mumsnet, and why you are so bothered by this situation..

Not surprised his wife isn't pleased. This is how a lot of affairs start. Back off and don't invite him in. You sound totally naive in the ways of the world.

Not once have you wondered whether everything is ok in Sarah and Steve's marriage. Whether he's a complete shit to her at home but being nice to other women to rub her face in it.

It's not something you would initially think, sure - but as time goes on and boundaries blur more and more?

I would never entertain a friend's husband like this and be dumbstruck about the chill in the air she was then creating. Poor Sarah.

It is inappropriate for him to drop in on you. Strange you don't see it yourself.

You must have very very limited experience
of life to think marriage means boundaries will be enforced and nothing can ever happen.

Its clearly not your intention but your posts read like an excited teenager feigning ignorance
of what’s happening but secretly delighted. It’s very reognisable. Stop it.

You also have an unusual amount of DIY needing doing.

May I ask a sincere question, @Fammm?
Are you positive that Sarah is acting a bit standoffish or could you be having a bit of a guilty conscience because you get on so great with Steve?
I only ask because I got a guilty conscience once over something similar and now that I look back it was not them - it was me.
You might be worrying over nothing - or you could back off a little, I guess. Or you could ask Sarah if everything is OK and explain to her how much her friendship means to you.

My ex made a male friend at work, turned out they lived close. Friend invited ex round for dinner one night and ex met the wife & kids. Ex’s visits to friends house got so regular he was there every day, playing with the kids & having dinner together.

Then he started calling round just to see the wife for a ‘cup of tea’. 8 years after ex first started visiting….. the wife left the husband and shacked up with my ex.

Ex played the long game to ‘groom’ that family and the husband couldn’t see it. I’m glad the wife in your situation is on to you & her husband because I bet you’ll be allowing him to do more than DIY when he calls round to see you soon!

he doesn’t value your opinion btw, he wants to get his end away. You know your situation is inappropriate, you expected us to validate that. We didn’t and now you’ve flounced.

This. ^ The OP is clearly more interested in this man than she is letting on. No wonder the wife is fucked off with her.

I agree with your post @wheelyfembot and I also don't think the OP is coming back.

It's a horrible post actually, it reeks of how interesting am I for this mm to be going out of his way to converse with me, ask for my advice and help me with my DIY, to be one of my best friends, even though his wife is slim and gorgeous, by the way that sounds like you think of her as shallow compared to you being the cool boho hippy chick, with the facinating conversation.

It's not cool it sounds as though you are secretly jealous of her.

It really isn't pleasant making a thread about how someone else's husband thinks you are worth screwing his marriage over.

Do the right thing and stop intruding in their marriage, with friends like you, who needs enemies. He's as bad, mucky Steve and his KISA complex.

Sarah needs to dump you both.

It’s probably redundant as OP has ditched the thread but to anyone who is reading this - this reminds me of a thread I was reading yesterday about being ‘wendied’ - when you introduce a friend to your separate group of friends and they suddenly become more popular with the group (and can end up turning them against you in the full sense of the term).

This post reminded me of that one and I felt really sorry for ‘Sarah’ as having your friend become not only friends, but in her own words mutually fond ‘best friends’ with your husband must be way beyond the pale. Most people would not be happy about this and feel rejected by one if not both of them. First OP said he often drops by her house, implying it was just him, then after negative feedback said she never sees him on his own…. Ok…

A sense of humour is a very powerful element to a relationship, which presumably ‘Steve’ and OP don’t share with his wife - she’s said they (her and the husband) have a similar sense of humour which is why they get on, which implies the wife does not - how alienating for her. And for her husband to seek opinions/advice from another woman, I wonder if he values ‘Sarah’s’ thoughts, or if she feels he does.

If there is a sudden chill it can’t be that unexpected. Poor Sarah, I’m sure she regrets ever enabling this best-friendship.

I’m starting to think some posters must know OP in real life to have the kind of insight into her personality and motivations that they claim to. How else does someone get “I’m better, cooler and more interesting than my friend” from “I am less conventionally attractive than my friend”? Can’t a girl diss her own looks without that being taken to mean she thinks she’s superior?

It is possible to tell someone what you think they should do without also giving them a character assassination. I’ve seen posts on MN from people who are actually having affairs and they’ve just been given calm, nonjudgemental advice without getting half the abuse OP is getting here!

More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him…

I think that Sarah feels threatened by this shifting dynamic between you and Steve — a deepening investment of energy, time and attention. Your mutual admiration society is disrupting her peace of mind.

Assuming that you and Steve behave consistently across the board during his visits, Sarah has witnessed the ‘talking bollocks forever,’ the shared sense of humor, the fondness, etc. If your bantering connection ever unsettled her, she must have given you two the benefit of the doubt. Lately, however, Steve appears to have an agenda and is pushing the envelope. He is divulging his and Sarah’s financial situation and seeking your advice. I would be very uncomfortable with this. He is also showing a fascination with your views on politics and -isms, which you find flattering, and he has insisted on taking on your DIY. It sounds like you both are lapping up the mutual flattery, validation and reliance. You’re on a slippery slope. Sarah will be aware of the boundary blurring, as Steve is likely full of mentionitis re the above.

I could probably count the number of times he’s been here alone on one hand.

So he has dropped by alone, as well as visiting with the children, which means 1 to 1 time while they are playing with yours. He also visits with Sarah and with his builder friend to work on your projects. He must come around quite often.

Read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Steve has opened a window to you and Sarah feels threatened. My advice is to close it, strengthen your boundaries, and take a big step back.