Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Girl code … not very nice for your friend, put yourself in her place. I think that you are asking us here you know it’s wrong or could cause a lot of trouble. My family was broken by another woman, while I have recovered and have a lovely DP , my kids suffer from their home being broken. It’s not respectful to your friend .. if he has a problem he should be going to her! Unless he’s coming to you with their marital issues or problems with her in particular.

@Fammm I hope you are ok. I think people have been very hard on you in this thread. I can quite believe that you have no ulterior motives, and that you think this friendship is totally innocent and maybe it is. I honestly don't think I'd be bothered if my DH was helping out a single friend in this way. But, if you are sensing an issue then, as others have said, there might be one and who knows what that is: your friend knows her DH better than you do and maybe she can see clearly that an attachment is forming, or perhaps there is other stuff going on behind the scenes that you don't know about, he has previous etc. Or maybe he's somehow framing it that you are asking for his support and he's being forced to give it reluctantly and she feels resentful. Or maybe there is other stuff going on with her. Whatever it is, the best thing to do would be to just do as others have said and spend time with your friend, without her DH and just see what happens.

Maybe he's having an affair with someone else and is using you as cover? It seems odd that she's cooled on you when he never comes to yours on his own and that she's often there with him. I don't think you are doing anything wrong – I find it baffling how MN froths over opposite sex friendships – but I do think you should talk to her directly to find out what's wrong.

“Steve is the fact that he is married! It means that I know the boundaries of our friendship, “.

Thats very naive. You may assume that, but unfortunately a wedding ring doesn’t stop platonic friendships turning into emotional affairs or physical affairs.

How often do you talk? Who does he turn to first to talk about something that has happened?

Men love their egos massaging. Not all but a lot of them. You may be innocent but he could be loving extra attention?

F

I don’t doubt you are unsure - but to me that is the strange part. I wouldn’t be overstepping or doing anything that would make my friends feel uncomfortable. Maybe he never does their DIY, maybe he doesn’t laugh at her jokes etc.

Back off, stay friends with Sarah. If he offers anything say no thanks in a nice way. Stop seeing him alone full stop. Stop in jokes and the idea there are 3 of them ii. Go back to focusing on Sarah and this will pass.

Oof. The insecurity is strong today.

Also, to further my earlier point about the fact that your relationship with Steve is causing issues between Steve and his wife... I have a good friend (Sarah) and she's married to Steve and me and DH have become, more or less, friends with them as a couple because our children are all friends. As a result, it's not unusual for me to spend time with our Steve or DH to spend time with our Sarah at various kids' activities.

But I find with OUR Steve, I have to be a little careful because he has sometimes tried to use me as a bit of a sounding board or similar but it's to do with things in their home etc, and I feel very uncomfortable. He's not slagging off his wife or saying or doing anything inappropriate, but if he's struggling with an issue related to things at home (they have a couple of very specific issues due to one of their children having quite significant additional needs), I can't be his "go to"person because I'm his wife's person.

It's hard to explain because I know there's nothing sinister about it. But I have instinctively understood it and been careful to draw the lines. And in our case, DH and this guy then went out for a few beers a while back and I think part of it was that Steve wanted to talk to someone who understood but had realised it couldn't be me. So he chatted to DH. And that was fine.

I'm amazed that some people are saying it's okay. Even if this doesn't turn out as an affair, why would I want another woman's husband to enjoy my company and thus lesson the jokes and time he shares with his own marriage . I try to respect and protect marriages. I trust myself and my husband but it doesn't mean I'm going to go on a work trip and share and air bnb with another man, because 'i don't find him remotely attractive'. That's naive if you're 18, but 'loving the attention' when you're grown

Good grief. This is so depressing and possessive. So once someone’s married they must cease to share jokes, time and emotional closeness with anyone else who isn’t their spouse? That sounds incredibly unhealthy and limiting. Meanwhile, in the real world, it’s very normal for people to have friendships that meet different emotional needs to the ones their spouse does. No wonder so many people post on MN that they have no friends and feel lonely if they expect their partner to be the only person in their life they ever share (literally and emotionally) anything with. So OP’s hit it off with Steve. If Steve was in fact Stella, and in a gay relationship with Sarah, I imagine the answers would be different. There’s such toxic heteronormativity on this thread.

The fact you're asking the question suggests to me that you know that at least one of you or Steve thinks this is more than a regular friendship, whether you've actively realised that or not.

This is so weird to me. Why couldn’t you offer your Steve a listening ear? I don’t get this mindset at all. Yes, if he was slagging off his partner and she’s your friend, that would be inappropriate but he wasn’t, so…? Do you think men can only share stuff with men?

Yes, I agree.

I think most people forget that men and women think differently and have different mindsets. We are not the same.
Women can have male friends because we see them as friends. Men only have female friends because that's all it can be because the woman put in the boundaries to only go that far. Men will fuck anything, even if its just a hole on the wall.

