Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

ZebraDanios · Today 07:55
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I’m starting to think some posters must know OP in real life to have the kind of insight into her personality and motivations that they claim to. How else does someone get “I’m better, cooler and more interesting than my friend” from “I am less conventionally attractive than my friend”? Can’t a girl diss her own looks without that being taken to mean she thinks she’s superior?”

OP is a grown woman, not a girl! (missing point entirely 😁)

How bizarre.
Unless you’re very emotionally unintelligent, isn’t it obvious you need to completely back off from Steve.

It’s just that she’s actually loving it!

I agree. Even the thread title smacks of ‘ooh I’m loving the drama’

The OP has long flounced after she didn’t get the validation she was seeking.

Wheelyfembot · Yesterday 23:26

You know your situation is inappropriate, you expected us to validate that. We didn’t and now you’ve flounced.

Exactly the same thing happened with a previous thread and it's so predictable. I do wonder if the posters just want to feel that they must be very special to attract these men (the majority of whom, as you've said, just want a notch on the belt). It's quite sad, when the answer is so apparent.

@SamW98 it really upsets me as I went through this … I was nursing our second child and ex DH was shoulder to shoulder with his female “friend@ sharing jokes and listening to her massage his big ego. Thankfully divorced him and now they are together and I hear from my kids he is absolutely vile to her! I’m with a lovely man now for 4 years but the feeling of feeling like I was absolutely nothing really resonates with how Sarah must feel!

If there was not trouble brewing and if the poster was not very well aware of it, why she would ask this on mumsnet

You're enjoying the situation. Leave these people alone.

Amazing advice! My ex got caught having that fling with our friend.

Our son to this day hasn’t forgave them, his Dads missed him collecting his GCSE’s, leaving school and turning 18!

Also they may think everyone has forgotten but the majority of people his family included think they are disgusting!

Why would you wreck your life for a fling!

Fantastic advice - telling her to have sex with her friends husband! Just perfect - what could possibly be the negative consequences of your amazing solution to this problem?

Yeah. Or... Be a decent human being. 🤷

Oh lord, people, don't give it currency!

I’ve read the whole thread with interest. I’m a lone/single mum and a friend’s husband has helped me out with DIY recently and is chatty. We’ve always been friends, and I’ve appreciated the people who’ve been secure in their marriages since I’ve been on my own. They let their husbands offer me and the kids lifts to clubs and so on and it really helps.

That said I’m not naive. I know I’m attractive and interesting and fanciable, so I deliberately turn anything like that ‘off’. Also I’ve decided on reading this thread to really focus on cementing and paying in to my female friendships with the women with the most secure/helpful husbands, just to really emphasise that they are my priority. Publicly and between us.

Thanks, it’s been useful.

You shouldn't need to turn your personality off @verycurlyindeed Unless your 'personality' is deliberately provocative to married men then why should you behave differently around your friends husbands? These men are either either decent men who don't persue their wives single friends, or they're not. Quite honestly, if you need to play down your attractiveness to keep your friends husband's faithful to them, then your friends are in very poor relationships with very dodgy men, and I'd not be cultivating friendships with these men at all.

I get what you’re saying @verycurlyindeed . We all know that you can be extra warm and interesting with someone if you try. Obviously it can fall on stony ground and go absolutely nowhere if the other person isn’t interested but a percentage will respond, so it’s best ( in some cases) just to play some aspects of one’s personality down. Just my opinion.

@verycurlyindeed I have a similar issue, in that a couple of friends' husbands have been absolute stalwarts of helping me out, I'm a lone parent. When I had a husband though, he was also a stalwart of helping people out. Only once did someone 'misunderstand' that and he came to me to ask what to do!

So, most of the time, people are just helpful and helping. It's naive to think, though, that some people won't move forward and be extra sparkly or bubbly or seek out further opportunities to spend time together, instead of being straightforward. I don't think you need to turn your personality off, but I also am able to tone down things so I appear utterly straightforward and above board and a great friend to my female friend, plus I only borrow nice straightforward husbands, there's a couple I'd never ask for a lift or whatever cos I know what they are like!

Tricky.