You, OP, very well may be completely innocent because you can't ever imagine it going anything further than friendship, because that is the boundary YOU have placed. Whether morally, intentionally because you don't see him any other way, or both.
BUT, "Steve" may not be or have that same thinking or mindset.
"Sarah" may have picked up on this. There could have been something that he has said in one or multiple conversations that has given her reason to think that it isn't purely platonic on HIS part. It could very well be that HE is the problem.
And although YOU haven't done anything inherently wrong here, the fact that you can feel something isn't right should be enough for you to actually do something about it and not enable it.
You don't have to cut contact with him, stop being friends, stop interacting with him. But you do need to be a bit more solid with boundaries, the subconscious and emotional boundaries. You only have boundaries for the physical things. By not having boundaries that prevents emotional attachments, you are becoming part of the problem.
Stop being so defensive and just accept the reality here. The fact that you're being hostile and super defensive with your replies kind of speaks volumes. If you truly believe you're a good friend to Sarah, listen to advice you've asked for and back off a bit with Steve. Keep the friendship sure, but by backing off a bit and like another person said, redirect his diy offers and asking of advice back to his wife or even work mates, you'll send him the message that's he's turning to you too much and he should back off... if he's decent enough. But if he doesn't, then it'll be pretty damning evidence what is really going on here that you seem to be very clueless about.
If what you say is all true about yourself and your intentions etc, then Steve is the problem, but you don't have to enable it. Enabling it will make you the problem by default. Certainly in Sarah's eyes. Because its easier to be angry and direct that anger towards someone you're not emotionally invested in.

Maybe try to include Sarah more - invite both over ect, if you suddenly back off she may become more suspicious

Concentrate on Sarah, or walk away.

You are far too invested in Steve.

I'm a single parent too.

One of my friends, we'll call her Cathy, I've known for 10 years. I met her at work and she's an amazing friend to me. Over the years I've come to know her husband, let's call him Daniel, very well too. I'm good friends with both of them. However, I'm very very careful not to overstep. I would never intentionally spend time with him alone. If I go over to their house in the evenings, I wouldn't stay up talking to Daniel if Cathy went to bed early. I try not to sit in between them. I hardly ever message him, and if I do there's a practical reason ie I want his opinion on a birthday present for Cathy. I wouldn't invite him over with their children if Cathy wasn't there.

Some people probably think that's OTT but I don't really care - I only care what Cathy and Daniel think, and about the friendship. I'd never do anything that might make Cathy feel insecure even if it's irrational. My feelings / intentions (of which there aren't any) are mostly irrelevant. It's about respecting my friends and their relationship.

You need to take a massive step back. It's not about you being a "marriage wrecker" it's about having respect for your friend's feelings.

He likes asking my opinion on political issues/feminism/other isms, has also asked me a couple of times what I would do financially if I was in him and Sarahs current situation. He's not confiding in me in any way, which people seem to have assumed. He has never said anything to me about Sarah, never strays into emotional territory to be honest.

To pp who said I'm flattered by his attention or something - yes probably, it's nice when people seem to respect your opinion.

Anyway, that's enough of a beating for me, I'll leave the frothers to froth and just say thanks to those who were supportive x

**
Anyway, that's enough of a beating for me, I'll leave the frothers to froth and just say thanks to those who were supportive”

Ah, so, another person not genuinely seeking opinion but validation. Lots of these threads lately.

Steve absolutely is having an emotional affair here. My DH is a builder and believe me, they don’t randomly go and do DIY at their mates houses (multiple times) for no payment or quid pro quo.

You are extremely naive to think you haven’t already overstepped with Steve. He’s not one of your best mates, he’s your friend’s husband. In my opinion, you are overstepping if you are privately messaging each other, calling each other, speaking most days and seeing each other without Sarah or even worse, without Sarah’s knowledge.

I get on well with a fair few of my friends husbands/partners but we’ve only ever socialised as couples or I’ll have a quick chat with them as I’m visiting my friends at their house. We don’t go beyond that because I think most people would recognise that as overstepping.

He's not slagging off his wife, but he's talking about complex issues and his perspective vs the same complex issues from his wife's perspective I've already heard. And while neither is slagging the other off, of course there is an aspect of frustration based on how the other one behaves/does things.

And I don't want to get in the middle. There's also always a sense that on some level, anything I say is then used as a "well, Ginger thinks X so..." even if he doesn't mean to.

One of my oldest friends is a man. I don't know his current partner very well as they don't live locally. He and I meet up about twice a year for a good old catch up and when we do of course he can share whatever he likes about his life/his partner etc (and the same goes for me). But similarly, if I subsequently became friends with her, I would be hesitant to ever become a close confidant of hers as that would feel uncomfortable as my loyalty and core perspective would always be of my original friend. DH and him have, previously, spent time together a bit as they share a hobby. Then get on well. But similarly, neither of them actively worked to build a close friendship as that would have been weird in light of my longstanding and close friendship with this man.

He likes asking my opinion on political issues/feminism/other isms, has also asked me a couple of times what I would do financially if I was in him and Sarahs current situation.

He is privately asking you about his private finances that include his wife? Yeah, I'd be pretty unhappy if I was Sarah too. Even if you're a bloody IFA, it's deeply inappropriate for him to be having this conversation with you.

As for political issuse/feminism - fine. But those are conversations that would easily be had as a threesom, and don't need one on one chit chats on a regular basis.

Oh yes, so never comes alone, but he and op have hilarious bestie chat while she gives advice while Sarah sits on her own?
Or is it when dc are around and they are ignored by dad and they've mentioned it to Sarah?

What's happening then?

Him and Sarah come over and then she sits like a spare part while he is asking your opinion on their finances and feminism?

My husband won't be doing this, no matter whose strange woman he thinks is fond (????) of. It is a matter of loyalty and self-restraint and having proper social boundaries in place.